How Parents Influence Children’s Peer Relationships

One of the most difficult aspects of the COVID pandemic for children and adolescents was disruptions in their peer relationships. With stay-at-home orders in place early in the pandemic, virtual or hybrid schooling for many children for an entire school year, and regular extracurricular activities cancelled, many of the contexts in which children would ordinarily interact with peers were no longer available to them.

With the resumption of ordinary activities and the promise of returning to school in person in the fall, many children are excited about being able to spend more time with peers but also a bit anxious and out of practice. What can parents do to help?

Researchers who study parenting and peer relationships describe two main ways that parents influence children’s peer relationships. First, parents influence peer relationships indirectly through the quality of the parent-child relationship. Second, parents influence peer relationships directly by designing, mediating, supervising, and advising children about these relationships.

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Indirect Influences Through Parent-Child Relationship Quality

In terms of indirect influences, responsive and sensitive parents communicate to children that social relationships are supportive and that relationship partners are trustworthy and caring. This sense of security in parent-child relationships may carry over into child-peer relationships. Children who have positive expectations about and experiences with social relationships based on their relationships with parents tend to approach peer relationships with more social competence than children who do not have a secure basis for social relationships built with parents.

Children also learn from their parents a number of skills, such as how to display and regulate emotions and how to negotiate conflicts, that are important in peer relationships. Thus, parents can have a positive influence on children’s peer relationships by having a positive relationship with their child.

Direct Influences in Roles as Designer, Mediator, Supervisor, and Advisor

In terms of direct influences, four main roles characterize the ways that parents can influence children’s peer relationships.

First, parents can serve as designers. By choosing neighborhoods, childcare arrangements, schools, and activities, parents influence the peers to which their children will have access.

Second, parents can serve as mediators by building bridges between their children and peers. Scheduling playdates or joining playgroups are some ways that parents help children connect with peers. Parents can involve their children in making these arrangements so that children learn to initiate their own contacts with peers.

Third, parents can serve as supervisors when they oversee or regulate children’s peer relationships. In interactions between very young peers, parents can play with children to help them engage with each other in joint activities and resolve any conflicts that arise. With older children and especially adolescents, parents’ supervision is generally from a distance, such as keeping track of children’s whereabouts and companions.

Fourth, parents can serve as advisors when peers are not present. For example, parents can talk with children about any difficulties they’re having with peers, brainstorm ways to behave in challenging situations, and coach children about ways they can initiate or maintain friendships in the future.

These roles are not mutually exclusive. Parents sometimes engage in these roles simultaneously or change roles depending on the demands of the situation.

As children resume more regular peer contact following the pandemic, parents can consider whether children are struggling to connect with peers and, if so, offer more direct assistance. This assistance could involve signing children up for activities in which they would interact with peers, scheduling playdates, helping to make peer interactions go smoothly, and offering advice as needed. High-quality parent-child relationships characterized by support, responsiveness, and affection are always important and will have carry-over effects into children’s peer relationships.