Consider Allowing Your Children More Independence Earlier

Great parents tell me all the time that they're afraid to let their children do things on their own. The belief is that the world is a scary place and that bad things might happen to them. But if we fail to let our children out of our sight, how can they begin to make decisions by themselves? This puts parents in a difficult position. Allow your child more freedom, but at the same time allow them to make more mistakes. My position has always been that when a child makes a mistake and then learns something useful from it, it was a good experience for their future. Some parents, though, are less likely to let their children make their own decisions and possible mistakes. This phenomenon is known as “hovering” or “helicopter parenting,” and it means being unnecessarily over-controlling or overprotective. Some parents go so far as to metaphorically “clear the way” for their children, making sure they don't have to deal with any unexpected or unpleasant challenges. These parents are sometimes called “snowplow parents”. This over-involvement by parents can limit problem-solving opportunities in their children.

As an example, far fewer children walk to and from school by themselves now compared to past generations. It is less common for children to ride their bikes to a local market for a snack, and you rarely see a group of children at a park playing without their parents’ supervision. Modern parents cite traffic and weather concerns as well as crime as major barriers to letting their children walk and ride bicycles in the neighborhood. Each parent needs to decide whether their neighborhood is safe for their child to explore (on foot, on a bike, or with friends), and it is also important to be aware of the opportunities for development that are missed by children not getting these kinds of experiences.

Beginning in the toddler years, much of the child's learning is derived from their experiences. Children learn from the consequences of their actions, both positive and negative. If they don't eat dinner, they don't get dessert. If they take a toy from another child, they get time out. If they're cooperative with their peers, they make friends. Those experiences are a necessary part of early childhood. They also demonstrate the appropriate level of risk vs. reward. I think opportunities to learn these kinds of things benefit children greatly.

Playing with a friend.

Source: Michael Morse/Pexels

As they get older, the opportunities to learn from these types of important experiences should increase, but today's kids aren't always being given these chances. Think about the opportunity to solve problems every day that occurred when children walked home from school without their parents. A child can learn about independence, decision making, impulse control, and responsibility, just to name a few. For instance, on the way home a child sees their friends playing a game of tag and wants to join them. They now have the opportunity to practice using judgment and to make a decision. Does he keep walking because his parents won't let him walk home again if he's late? Does he stop and play tag, walk at the same pace, and get home late? Or does he stop and play tag for a few minutes and then run home so he won't be late. This is an opportunity for the child to practice using judgment and to make a decision. It also offers them the opportunity to make a mistake by choosing to stay late and losing privileges. They will learn their decision was wise, based on the outcome. My suggestion is to support the child who is simply honest and tells the parents that he played for a few minutes with friends on the way home. The outcome will then guide future decisions.

Whether it's walking home from school alone, organizing playtime without parents involved, or being responsible for chores without reminders, kids in this generation have fewer opportunities to practice using judgment. When parents are involved in every aspect of the child's life, a child misses these invaluable experiences. Developmentally, even elementary school children are ready to take on responsibility and learn from positive and negative consequences of their choices. It is very appropriate for children to want increased independence beginning in elementary school, because their brains are ready to practice the decision making that goes along with increased responsibility. By not respecting this, or not offering opportunities to practice this need, children are missing essential opportunities to develop the skills necessary for confidence, self-esteem, and a belief that they can solve their own problems.

Every situation (and child) is different, and each parent will need to decide what is appropriate and safe for his or her child, but it is important to recognize what teaching moments are being missed when we spend too much time hovering around our children, making sure they do everything correctly, and face no adversity. I hope parents understand the importance of opportunities for development that are currently being missed, and identify some new ways to let our children gain a little more independence and vital problem solving skills. The long-term goal is to raise children who when faced with adversity or problems feel confident that they have the experience to proceed appropriately.