Emotional Intelligence and Coping in Relationships

In the last decade or so, science has discovered a tremendous amount about the role emotions play in our lives. esearchers have found that even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and abilities to handle feelings will determine our success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships.—John Gottman (ThinkPsych, 29 July 24)

Emotional intelligence, or EQ, is a popular term in public circles and may provide some insights into family relationships, especially those affected by mental illnesses. If someone were to ask you what EQ means, what would you say? How could knowing more about emotional responses improve your professional and or personal relationships? If emotional intelligence proved to be a tool that could help you cope with your relationship challenges by becoming more aware of the emotional responses of yourself and others, would you invest time and energy to learn more about it?

EQ can be an effective relationship tool through the acceptance of feelings, nurturing camaraderie, and encouragement to seek help.

We all experience a range of emotions.

Source: Oleg Moroz / Unsplash

Why EQ?

Emotional intelligence is a tool that can help you navigate around relationship issues and is easy to learn about, although it can take a lifetime to master. Popularized by Goleman, EQ entails the management of five personal and social competencies: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. By better understanding one’s own and others’ responses to social situations, a person can better read circumstances that may affect them personally or professionally. In this way, learning about emotional intelligence can directly improve one’s resilience over time. I have written a blog post about the related nature of spiritual resilience (2024) in relationships.

Accepting Your Feelings

Fellow sufferers of OCD are often triggered by visual or situational conditions that bring their fears front and center. Part of exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy can include the use of metaphors and coping statements in controlled conditions to mitigate these fears. For example, a person who fears they may stab a loved one every time they see a knife in the kitchen may look at a series of photos of knives (metaphors) and be mindful of the responses they each induce (that is, coping statements in which no stabbing occurs). Over time, the person will notice their anxious feelings and obsessive thoughts will gradually reduce as they experience them “for what they really are, not what they seem to be” (Abramowitz, 2018, p. 185). Similarly, patients who practice mindfulness and meditation have reported some success in changing their perceptions of situations that previously startled them or stimulated anxiety (Culkin and Culkin, 2021; Didonna, 2020).

Having a Buddy

Having a mental illness can at times seem like a spiritual darkness, a period of confusion in which it may be difficult to understand what is happening to you and your loved ones. Many have described such moments of searching, yearning, or grasping—a ‘dark night’ because we feel all alone (May 2004). Often the reality is that we are surrounded by partners, family members, friends, colleagues, spiritual guides, or others who seek our rehabilitation and salvation. In this context, it makes sense to seek help from a buddy who is already with you, even if you have not been aware of it until now.

It’s Okay to Get Help

My wife and I have struggled together over several years to seek help for different reasons. As a couple, we felt alone, that no other couple was going through what we were. My wife sought resources for caregivers of OCD sufferers. At the time, there were few guides on the topic, so we wrote our book (2021) to help others not feel alone. I still want to help other sufferers not feel alone, and so I continue to write these posts.

Some tasks I’ve assigned myself over time to improve my EQ include focusing on my mindfulness and self-awareness by:

• Journaling about my behavioral responses to traumatic or distressing situations
• Asking others what they really think about me
• Setting aside regular times for introspection and contemplative prayer
• Shifting my mindset by forcing myself to think of alternative points of view
• Forgiving myself
• Starting anew—a new hobby or job
• Practicing meditation and mindfulness
• Active listening
• Not interrupting others
• Realizing that failure is an opportunity to learn
• Being grateful every day

Conclusion

Emotional intelligence can naturally reinforce relationships through the acceptance of feelings, nurturing camaraderie, and encouragement to seek help. How’s your EQ?