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Personality
People Who Habitually Abuse Others
When choice becomes a personality trait.
Posted January 29, 2022 Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
Key points
- Abuse behavior towards others can become habitual.
- Habitual hurtful behavior towards others can become a personality trait.
- Ego-syntonic personality traits are very difficult to change.
- Coping strategies for those with loved ones who are habitually hurtful include setting boundaries and making the behavior not ego-syntonic.
When human beings do something over and over, it becomes habitual. Repetitive behaviors are recognized by our nervous system and come to be performed automatically: We don’t need to think about them very much. Many basic motor functions like walking, chewing, balancing, and driving become automatic and operate with little or no conscious thought or direction.
Repetitive abuse or mistreatment of others can become habitual if unchallenged or unchecked. When this occurs the abusing person may be unaware that they are acting hurtful towards others, because they no longer give it any conscious thought. This is illustrated in the following dialogue. Dory and Ray are meeting with a couple’s counselor Dr. Psi.
Dr. P.: What brings the two of you to see me?
Dory: I want to feel closer to Ray and to feel safe.
Ray: What kind of crap are you telling the doctor?
Dr. P.: Dory can you tell me what makes you feel distant and unsafe?
Ray: Doc. You are going to take this seriously?
Dr. P.: Ray, let’s give Dory a chance to express important feelings and concerns.
Dory: That was an example. Ray criticizes and attacks everything I say. It feels hostile.
Ray: You really are something. You are ungrateful. You should just pack up and leave.
Dr. P.: Do you always talk to Dory this way?
Ray: What way?
Dr. P.: With criticism and hostility. You sound like you are repulsed by Dory.
Ray: What? I love Dory.
Dr. P.: Is that how you talk to someone you love?
Ray: I never really thought about it.
It is possible that Ray did not realize that he was habitually hurtful to Dory. Dr. Psi’s pointing it out, draws Ray’s attention and it goes back from habit to a choice. Ray can now be challenged on his abusive behavior and challenged on it.
If Ray takes the path of healing and growth, he will be appreciative of Dory’s patience and willingness to remind him that his behavior is hurtful. He will work with Dory to get rid of this way of relating and replace it with a more respectful and loving form.
If Ray instead takes the path of defensiveness and avoidance, and continues the pattern of hurtful behavior, it will become part of his personality or character structure. It will become normal to treat others that way and Ray will see that as character defining expression. This dialogue might sound like this:
Dory: I can’t take it anymore, the way you talk to me and the way you treat me.
Ray: You need to grow a thicker skin.
Dory: You think it is OK to talk to someone you love this way?
Ray: I am just being me. What do want me to walk on eggshells?
Dory: This is why I don’t feel safe.
Ray: Maybe you should get a bodyguard.
In the above example, Dory is dealing with a partner who has symptoms of a personality disorder. Ray’s defensiveness, refusal to take responsibility for behavior, willingness to be hurtful to loved ones, lack of contrition and lack of empathy are characteristic of Cluster Personality Disorder Types. These include Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Personality Disorders (APA, 2013).
Character traits that are embraced by the individual and seen as being a natural part of their self-definition are called ego-syntonic. They are consistent with the sense of self. Ego-syntonic traits are very difficult to change. If your loved one is habitually abusive and it is ego-syntonic you will have to choose one or both of the following strategies if you want to improve your situation.
Strategy #1: Setting Boundaries
This involves setting and maintaining consistent boundaries that prevent your loved one from hurting you. For example, you can refuse to have conversations that are not respectful. You could walk away from your loved one when they act disrespectfully. You will have to keep enforcing these boundaries as long as you are with this person.
Strategy #2: Make the Behavior No Longer Ego-Syntonic
This involves refraining from any behavior or statement that is consistent with your loved one feeling that their abusive behaviors are acceptable. Here are some examples of behaviors that you should always avoid:
- Being present during abusive behaviors.
- Being affectionate after your loved one has been abusive.
- Smiling or in any way show approval or tolerance when abusive behaviors are discussed.
- Covering up for their abusive behaviors by hiding it from others.
- Protecting them from the consequences of their behavior.
Following these guidelines will make it so that your loved one cannot feel good around you when behaving hurtfully towards you or others. If you are consistent, you might improve the quality of the time you spend with your loved one, but this will not solve the problem. Habitual abuse of other people is a sign of severe mental illness. Healing for this type of psychiatric problem will require the engagement of a mental health professional. Substantive change requires that your loved one no longer experiences hurtful behaviors towards others as ego-syntonic. Once this occurs, your loved one can utilize more healthy behavior patterns to socialize with others and get what they want from them.
References
American Psychiatric Association (APA). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. 5th ed. Arlington, VA: Americal Psychiatric Publishing Inc, 2013.
