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Many individuals with symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) engage in different types of self-victimization. In this blog we will explore three forms of self-victimization that are common in individuals with symptoms of BPD and explore why they do it.
Direct self-Harm
Self-mutilation occurs frequently with people who suffer from BPD. Perhaps the most common form is cutting or burning themselves with razor blades, knives or cigarettes. These actions often occur during periods of very high emotion. These individuals describe the cutting or burning as a way of minimizing emotional pain and claim that it has a calming effect on them.
Sometimes individuals with symptoms of BPD self-harm directly for manipulative purposes. In the following example, Mindy, an adolescent sufferer of BPD, is arguing with her mother Sally because her mother will not allow her to go to an unchaperoned party at a friend’s house.
Mindy: I have to eat early tonight. I am going to Ginger’s house to hang out tonight.
Sally: Will there be other kids there?
Mindy: Just a few close friends.
Sally: Boys?
Mindy: I hope so.
Sally: Will Ginger’s parents be there?
Mindy: We can’t have fun with her parents standing over us.
Sally: Where are her parents?
Mindy: They are going away for the weekend.
Sally: You can’t go to a party unless there is a parent there.
Mindy: Mom, all my friends are going.
Sally: Not unless there is parental supervision.
Mindy: They are expecting me.
Sally: You can call them and tell them you can’t go.
Mindy: Everyone will think I am a dork.
Sally: They will get over it.
Mindy: I have to go.
Sally: Not without supervision.
Mindy: If you don’t let me go, I will kill myself.
While it is not common for a child to actually kill herself under these circumstances it is common for them to make a gesture. These gestures often include cutting themselves with a knife or possibly taking a bunch of pills, if they have access. One child drank bleach in front of her parents when not allowed to do what she wanted to do.
Indirect Self-harm
This is a very large category of behavior, all of which involve engaging in activities that are unhealthy. This includes substance abuse as well as engaging in high-risk activities such as promiscuity or breaking the law. It also includes self-neglect, such as eating poorly, not going to school/work or not getting proper medical/dental care. Indirect self-harmful behaviors generally serve the function of expressing their self-loathing. They show the world that they feel unworthy of care and that they don’t care what happens to them.
Projected Self-harm
This is the type of self-harm that causes the most instability in relationships. This involves projecting feelings of self-loathing onto others and then feeling victimized by them. In the following example, Robert is confronting his son Gene for not doing his homework and getting a failing grade. Gene projects onto his father that he is a perpetrator so as to feel victimized by his father. He then blames his father for his poor performance.
Robert: Gene, I heard from your teacher today. He told me that you are failing Biology.
Gene: Yeah. He hates me.
Robert: He said that you have not handed in a single homework assignment this term.
Gene: So?
Robert: Is it true?
Gene: I can’t get my work done with you and mom on my case all of the time.
Robert: We are on your case all of the time?
Gene: Yes. “Gene put out the garbage. Gene, do your homework. Gene, clean your room.”
Robert: You didn’t do your homework because Mom and I got on your case to do your homework?
Gene: You are on my case all of the time. You make me feel like I want to die.
In the above example, Gene explains to his father that the reason he is failing Biology is because his parents mistreat him by making him study and keep his room clean (and hence he is a victim). This type of self-blame serves two functions for Gene:
· It helps him avoid taking responsibility for failing his class by blaming his parents.
· It justifies other behaviors, such as lashing out at his parents, because they have ‘victimized’ him.
Many people in Sally and Gene’s position give into the threats of self-harm out of fear that if they don’t, someone they care about will hurt themselves. Unfortunately, when you give into threats of self-harm or suicide you increase the power of making such threats, and increase the likelihood that this mechanism will be used more in the future. It gets them what they want.
Self-victimization is never healthy. Individuals who use this mechanism as a way of getting what they want are sick and need help to find healthier ways of getting what they want. Giving into these threats makes them sicker. The proper response is to recognize self-harm as being a symptom of serious mental illness and get them professional help. This is the only way to truly help someone you love who suffers with this problem.
