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We all understand that anger is a normal emotion for humans and all other animals. We are told that it is healthy to express anger in intimate relationships. How does that work for you? Probably not that well. Expressing anger to others often results in either defensiveness, rage, or withdrawal. How does this benefit intimate relationships? It doesn’t. It damages them. Here’s why.
The expression of anger serves a key role in adaptation and survival. We experience anger when we either have been hurt, are being hurt, or expect to be hurt. This causes an aggressive response, such as yelling, physical threats, or combative posturing. The purpose of this expression of anger is to drive away potential threats.
In non-intimate relationships, it may be acceptable to push people away who are hurting you. Yelling at trespassers or stalkers may have the desired effect of driving them away. But pushing away individuals you are intimate with is not desirable, even if they hurt you. It is not recommended that you allow anyone to continue hurting you, including intimate partners. When intimate partners hurt you, the goal is to get them to stop hurting you without having to push them away.
This can be done by expressing the hurt that is causing the anger rather than the anger itself. Expressing hurt (in a non-angry way) generally does not push others away. Rather, it is more likely to encourage sympathy, which increases intimacy. This is the opposite of pushing people away.
While expressing your pain to others is an intimate act, it is also an act of vulnerability. You must trust that the other person wants to alleviate your pain and not cause it. That is why you can only do this in intimate relationships.
There are many different ways to express pain in intimate relationships. In order to be most effective in engendering a sympathetic response, the following guidelines are suggested.
- Refrain from expressing anger. Focus on the pain.
- Do not blame. Make it clear that the purpose of expressing your pain is to alleviate it so that you can increase intimacy.
- Do not punish. Individuals in intimate relationships change their behavior in order to make you more comfortable, not to avoid punishment. If you need to punish someone to avoid hurting you, then intimacy will be impossible in that relationship.
The “Ouch Tool”
Say “ouch." This is the most basic form of expression of pain or discomfort. It gives the basic message to stop what is happening in the moment but is lacks any detail about what specifically is hurting you, or why, and this limits its generalizability.
Henry: Gail, you look very beautiful today.
Gail: Hotter than any girl you will ever get.
Henry: Ouch.
This will probably stop Gail from making more snarky comments but it does not tell her if Henry is hurt because he was interested in her or because he feels shot down by hearing this from a pretty woman or because it was generally insulting and mean. Or maybe it was her delivery?
Cause and Effect Method
A more durable and more informative method of expressing hurt is to use the cause and effect format. Here is what it might look like if Henry were to use it:
Henry: Gail, you look very beautiful today.
Gail: Hotter than any girl you will ever get.
Henry: When you reject me (cause) I feel very sad (effect).
Gail: I didn’t know that you like me.
Henry: That’s why it makes me sad.
In order for this conversation to continue successfully, Gail will now have to share her feelings as Henry has done. This will then enable them to negotiate either a friendship or a romance, depending on how she feels. This method is best suited to close relationships.
What If You Are Angry at Someone Else?
Expressing anger towards others can push them away even though the anger is not directed towards them. In the following example, Fred’s daughter Amy just told him that she had been robbed in the mall.
Amy: Dad, I just got back from the police station. I was robbed in the mall.
Fred: Oh my God! Were you injured?
Amy: No, he just took my purse and scared me.
Fred: How did he scare you?
Amy: He told me that he would hurt me if I didn’t give him my purse.
Fred: And you gave him the purse?
Amy: Yes. And he took it and walked away.
Fred: Do you know who he is?
Amy: No.
Fred: Can you describe him?
Amy: What difference does it make?
Fred: If I find him, I will break his neck.
Amy: I just want to forget about it.
Fred: I am not letting some loser get away with hurting my little girl.
Amy: Dad let it go.
Fred: Hell no.
Amy: You are as bad as him. I am sorry that I told you.
Clearly, Fred is not angry with Amy and yet his anger pushed her away anyway. The opposite of the desired effect. Had he instead shared the underlying pain with her it might have sounded like this:
Fred: It frightens me to think about someone attacking you and threatening you.
Amy: I know Dad, but he didn’t hurt me.
Fred: It would just kill me to have someone hurt you.
Amy: Daddy, I know that you love me. I love you too.
Fred’s expression of pain to his daughter tells her how much he cares about her in a way that is comforting and endearing. It allows her to express her closeness to him. Fred will feel both the anger and the hurt, but it is the expression of the hurt that gets the desired effect of drawing his daughter closer to him.
Expressing your anger in intimate relationships is not recommended. It is suggested that you find the pain that causes the anger and express this to those that you love. It will bring you closer to them and not push them away.
