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Relationships
Being an Adult Child of a Mother With BPD
Why you let people hurt you.
Posted October 30, 2020 Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
Do you put more into relationships than you get back? Do you allow others to mistreat you? Do you allow it on a regular basis without saying anything? Are you reluctant to ask things of others?
This combination of traits often develops in children who are raised by primary parents with symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD). This blog post will discuss mechanisms by which parents with BPD train their children to tolerate mistreatment and exploitation rather than taking steps to stop it.
Disarming
This occurs when a person’s defenses or strategies are attacked before they use them, thus rendering them less effective. This is demonstrated in the following example. Marge and her son Ray are discussing bedtime.
Mom: Ray it’s time for bed.
Ray: I don’t want to.
Mom: You have to go to bed now and don’t give me any more of that 'just a few more minutes.'
Ray: I need to stay up a little bit longer.
Mom: Stop arguing, you ungrateful little brat.
In the above example, Marge anticipates that Ray will try to extend his bedtime by asking for a few more minutes. She defeated or disarmed his strategy to stay up longer. When he pushes back again, Marge’s own frustration causes her to lash out and derail, or disarm, the entire process and Ray goes to bed feeling frightened and angry.
What did Ray learn? He learned that arguing with mother, adults, and perhaps women in general, is not only useless but brings mistreatment or abuse. If this becomes a childhood pattern, Ray will learn not to argue, but rather to just give in. He will also learn to avoid conflict at the expense of his wellness and well-being. This adaptation is often referred to as "people pleasing."
Normalization
When the sort of treatment described above occurs regularly during Ray’s childhood, it is natural for Ray to see this as "normal." By the time he is a teenager, he may not even notice being mistreated anymore.
If Ray does come to seeing mistreatment of him as "normal" then he is likely to disregard this in other relationships and it makes him much more likely to be mistreated by others. Unfortunately, this draws to him individuals who mistreat and exploit others.
Self-Worth Linked to Compliance and Service
Mothers with BPD tend to give feedback and validation to their children largely based on whether or not the child pleases the parent rather than objective feedback. They define the self-worth of the child based on the ability to please others and hence encourage them to build an identity around being a people pleaser. This is an unhealthy form of self-lessness that compromises the child’s self-confidence. In the following illustration, Sylvia is trying to get her son Reed to come with her to her friend’s Mahjong game so that she can show him off.
Mom: It was so nice of you to come visit with me today. You are a good son.
Reed: You're welcome, Mom. It was my pleasure.
Mom: I am going to play Mahjong with my friends in about an hour.
Reed: That’s fine Mom. It was a nice visit.
Mom: Yes, it was. Why don’t you come with me to Freida’s house and say hi to my friends?
Reed: I really need to get back home. I have a lot to do this afternoon.
Mom: You will just come for the first hour and have some cookies while we get ready to play.
Reed: Maybe some other time. I have to get back home.
Mom: Can’t you do this one thing for me?
Reed: Please Mom, I just took you to brunch, and now I have to go.
Mom: Oh. So you didn’t want to see me for brunch?
Reed: I did. I just have to go now.
Mom: Just come for a few minutes.
Reed: Mom, I wish you would stop asking.
Mom: OK. I will never ask again. I wish you were never born.
In the above example, Sylvia initially praises Reed because he visited her as she wanted. But then she asked him to visit with her Mahjong friends and when he refused, she told him he was worthless.
What does Reed learn? If this is a lifelong pattern of how his mother treats him, then he learns that his value is tied to whether or not he pleases others. This encourages him to become a people-pleaser. To see himself as less than others and to put their needs before his. Like Ray, Reed learns to allow others to mistreat and abuse him in order to be accepted by others. And he will be accepted; by the types of people who mistreat and exploit others.
Ray and Reed need to utilize insight to challenge their tendency to normalize poor treatment by others. They need to come to understand that their value is not determined by their service and subservience to others but rather by their own goodness as they define it.
They also will benefit from identifying the efforts of others to disarm them and to confront and resist these efforts. For example, when Ray’s mother said, “Don’t give me any more of that 'just a few more minutes,’” he might have said, “Actually, I was hoping for a whole hour, “or even, “Exactly."
Ray and Reed will also do well to choose people who do not mistreat and exploit those they are close to. For people like Ray and Reed, these are big changes after having been raised to accept being treated poorly, but with time and effort, these trends can be reversed. This will yield healthier relationships and a healthier sense of self. While you may have been raised by a mother with BPD, you do not have to live your entire life as a people pleaser.
