Are Support Groups Helpful for Mothers of Adult Children?

I specialize in understanding and helping older women whose adult children’s lives have been derailed due to mental illness, substance use disorder, or chronic unemployment. My focus is on how the adult children’s problems impact the woman/mother. Even though families are the main safety net for vulnerable adult children, very little attention is given to the feelings and conflicts of these mothers and fathers. Based on my research (which only included mothers), I believe that joining a support group with other women who are struggling with similar parenting issues is an essential way to address the loneliness, shame, and powerlessness that most experience (Smith, 2022).

Many mothers told me that they chose not to share their feelings of disappointment or anger about their adult children with family or close friends. They felt embarrassed and ashamed. They feared that revealing what was happening might lead to gossip or undermine how others viewed their child­—or them. But by keeping the upsetting situation a secret, these women are missing the chance to connect with someone who might be able to offer much-needed social support. There is extensive research to show that, when people feel supported by others, their feelings of self-worth increase, which then increases their overall sense of well-being. Researchers Slepian and Bastian, from Columbia University, found that confiding in others decreases the secret keeper’s feelings of shame. Keeping things secret from others has been shown to lead to unexpected negative effects on yourself. The researchers showed that within people who kept secrets, their minds would continually wander back to the secret, and this then increased the persons' feelings of shame.

Marsha wouldn’t share the details of the financial strain she was experiencing because of her daughter’s unemployment with anyone, including her own sister. She used to share the burden of her daughter’s situation with one girlfriend, but that friend has since died. Now Marsha keeps her troubles to herself. Many older women have lost the support of friends and their partners who have passed away. Loretta wondered if she would have ended up in the same predicament if so many of the people who supported her in early life had not died. Her other children believe that if their father had still been alive, Jason could never have acted the way he did toward his mother, trying to steal the house out from under her.

Some of the women I spoke with did have support within their family circle. Wendy had seven living brothers and sisters. Although she at first was reluctant to tell them about her daughter’s mental illness, once she did, they mobilized and formed a prayer circle for Wendy and her husband. Every day at 3 p.m., Wendy’s phone alarm would remind her to get on the call. Not only did the whole family pray for Mindy, but they also shared advice based on research that they had recently done on mental illness.

Most of us do not have seven living siblings who could be this supportive. Luckily, support is also available from more “formal” sources. Several of the women interviewed had looked beyond their close ties by joining organizations devoted to educating families of adult children with mental illness or substance abuse. Many of the mothers had sought out these groups during the early part of their adult child’s struggle. But one can get support from these groups at any time in their parenting journey. Durene stayed in the group she found for many years as she found the leader particularly helpful: “It was fantastic. And I stuck with that group and stuck with that group. But that group really carried me through. I didn’t have any parents to lean on. I didn’t have any friends to lean on because they knew nothing about mental illness.”

When Hope discovered that Samantha had been stealing from her and was on drugs, she took Samantha with her to a meeting of Al-Anon. As a newcomer, Hope was asked to speak about why she had come. “I pretty much told them the whole thing with stealing and the drugging and the shock that it was to me because I was unconscious about everything that had been going on. I hadn’t picked up on any of it.” When they left the meeting, Hope felt positive about meeting other people in the same situation. Samantha, however, was shocked that her mother had just told all these strangers “everything.” Samantha did not want the help and never went back to a meeting.

Hope stayed involved in Al-Anon for over 10 years. She described the meetings as attracting vital and engaged people who were very open and honest. She felt supported and liked the mix of people who came to the meetings. She found it extremely helpful. She has tried to integrate the concept that parents need to separate themselves from the problems that are making them feel guilty or at fault. Al-Anon stresses that parents must give up the idea that they can control the child who has the problem. “Surrender can be a very powerful tool when there's nothing in fact that you can do,” Hope reflected. “So, surrendering isn’t a bad thing.”

Family members whose adult children are struggling with mental health issues may find support by joining one of the Family-to-Family classes offered by the National Association of Mental Illness (NAMI). America’s largest grassroots mental health organization, NAMI offers these classes to help you better understand mental illness, and to provide tools that can then lessen your level of frustration and confusion about your adult child’s behavior. All NAMI classes are free. Similarly, Al-Anon and Nar-Anon can also help with strategies. Your adult child may not be ready to tackle their substance use disorder or take their psychiatric medications, but your learning how to cope with the situation will be in your best interest—and theirs. A few individual therapists, like myself, offer support groups for mothers in this situation. Check out these different options and see what will be best for you.

Some questions to think about when joining a support group include the following:

• How often does the group meet?
• How is the group structured? Is there a leader? Is the leader a peer facilitator or a trained therapist? (There are benefits of each.)
• What are the expected outcomes of the group?
• Is there consistency in the group membership? Are members expected to come each week?
• What is the cost?
• Are there a limited number of sessions or is it open-ended? (Al-Anon groups are open-ended— meaning you can attend whenever you choose; mental health support groups have closed membership and the same people are there each week.)
• If I am already seeing an individual therapist, will this conflict with the work I am doing with her/him?

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If you are feeling afraid or hopeless about getting help, you are not alone. For most people, taking the first step to join a support group (or see an individual therapist) is hard. Mothers don’t want to talk about their children’s problems to “strangers.” Some may feel nervous about focusing on themselves rather than on their troubled adult son or daughter. Others may see themselves as shy and fear they won’t be able to participate. Some of you might have had a disappointing experience in a group and are now pessimistic that there could be a group that will be a good fit for you. Based on the research that documents the value that you can derive from joining a support group, you should allow yourself to examine your fears and negative expectations. You might be surprised.