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Key points
- It's important to take intentional action to find your partner, rather than waiting to be found.
- Shift your focus from trying to be wanted to looking for the person you want.
- Realize that if you feel hurt by someone else's actions, it isn't your fault you feel hurt.
Meeting the right partner and creating a thriving, loving relationship with them is an important part of a good life. Why, then, is it so hard? I want to share some of the biggest mistakes I made at the beginning of my dating journey that were a complete waste of my time and energy. By sharing these, I hope I can help you stop making the same mistakes I made.
In the beginning, I waited for men to contact me first.
Back then, I thought I had to wait to be pursued. I worried that I would "scare men away" if I contacted them first. At the time, that was the advice I was getting from everywhere: wait for them to pursue you, don’t react when they don’t text, pretend you’re fine with things you’re definitely not fine with, don’t ask for what you want, etc. It was all horrific, sexist, and bad advice, but I didn’t know better at the time.
In reality, waiting and hoping that the right guy would find and message me was drastically limiting my options. In addition, I was unknowingly condoning the idea that women couldn’t go for what they want because men don’t like it. Also, would I want someone who would be turned off by a woman contacting them? That guy doesn’t sound like the right guy for me.
I was giving away all of my power by not choosing the person I wanted to get to know. If you’re waiting for the right person to find you, you could be waiting for a lifetime. Instead, step into your power. Step into who you are and into all of your worthiness. Choose someone you want to get to know. Send him or her a message. I sent my now-husband the first message.
I focused on being attractive, desired, and wanted.
Back then, I believed that the road to a relationship began with being wanted. Upon reflection, I can see that belief came from a fear that I might not have been. As a result, I didn’t focus on who was the right fit for me. I wasn’t evaluating whether or not the people I went out with made me happy or supported me. I was focused on being desired, and I was going for the wrong men and feeling hurt when things didn’t work out. Now, of course, I am grateful things didn’t work out with those men.
By focusing on being wanted, I was coming from a disempowered place. I gave those I went out with the power to determine if they wanted a relationship with me or not, and in turn, the power to determine my worth or lack thereof. That power didn’t belong to them, and giving it to them was a huge waste of time and energy.
Once I chose to be the one to determine my worth, I took my power back. I stopped trying to be wanted and I stopped worrying about being desired. I stopped questioning my own worth and began analyzing the people I went out with. This was a game-changer. From then on it was easier to see who the wrong partners would be right away.
I blamed myself when someone was hurtful to me instead.
I told myself they were hurtful because I wasn’t good enough or I had done something wrong when really, it was their actions that were hurtful.
I did this because I didn’t know any better. It caused me to waste a lot of time on the wrong men because I was blaming myself for their actions. It wasn’t until I realized it was them and not me that I started to choose different men. Once I started to choose men who were emotionally available, kind, and healthy, my dating experience stopped being so painful. In fact, it wasn’t painful at all by then, because I wasn’t engaging with those who would cause me pain.
These three mistakes were keeping me from what I wanted. But I had to go inside myself to change and stop making those mistakes. You can change everything about yourself externally—how you look, where you live, how much money you make, and so on—but if you don’t change internally, you'll continue to repeat the same painful relational patterns.
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