Beware of These 3 Harmful Games People Play at Work

The psychiatrist Eric Berne wrote about what he termed interpersonal “games” people play. A game is an interpersonal interaction that appears on the surface to have one purpose when in fact there is an ulterior motive or payoff for at least one of the players. Games can be benign or harmful.

An example of a benign game is “How was your weekend?” This is a common question among coworkers upon returning to work Monday. On its surface, the purpose seems to be to learn what the other person did since last being seen at work. In reality, it is usually a simple social pleasantry and the payoff is a safe re-entry into shared communication. The unspoken rules are that the respondent will not go into too much detail and will reciprocate by asking the same question. When one player doesn’t follow the rules, other players get irritated.

At work, games may be initiated by supervisors, coworkers, clients, customers, or patients. Do any of the following three destructive games sound familiar?

Now I’ve Got You, You SOB!

Protagonists of this game are skilled at communicating in ways that are vague or ambiguous enough that at some point there will arise a “misunderstanding” that results in a detriment for the protagonist. Perhaps you are subtly set up to say something with which the other person takes offense, or perhaps you end up doing something that runs counter to what the other person claims you agreed to. In some way, you did something wrong (in the eyes of the other player), and now it is time to pay for it.

Whatever the details, the protagonist suddenly feels justified in lashing out over some injustice you wrought. This leaves you, the unsuspecting pawn in the game, shocked and off balance. The payoff in this game is that the expert player is seemingly justified in unleashing their pent-up anger and can feel self-righteous and superior to the parade of idiots they suffer at work. There may also be some material payoff depending on how you agree to fix what appears to have gone wrong. That is, they may get a lightened workload or some other perk of having been the victim.

Look What You Made Me Do!

The dynamic of this game starts with you asking for something from the other person—perhaps simply their attention. In doing so, the other person claims that you “made” them make a mistake, cost them some efficiency, or in some other way made them do something wrong. They’re angry and pointing the finger of blame at you. Just as in other destructive games, you’re shocked and caught off guard.

What is the payoff? For one, the protagonist gets to feel self-righteous, and with the negative attention focused your way, they’re safe from criticism or scrutiny for their mistake or poor performance. Second, over time, people learn to avoid asking this person for things to the extent that they can, freeing them of some work and expectations by others. This is especially reinforcing for protagonists who like to be left alone.

Let’s You and Him Fight

Pros at this game are skilled at engineering things so that two other people end up fighting, maybe not explicitly, but they at least end up angry with each other. The protagonist portrays themselves as innocent, simply being a messenger, or perhaps a “friend” who feels obligated to share what they’ve learned about how someone else feels about you. Of course, they are doing the same with the other unsuspecting player.

The possible payoffs include the entertainment of interpersonal drama without having to be directly involved or at risk. Also, because the attention is focused elsewhere, the protagonist is free from being the focus of negative attention, all while looking like a good person who is simply doing the right thing.

What Should You Do?

Now that you know what to look for, you can beware when it feels like you might be getting pulled into one of these three games people play at work. As soon as you recognize what is unfolding, try to extricate yourself by refusing to play your role.

When you find yourself already engaged, remember that the reaction you are receiving is less about you as a person and more about the role you play in this destructive game the other person feels compelled to initiate. That is, the interaction is more about meeting the other person’s psychological needs than it is about you as an individual. Last, as you recognize particular people repeatedly enacting the same game(s), your best move is to avoid interactions with them to the extent that is possible.