Context Matters: A Powerful Question That Helps Us Better Serve Others

I deeply believe that most people have good intentions, want to be helpful, and are doing their very best. And, from time to time, we all fall short of our best selves. A sage work colleague and dear friend, Bill, once asked me a profound question that I believe can help all of us be better. This one question not only drives better outcomes but is a micro-shift that can save time, energy, and potential relationships.

As I was processing the death of a family member, he asked: "Do you want to be heard, helped, or hugged?"

It stopped me dead in my tracks (pun intended). I reflected for a moment and realized that what I really wanted was help thinking about this situation from a different perspective.

We are often moving so fast that we default to our personal preferences or conditioning. Let me tell you how you should feel and what you need to do. This question can be transformative with colleagues, family members, and friends. Explore this one small shift across your different worlds to see how others might engage differently.

Step 1: Ask

Asking the question can be powerful. By asking, we create a deep pause. We slow down to better understand the situation at hand. It demonstrates our curiosity, our intention to serve, and our desire to meet them where they are.

The secondary benefit of asking is that it interrupts our patterning and theirs. It engages everyone to pause, to think, and to consider: What matters most to me in this moment?

Step 2: Listen

Full-bodied listening slows us down to be fully present to them. It gives us space to understand what they want and where they are and to hear how they want to navigate the situation at hand.

Step 3: Ask again

Understanding what we need isn’t always simple, and it can change. Often, we are so involved in a situation that we have not thoroughly thought through it. By just asking the question, Bill made me feel heard. I shifted and was ready to address solutions. By asking, he helped me clarify what I wanted and needed. And what I needed in that moment was different from what I wanted when we started the conversation.

Why is this question so powerful?

Context matters. Without clarity, our efforts and good intentions can fall short. Rather than default to our preferences or what we think others want or need, be present, ask questions, and invest time to truly understand where they are coming from.

Cultivate self-awareness. Where are we in this moment? What do we want versus what do we truly need? Starting with introspection and self-awareness allows us to better understand our motivations and intentions.

Engage before activating. Notice where helping or offering a solution to someone's problem makes you feel good. But sometimes, what others truly need is to be heard, to have their feelings acknowledged without judgment.

Tension can create consciousness. Notice if it can be uncomfortable to witness someone else's suffering. Learn to sit in it without rushing in to fix it. Often, what they need most is our presence, our empathy, and our willingness to be with them in whatever they are navigating.

Build your agility in interactions. Ask questions and practice full-bodied presence. Your presence can help them to learn to discern what they need. This requires empathy, patience, and a willingness to set aside our own agendas in favor of meeting others where they are.

Become a beacon of wisdom and compassion for others: It starts with slowing down and taking the time to connect. It means asking questions, listening actively, and responding with empathy and understanding. It requires us to let go of our need to fix or help and instead focus on serving, on being fully present for those who need us most.

In our fast-paced world, one simple question shifts us into service. By cultivating a greater awareness of ourselves and of those around us, we can learn to slow down and truly connect. We can interrupt patterns that might reflect our wants and needs, and we can cue into what is needed so we can become that friend, that beacon of wisdom and compassion, for ourselves and for others.