How to Overcome Infidelity Using New Methods

The problems with old-school infidelity counseling methods are endless. However, while there are problems, there are also solutions. Relationships don't fall apart overnight, and, with the right counseling, trust, and honesty, you can repair a relationship and even strengthen it along the way.

Honesty

One of the most important things to do after you've found out about infidelity in your marriage is to be honest. This does not mean disclosing all of your past lies and indiscretions in detail. From this moment forward, open communication, which might sometimes be uncomfortable, slowly rebuilds trust. Communicating about what each partner wants to know about is important. This might be something couples can navigate on their own, but many would benefit with help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in this area. There is a fine line between what is important to disclose and what if not disclosed, and later discovered, could result in a huge setback and impact the trust that has been rebuilt.

Begin to strengthen the relationship by spending time together, doing activities together to foster intimacy and connection, reintroducing touching (nonsexual and sexual when ready), and making decisions individually and together.

The partner who has been unfaithful should apologize and acknowledge the breach of trust. Listen to your partner's feelings, reflect, and validate them. All partners should know and understand that healing takes time. It is also not necessarily a linear process. Couples might take two steps forward, then one step back.

Forgiveness

In a similar light, forgiveness is going to be important for both partners. It is not going to happen right away, but without it, moving on in the relationship will be challenging and likely not possible.

Part of rebuilding trust is doing what you say you will do. If you tell your partner you will pick up strawberries on your way home from work, pick up the strawberries.

Focus on working through some of the feelings associated with the infidelity such as guilt, anger, shame, fear, and sadness for all partners. This doesn’t have to mean telling the whole story or all the stories and details. When that emerges, it will likely never be enough. All partners need to realize they will never know everything. That has to be OK. Again, that’s where trust comes in.

Put boundaries on conversations around the affair(s). It cannot be discussed at just any time. The cheated-on cannot get angry or have a thought about it and start firing questions at any time. That should happen in a therapist's office or at a designated time each day to talk about it.

Focus on any factors (without blaming or shaming) that may have contributed to the affair instead of the act of the affair itself.

Learn new skills in the relationship to communicate, manage conflict, rebuild trust, and be intimate emotionally and physically.

Discomfort

Realize that you might sometimes feel uncomfortable. One cannot remove everything in life that may lead to discomfort, nor should you want to. That’s part of life and relationships. Talk about how interactions with others might be handled and what is comfortable. But full transparency and comfort is unrealistic and can create further problems in the relationship. This is why both partners need to work on their own emotional regulation and processing.

Build a new relationship with your partner: Relationship 2.0. It can be stronger than ever. However, also be willing to recognize when that’s either not possible or not desired. Not all relationships are ones we want to be saved and strengthened. Perhaps moving on is what would make one or both happier. While a relationship can survive infidelity, sometimes it can be the best thing that happens, leading to either a stronger relationship together or a stronger and healthier relationship with someone else!

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.