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Key points
- ADHD coaching can build confidence and reliability for ADHD partners, but it takes time.
- As a non-ADHD partner, you can best support the coaching effort by looking for and acknowledging progress.
- Your concerns about the coaching may reflect your anxiety as much as a partner's lack of progress.
Your partner has decided to work with an attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) coach, and you're thrilled. It's a great step towards learning how to manage ADHD better. But a number of weeks later, your partner is talking about all they have learned, and you're not sure you're seeing the same progress.
If you've found yourself in this situation, you would not be alone. Coach and ADHD and Marriage Consultant Katherine Buoscio and I provide tips for balancing your concerns with providing the space for your partner to grow.
1. Be Patient
The goal of ADHD coaching is to develop structures to manage ADHD symptoms. This process starts small, allowing the ADHD individual to test for success and also experience the joy of success. That success can then expand to manage even more ADHD symptoms, but this takes time. Please give your partner at least three months to implement what they are learning.
2. Appreciate the "Small Stuff"
Take your medication every day. Use your calendar to plan your day. Cut your 13,652 emails down to 6,891. Any one of these would be a huge triumph for an individual with ADHD. They could also take three to 10 sessions to master. The good news is that these successes can build up and expand, which can be very exciting for the individual with ADHD.
Try to see the progress to achieve the positive results you both want. This is just the beginning. Encouragement will help your partner continue on this path so that one day, they are planning a date night, have a system to remember your birthday, or ask you how your day was (and listen to the answer).
3. Practice Letting Go
The parent-child dynamic is real. You've learned to control everything because everything has felt out of control. But if you want things to be different, you, too, are going to have to be different.
You are going to have to start letting go of control. Start with the "easy" stuff. On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is it? If it's less than a 5, try letting it go.
If your partner clears the table but doesn't wipe it, let it go. If your partner gives you a foot massage but leaves socks on the couch, let it go. Celebrate the wins. Remember, your partner is working with a coach. Their efforts will continue to improve.
"What If I Don't See Change?"
Is my partner staying on task with the coaching? Will change happen? What will be the outcome? Those questions are not just about your partner's work but also about your anxiety.
Before voicing your concerns, take a moment to reflect. Is there no progress, or is the progress less than you desire or in an area you're less interested in? Ask yourself, has my partner:
- Tried to reach out more? Listen more? Respond more evenly?
- Remember things they have forgotten in the past?
- Implemented a structure to help with ADHD behavior?
- Tried new things to manage their ADHD (even if they haven't found success yet.)?
- Made genuine effort?
All of these are progress. Take note and acknowledge it. (Positive affirmations, even on small things, are important to us all, particularly to ADHD partners and their "reward-focused brains.")
Remember, coaching will never make your partner think like you or turn them into someone without ADHD. It is about putting structures in place that help them become more reliable and live the life they seek to live.
If you still come up blank, find a calm time to talk with your partner. Remember to transition into this conversation rather than surprise them so they'll be more open to what you say. Set up a time ahead of time to talk or approach your partner calmly: "I am hoping to talk with you about some feelings I'm having around your coaching experience. Would this be a good time?"
When appropriate, share your concerns with your partner and ask them what they think and see.
Bottom Line
ADHD coaching can help build confidence and develop strategies to manage ADHD symptoms, but it is a slow process that builds over time. As the non-ADHD partner, you can help your partner by focusing on the positives, having patience, and learning to let go of some of the less important things.
The process can feel scary for both partners, but it can also be an opportunity to grow stronger on your journey together.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
