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Key points
- A core characteristic of ADHD is lots of emotion, with poor brakes on those emotions.
- Though immersing yourself in these emotions is common, a more effective strategy is to distract yourself from them.
- Quick mindfulness strategies or putting yourself into a new place can help dispel your big emotions effectively.
Emotional dysregulation is a core component of adult ADHD, so if you have ADHD, you might regularly experience episodes of anger, anxiety, overwhelm, and more. One approach is to "sit" in those feelings – perhaps not speaking to your partner for several days or retreating and allowing anxiety to take over. But this can reinforce the emotion. A better way to deal with it is to mindfully move yourself away from those emotions. Here’s how.
The emotional dysregulation that comes with ADHD is both about impulsivity and ‘poor brakes’ on those emotions that come with ADHD.
This means that you, or your non-ADHD partner, are likely to experience the emotionality in your relationship a bit like a roller coaster. Up and down with dizzying speed. One very effective way to manage emotional peeks is to distract yourself from the emotions rather than stew in them. I offer two paths for this: an easy version of mindfulness meditation and, second, what I call putting yourself in a new place.
Mindful Breathing and Body Scans
When you feel anger or anxiety, your body goes into the "fight or flight" mode. Stress and alertness-producing chemicals flow through your body, ready to respond to whatever "threat: puts you into this state (including your partner)! To get out of this mode, into the "rest" and "digest" the parasympathetic nervous system, it can be very useful to stop and do deep breathing exercises or a body scan.
How to: For a deep breathing body reset, sit on the edge of a comfy bed or chair with both feet on the floor. Or lie down. Close your eyes. Breathe in slowly, hold your lungs full for a few seconds, then exhale slowly. Repeat this at least five times, noticing the physical feeling of your breath going into your lungs and back out again.
For the body scan, similarly, sit or lie in a comfortable position. Make sure you’re not tied up like a pretzel with legs or arms crossed. Close your eyes, and focus your attention on the tips of your toes. Feel them, and think about how they feel, then move your focus slightly up your legs (calves, knees, thighs, etc.), going further up your body – slowly – and staying focused on how it feels inside you to do so.
If you lose your focus on either of these, that’s okay. Just resume and refocus.
Putting Yourself in a New Place
Another way to bring your body back to calm is to visualize a place or feeling that feels comforting to you. Wrap yourself into that place and focus on being there for a short while.
For example, when my kids were younger, and I had trouble falling asleep due to anxiety around my long to-do list, I would close my eyes and imagine myself in a scene from my past that felt completely peaceful. I was sailing on a lake at sunset. The water around me was shimmering gold. The breeze was very light and warm. I was relaxed and happy, sitting with my back in the stern, my arm draped over the tiller. Some fish jumped around me once in a while, making a quiet splash.
The world felt perfect at that moment. Traveling in my mind to that moment, and allowing myself to stay there for a few minutes observing it in my mind, often provided a sense of calm (and perspective) that helped alleviate the anxiety. It took practice because those pesky chores wanted to intrude, but each time they did, I pulled myself back toward the scene. Doing so became easier and easier over time.
You might have a scene that feels equally comforting that you could insert yourself into.
Or, you might have other sources of comfort you could mentally focus upon:
- What it feels like to be lying in bed under a weighted blanket, wrapped like a burrito.
- Your joy when your pet greets you at the door, or you are playing together (picture the scene in your mind).
- In the woods, sitting beside a burbling brook on a warm day, your eyes closed and basking in the sound.
Sometimes an app can help you visit these places in your mind. For example, there are a number of apps that have the sound of burbling water on them. You could add sound to your mental visualization to make it more real and soothing.
The science behind all of this is that distracting oneself from high emotions is one of the ways that you can calm your mind when you are feeling emotional (while ruminating on the pain keeps you engaged with it.)
What approach might you choose?
