Fighting Too Much?

You don't like to fight, or even if you do, whether it is with a friend or your life partner, you want to get it under control without it requiring a major ordeal. Here are four key steps to master to help you avoid fighting—and they don't require personality surgery, just a little ego control.

1. If your partner or friend has accused you of being defensive, or if you realize that about yourself, make an effort to agree in principle with what has been said. Don’t do this as a diversionary tactic; do it with sincerity. For example, if you are accused of being selfish, respond with something like, “You’re right, I am selfish on occasion.” Debating about whether you were selfish in any particular instance will probably result in a futile argument, but agreeing that you are, at times, selfish (which is probably true) will help you sidestep an adversarial brawl.

2. Since not being defensive is important, here is another approach to consider: Practice being responsive. When you are responsive, you are aware of your feelings but don’t let them control you. This is extremely empowering; it involves being open to views that are in conflict with yours. In talking to your partner or friend, for example, instead of arguing ferociously or explaining yourself frantically, you might simply listen carefully without interrupting (interrupting is a dead giveaway that you are being defensive) and say something like, “I understand what you are saying, your view is credible, but I see it differently.” Or, rather than reacting emotionally, you might say, “I am viewing things differently, let me think about it a bit and then we’ll discuss it.”

3. Recall that every issue is an interaction between two people. For example, there can be no dominating partner without a submissive partner, no interrupting friend without a passive and willing friend. Every “villain” requires a cooperative “victim.” Consequently, when discussing a problem, it is good policy to state your own role in the issue rather than focusing on your partner’s exclusively. If you are interested in promoting resolution, it is best to start with yourself. As Daniel Goleman writes in Working with Emotional Intelligence, “At American Express, the ability to spot potential sources of conflict, take responsibility for one’s own role, apologize if need be, and engage openly in a discussion of each person’s perspective is prized in their financial advisors.”

4. Review the themes of your conflicts. During a time when conflict is not raging, you can do this with your partner. What underlying issue connects all or most of your arguments? Think about this until you find some commonality because, in fact, there is practically always a connection. Most of us have one theme underlying all the fights throughout our relationships that plays out with endless variations. Puzzle out the theme and you’ll have a handle on all of your fights. For example, you and an intimate partner may have what appears to be a host of unrelated arguments when in fact all involve one person trying to exert control over the other, or one person needing to feel supported.

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