Soulmate Decisions: Dealing With Love and Hate

Were you both touched by the same star?

Source: By NASA, ESA, AURA/Caltech, Palomar Observatory; Public domain

When making a decision about love, despite the value of a pros and cons checklist, and even the weighted average, feelings can often be the deciding factor.

However, in the world of love, the person who you think is your soulmate—because they appear to meet all the criteria on your “must-have” list—may have a downside. For instance, if the perfect person happens to be married, that person should immediately move into the negative category.

Those playing with "married already" fire probably anticipate negative consequences, but tend to bury them. However, if you were caught unaware, you risk being consumed by hate, which can impact your ability to love again.

Reporting in Frontiers in Psychology, “The Deeper the Love, the Deeper the Hate” (2017), the authors noted:

“The results showed that people who shared similar values and interests with the target persons were more likely to experience stronger love. Additionally, stronger feelings of love were associated with greater hate after the relationship was broken . . . If one loves someone deeply and sometimes hates that person, the feeling of love may still be dominant in the context of betrayal. However, if one does not love that person, hate will be a much stronger feeling than love.”

What does this mean in terms of your own relationship?

If you are feeling stressed, anxious, or unsure of your relationship, the most important question to ask yourself is this: In my heart of hearts, do I believe that he or she is the one for me? To evaluate the answers, try these exercises:

• Write out the five qualities about the other person that helped you to fall in love. Was it kindness, empathy, the ability to listen, generosity of spirit, honesty?
• Write down and describe in detail at least two experiences that brought the two of you joy.
• Write out your concerns, from simple annoyances to self-destructive tendencies. If your partner annoys you because of sloppiness, that’s a workable issue. If you are concerned about your partner’s alcohol or drug habit—that could push you over the edge. However, if you sense betrayal, that could be the deal-breaker.

After giving some thought to your answers, ask yourself if this person is “the one” or just the one for now? If your answer is “I’m not sure,” then be careful about promises or commitments. However, I often think of the words of the late Dr. Leo Buscaglia, author of Love. He said that if we are waiting for the one and only, we will wait forever.

"There is no right person. We become the right person!" —Leo Buscaglia Quotes

Perhaps the two of you are going through a rough patch. As such, review what you love about the other person in your life. Make time to talk honestly about your differences or the stressors that are troubling you. Ask yourself what it is that is making you doubt the relationship.

If the issues are relatively simple to fix, taking time together and talking honestly and calmly can bring about a thoughtful resolution ("Choose Gratitude and Forgiveness Over Gunnysacking").

The politics problem: Many relationships are hitting roadblocks today because of politics. Here are some tips on how to handle the situation from Seth J. Gillihan, Ph.D.: "Help—I'm in Love with a Trump Supporter." Gillihan is a clinical assistant professor of psychology in the Psychiatry Department at the University of Pennsylvania.

A therapy solution: However, if you are in a stuck place, it can be wise to see a therapist who can work with you on issues leading to a resolution of differences or peaceful ending of the relationship. A clean break with no recriminations can help clear the path to love again.

Leaving when filled with anger or hate will deter you from finding new love. A better option might be to make a sincere effort to find your way back to the day when you and your partner believed that you were both touched by the same star.

Copyright 2019 Rita Watson