How to Deal with Projections in Relationships

We all project onto other people. People project feelings, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and standards onto others. Projections cause confusion in relationships.

How do we recognize other people’s projections onto us? How do we talk with others about their projections? How do we recognize our own projections onto others?

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An Unconscious Process

Projections are not conscious. We are unaware of them. They are characteristics of one person that get attributed to another person. Britannica.com defines psychological projections as “the mental process by which people attribute to others what is in their own minds.”

The American Psychological Association says projection is “the process by which one attributes one’s own individual positive or negative characteristics, affects, and impulses to another person or group.” (dictionary.apa.org)

Examples of Projections

• A woman having an affair blames her husband for affairs he is not having.
• A man thinking of divorcing his wife accuses his wife of hiring a divorce attorney.
• A boy conceals his anger with his father and worries his father is angry at him.

Projections Are Seductive

Many people accept others' projections as true depictions of themselves, when they are not. This can lead to unnecessary suffering with befuddlement, remorse, guilt, frustration and anger by the person accepting someone else’s projected emotions, beliefs, or ideas.

How to Talk about Projections with Others

Preface a discussion with information about projecting. Explain to others that we all project and you’d like to grasp their viewpoint. Speak up and ask questions of the other person. This helps clarify which person the idea or feeling belongs to.

There are two people in every relationship. Both people need to examine what they and the other person are doing, thinking, and so on. Saying something like, “Wait a minute, are you talking about you or me?” gets the ball rolling to examine a projection. Such questioning may draw you closer in your relationships and create a depth of understanding you have not had before.

Recognizing Another’s Projections onto You

From out of the blue, another person may say they know you are angry, sad, or are behaving badly. You may not feel the way they allege or believe that you are behaving wrongly. Yet their viewpoint or opinion may flummox you. If you believe their viewpoint is in error, it may be their projection onto you. Clarify their viewpoints and tell them yours.

Ask yourself, “Is this really me or him being talked about? Do I feel, believe, or act this way? Does this other person believe or behave the way they allege I do?” If the answer is it’s not you, it may likely be the other person projecting their behaviors or standards onto you. Ask them for their views on this issue to open up discussion.

Recognizing When You Project onto Others

Do you often rile up others when talking about your thoughts, feelings, or expectations of them? Are you able to be empathetic and see another person’s perspective? Do you contaminate your view of others when it is not truly them? If so, you may be projecting parts of you onto others.

Martin and Adams studied almost 4,000 people undertaking psychotherapy. They discovered distinct ways of projecting in people with different personalities. Self-absorbed people tend to project unsavory parts of themselves onto others. People more focused on pleasing and caring for others commonly project their good qualities onto other people.

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Projections Are Common in Romantic Relationships

Projection is very common behavior in romantic relationships, especially when first becoming acquainted. One person may hold a high standard and opinion of the other, unwarranted by who that person is and how they behave and think. Your thoughts and feelings may project a Pollyanna view onto your romantic partner. One person may see only good attributes in himself and project these onto a not-so-deserving partner.

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Check In with Your Own Thoughts, Beliefs, and Emotions

Projecting onto others may lead to poor mate and friend choices. It can also lead to friction and animosity in relationships. It may be helpful to ask yourself, “Could my opinion of someone else’s thoughts, actions, standards, or emotions be the way I see and critique myself and have nothing to do with another person?"

Third Party Considerations of Projections

Often in the work and legal arenas, other people are asked to evaluate who is doing what in a third-party relationship. Is a coworker being harassed by a colleague, or is it a projection and the coworker is actually harassing the complaining colleague?

In the court system, judges in divorce cases are asked to evaluate cases of parental alienation. In such instances, judges must consider whether the parent alleging the alienation is making a true allegation of parental alienation or whether the charge is a projection of a parent who is truly alienating his/her children and then blaming the other parent by way of projection.

Beyond the wider context of one-on-one relationships, people in workplaces and the legal system need to be able to identify the insidious and common use of projections. Doing so can improve relationships and cut down on psychological distress and confusion.