Parenting an Adult Addict: Be Kind to Yourself

For many parents, it can be a shock when they realize that their adult child is suffering from an addiction. Parents often choose to excuse away their child’s unusual behavior or mood changes, as fear or naivete can keep them from coming face-to-face with the truth. Once they come to terms with the fact of their child’s addiction, their reactions can vary along a wide spectrum, from anger and blaming to guilt and shame. Each of these are normal reactions.

Build Your Own Support Network to Best Support Your Child

Addiction is a lonely road for your child and the stigma surrounding addiction can make your child’s addiction a lonely road for you, too. Recognize that the majority of adults in the U.S. have been affected by addiction in some way, whether it was their own experience or that of a family member (Downey, 2023). The shame attached to your child’s challenges can lead to even greater suffering for you, as a parent. One of the most important things a parent can do when faced with this type of situation is to seek support. Trying to keep it all together while keeping a lock on the truth that you carry can strain even the strongest parent. Whether you confide in your partner, other family members, or your friends, you need to have people to lean on. Focus on maintaining as strong a family foundation as possible as it’s not easy parenting for, or caring for, an adult addict.

Addictions Are Journeys With a Crappy GPS

When an adult child is struggling with an addiction and trying to get clean, it is as if the whole family and support system are all along for the journey. But while everyone is travelling to the same destination, sobriety and recovery, they must do so in different spaces, pathways, and mindsets. An addict’s family can already see the finish line, i.e., when their child is sober. Unfortunately, the road that an addict travels will likely be filled with obstacles, wrong turns, and breakdowns. Families need to keep the faith that their child’s inner compass will get them to the finish line when they’ve overcome the varied obstacles that are slowing down or sidetracking their progress.

Parents need to be aware that there are going to be “false finishes” that they believe warrant the “checkered flag” and a victory lap. False finishes and relapses are almost always a part of the recovery process. The second time your child gets clean can be another false finish, just like the third or the sixth time. Just as those in recovery are told to plan for relapse, parents need to plan emotionally for relapse, as well.

Parents Cannot “Make it all Better”

While it is normal for parents to want to "fix" their children's problems, no one can force change on another person. The only person anyone can truly change is themselves. But families are systems, so any change that one person makes will affect others in the system to some degree. Thus, as parents begin to draw clear boundaries regarding acceptable behavior in their homes or in their presence, this may spark some form of change in their child—but seldom is it that easy. Addictions are cruel masters and lead your child to prioritize feeding the addiction over all else. In the throes of an addiction, your child may seem irrevocably lost to you and unreachable. Addiction can be like that—it doesn’t want the addict to focus on anything else but keeping the addiction fed.

Accepting the Hard-to-Accept Truth About Addiction

Parenting an adult addict is one of the most painful experiences a parent can face. It can feel as if you are losing your child again and again. The hardest part is when the flicker of hope a parent feels when their child verbalizes a desire to straighten themselves out is suddenly snuffed out, as their child once again returns to the behavior they'd promised they were going to avoid. Addictions seldom "run their course" before they've risked or ruined some aspect of your adult child's life.

The immediate event or reason that motivates someone to stop using is not necessarily going to be the reason that keeps them sober.

While many people believe that an addict needs to reach a “rock bottom moment,” as some kind of “push factor,” to propel them on the road to recovery, there are also “pull factors,” which may be more effective in supporting continuing recovery (David & Best, 2022). These are reasons to kick the addiction centered around connection, meaning, and empowerment. You may see your child spiraling down again and again, hoping that they will finally reach their true rock bottom. While the rock bottom moment that drives the decision to get sober may be a lost job, lost parental rights, lost license, lost life, or lost fortunes, the decision to stay sober is going to look different. Getting an adult child into recovery isn’t always the “checkered flag” moment you might have hoped for, but it’s an important first step to helping your child figure out what their new purpose and path can be.