Should You Ask Someone Where They Come From?

One day, not so long ago, I picked up my order of enchiladas from a popular food truck and sat down at a wooden table to eat. It was mid-afternoon and the only other diner at the table was a man who was eating a delicious-looking chicken burrito and saying goodbye to his son on his cellphone. I waited until he had completed the call.

“Hi,” I said cheerily, and he responded with “hi” and a big smile.

“Are you from Mexico?” I asked.

The man’s smile faded. His eyes darted furtively and his jaw tightened.

“Why do you ask?” he inquired.

“I’m a travel journalist and have been to Mexico many times. I love the country and culture and the people.”

The man relaxed. We began to talk, and he said he’s a massage therapist and a volunteer firefighter. He became a delightful lunch partner and after about 15 minutes I inquired if he had been uncomfortable when I asked if he was Mexican.

He nodded yes, and said that in the past he had experienced racism and fielded derogatory comments about him coming from Mexico, even though he has lived in the United States for 20 years. I apologized profusely and said, “Please correct me. Can you tell me how I should have asked?”

“Well,” he said, with some hesitation, “you could have talked to me about the Mexican food we were eating and then, in the course of the conversation, asked if I came from Mexico.”

I made a mental note.

A day later, in a grocery store, I was talking to my husband and another shopper said to me, “Hey, New Yawk.” I turned to look at him. Without missing a beat, he said, “fuggedabouddit” in a New York accent he had picked up from a Hollywood film. Over the next few minutes, I learned that he had once lived in New York for three months, and loved meeting New Yorkers.

In an instant, I flashed back to my Mexican lunch partner, and understood a bit of what he had felt.

I’ve always been attracted to people who come from other countries, and often reach out to them — partially out of curiosity and also because people in other places have been so welcoming, friendly, and helpful to my husband and me when we travel. Sometimes we exchange contact info and I invite them to contact me if they need any information or help. In several instances, they have followed up and I was happy to assist them in any way I could.

But how do we start a conversation with someone from somewhere else?

First, it's not always necessary to ask where someone is from. You can discuss other topics. But I think my lunch partner had a good idea — ease into the conversation. Or perhaps inquire, “May I ask you where you are from?” Sometimes, in the course of a conversation, your interlocutor may answer the question without you asking.

Yesterday, my husband and I were shopping for outdoor gear. As I was leaving, I saw him talking to the cashier. She was telling him about how she was half Italian and half American because she was born on an airplane, in mid-flight, to a mother who has half Italian. There was difficulty determining her nationality and it was finally decided “the top half of my body is American, because the plane was heading towards the United States. And the bottom half is Italian because I was coming from Italy. So, I have dual citizenship.” Then she paused for a minute and said to my husband, “Thanks for asking where I am from. I love telling that story and almost no one ever asks.”

I think it’s wonderful to have curiosity about other people, other cultures, and other places. All we can do is greet people with a smile, be friendly, and try to be sensitive. We’ll never be perfect, and of course we can sometimes blunder, but, in my opinion, it’s better than being wary or distant from others and treating them like strangers. “I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t a friend,” a young man from Ohio recently said to me.

I concur. It’s a good way to be in the world.