6 Keys to Dealing With Narcissistic People

People with narcissistic tendencies can share many traits, including

• A sense of entitlement: taking more than their share, grabbing the spotlight, insisting that their needs take priority
• A sense of superiority: habitually putting down, criticizing, one-upping, bragging; insisting they know best; needy for admiration (or sympathy)
• Low self-worth: sensitivity to feedback, low self-awareness, blame-shifting, and projecting their problems onto others
• Low empathy: lack of consideration for others’ feelings, thoughts, or perspectives
• Emotional dysregulation: moody, irritable, “slow burn,” explosive; generally unhappy, overwhelmed, worried, or distressed; chaotic lifestyle
• Seeing relationships as transactional: taking more than they give; exploiting people who have status, money, or other resources
• Controlling: argumentative; requiring others to align with their thoughts, desires, and goals
• Believing life is a zero-sum game: thinking win-win solutions don’t exist; unwillingness to collaborate, contribute, or negotiate
• Inconsistent, paranoid, illogical thinking: subscribing to an alternate reality; changing their narrative to suit their current agenda; convinced that their thoughts reflect “the truth.”

Needless to say, when a person has most or all of these tendencies, you will find it difficult to connect, speak your mind, or cultivate a harmonious relationship with them. Especially if you regularly spend time together, you likely feel off-balance and drained of energy, confidence, and patience in their presence. Unfortunately, if that someone is a boss, coworker, housemate, relative, or partner, you may not have the option of detaching or ending the relationship. But there are relationship skills you can hone to help you stay balanced, restore your energy, boost your confidence, and maintain your patience. And you can implement these skills with integrity and compassion, which fosters your well-being.

Here are six key relationship skills for effectively dealing with someone who has narcissistic tendencies:

1. Do not offer a diagnosis.

Telling someone they have narcissistic tendencies will be hotly contested, is not therapeutic, won’t inspire positive change, and will only make your dealings with them more difficult. Being aware of their narcissistic tendencies is information for your benefit only, enabling you to make sense of their behavior and more deftly interact with them.

2. Maintain healthy boundaries.

Be clear on where you end and where they begin. For example, be mindful of which responsibilities, jobs, and problems are yours and which ones are theirs so that you don’t veer into their lane or try to take over. Life is far easier when you stay in your own lane and let them be in charge of what’s happening in their lane.

For example, having narcissistic tendencies often means that they cannot take input from others. So, accept that their point of view belongs to them, and don’t waste your time trying to get them to see things your way. Instead of rescuing them, let them deal with the consequences of their own behavior and decisions.

3. Set clear limits.

Be clear with your self about what’s OK with you and what’s not. This self knowledge will come in handy when you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, confused, or angry, as it enables you to pay attention and assert yourself compassionately. Compassionate assertiveness means that you stand up for yourself firmly but also kindly rather than by attacking, manipulating, criticizing, or blaming. For example, you might say, “I see what you mean (compassion), but I see it differently, so let’s just agree to disagree (assertive).” Or, “I understand that it’s not a big deal to you (compassion), but yes, it is a big deal to me (assertive).” Or, “I know you’re frustrated (compassion), but it is hard for me to do better when you try to make me feel worse (assertive).”

It is also more productive to set limits proactively and when you’re both in a calm mindset rather than in the heat of conflict. For example, if you make plans to meet somewhere, let them know that if they are running late, that’s OK, and they can join you when they arrive (compassion), but you’ll go ahead and get started on the activity (assertive).

4. De-escalate tension.

If a discussion or argument is heating up, or you’re being criticized, dismissed, or undermined, resist the urge to argue, defend, persuade, or collapse, as this only fuels their narcissism. Instead, you can cool it down by affirming their point—“I hear you; that does sound difficult/maddening/amazing/painful/interesting”—and then you can change the subject or perhaps suggest that you can continue discussing this another time. Then, if possible, excuse yourself to go do something else or simply focus on calming your own nervous system, which might have a calming effect on theirs too. If they continue to argue or attack, disengage by becoming calm and silent or calmly leaving the room. Your calm silence or calm absence speaks volumes and makes it abundantly clear that they are the ones making all the noise.

5. Maintain your own dignity and self-worth.

Strive to always take the high road rather than joining them in the ditch. Keep an open mind, acknowledge your contribution, seek personal growth, and practice effective relationship skills. It can help to remember that people with narcissistic tendencies also tend to be wounded and fragile, and therefore, prone to projection and blame-shifting-- so it’s safe to assume that their criticisms are saying far more about their fears and shortcomings than yours.

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6. Spend time with people who are supportive and value you.

People with narcissistic tendencies are often so needy that they have little to give. And they’re so self-absorbed and busy trying to get your admiration and submission that they don’t have the bandwidth to really get to know you or to truly care about you. To keep your sanity and self-worth intact, spend less time with the narcissistic people in your life, and seek out people who appreciate you and want to connect with you.

Don’t lose sight of the fact that when you feel harmony and a balanced give-and-take with someone, and you’re both comfortable just being your authentic, imperfect selves around each other, those are key signs of a supportive, healthy relationship. You deserve to have more of that in your life.

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