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Key points
- Being annoyed by a partner's appearance is challenging because it taps into a person's desire to be with someone they find attractive.
- Focusing on one's own priorities and behavior, such as practicing self-care or building healthy habits, can help one let go of the problem.
- When a person steps back and makes room for a partner to be in charge of themselves, the show of respect can boost the partner's confidence.
This query is from a dear reader:
I was at a breaking point in my marriage when I stumbled upon your posts about how to deal with your partner’s annoyances. I really took a long, hard look at myself and the reasons I felt so annoyed. And it worked! These tips saved my marriage! But… I still feel annoyed with my partner’s refusal to lose weight. How can I look past that if physical attraction is important to me? His other annoyances are easy to look past but how can I retrain my mind to overlook something that is physically unappealing?
Thanks for any advice!
Congratulations on doing the inner work necessary to reduce your feelings of annoyance. As for being annoyed by your husband’s physical appearance, that's really tough, partly because it taps into our biological urge to be with someone who is physically attractive to us. Also, our society puts a premium on body size, often giving us unrealistic expectations, while surrounding us with unhealthy foods and promoting unhealthy habits. It's a bad system.
There's one overall strategy you might find helpful: Stop making this your problem to solve. Here are four suggestions that can set you free from this burden.
1. Shift your focus.
Because the more you focus on what's bothering you, the more you, well, focus on what's bothering you. And that only adds to your distress. To what can you shift your focus? Number one on my list would be self-care. As in, you could focus on your own well-being — that might mean doing more of what you really want to do (rather than what you should do) or spending more time tending to your own body's fitness and feeding. Which leads us to...
2. Practice healthy habits.
Weight can be very much affected by getting adequate sleep every night, having only healthy foods in the house, preparing meals at home, taking up activities that move your body, and reducing stress by getting outside, engaging in interesting hobbies, or going on fun outings. Your husband may even want to join you if it looks like you're having fun. At the same time...
3. Accept that you have zero control over his body weight and appearance.
And you have zero control over whether he's focused on or worried about it. You can only exercise control over what you think and do about your own body and its fitness, health, and size. Furthermore, when you stop taking charge and pressing him to change (however subtle you might be), you make room for him to be in charge of his own body. Best of all, when you step back, you are showing respect for his priorities, capabilities, and control over his own destiny. Your show of respect will likely have the side effect of boosting his confidence, which will likely make him more attractive to you. Remember way back when he was the confident guy you fell for? Make room for him again.
4. Work on having a healthy relationship with your own body.
Do you try to measure up to the ideals you see in fashion models and celebrities? Remember that the vast majority of published photos you see are photoshopped and airbrushed to perfection. Also, look around and notice the women you find attractive in spite of their supposed imperfections. By becoming more content with your own female body, you’ll likely find yourself feeling more content with his.
Just as you looked inward before, you can look inward again. Therein lies your power for change.
The next post explores four practices that can retrain your mind to overlook what's unappealing and renew your focus on your mate's attractive qualities.
