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Key points
- Absolutism is a dangerous popular option for checking out of reality and feeling eternally safe and free.
- It's very easy to become an absolutist by parodying the formula.
- Absolutism relies on the exploiting of slippery, loaded, and load-bearing "bedrock-butter" terms.
- Absolutism is deadly, which is why it's so important that we understand and admit to its attractions.
If you’re suffering from doubt, anxiety, guilt, disappointment, depression, or fear and wish you never had to feel such painful and inconvenient emotions again, this formula is for you! It’s a super-simple way to eliminate them once and for all.
It requires no self-discipline or thinking whatsoever. Indeed, they’d only get in the way. Nor does it require any spiritual, religious, or political convictions, but if you’ve got them, great! They’ll come in handy as props for the formula.
To rid yourself of all doubt, anxiety, disappointment, depression, and fear, you’ll want to become an absolutist. Now, maybe you’ve heard that absolutists are dangerous, even evil. Never mind that. Being an absolutist is fun and empowering. It feels good to be one!
What is absolutism? Absolute originally meant dissolved off, detached from, set apart, untouched, and untouchable. Think absolution, complete forgiveness for all eternity. Perfectly safe and free. Nothing can get in your way ever again.
Sounds fun, right? Who wouldn’t want to be absolved? Anyone who suffers, doubt, anxiety, guilt, disappointment, depression, or fear, and that’s everyone! Everyone, that is, but absolutists!
Who gets to be an absolutist? Anyone who wants to! You don’t even have to have any beliefs to become one! You’ll need to act like you have beliefs that are more important than everyone else’s, but that’s just for show. Absolutists don’t have real beliefs.
Who decides if you’re absolved? You do! You simply decide you’re never going to put up with any more doubt, anxiety, guilt, disappointment, depression, or fear. Enough! Never again! No one’s ever going to tread on you again. You’ve been oppressed for too long, which proves you’ve been right and righteous all along.
Want more than self-affirmation? No problem! As an absolutist, you get to pick the people credible enough to absolve you. Just pick anyone who agrees with you. Chances are you can find a cult of absolutists that agrees with you. Heck, you don’t even need real people to feel absolved. You can pick any of the many name-droppable almighty supernatural powers and claim that they absolve you. Imaginary allies like God or any higher power are the perfect endorsers of your self-absolution.
OK, so how do you start? Declare war! And yourself an absolutely infallible and saintly hero of that war. Declare yourself eternally, permanently, absolutely heroic. That way every obstacle in your path is criminally immoral and every obstacle you pose on others is heroically moral. Sweet, right?
Just puff out your chest and shout, “No compromise!” Like all absolutists, you’re a soldier defending what’s right and righteous against evil-doers who just want evil to prevail.
As an absolutist, you’re always the winner even when you’re losing, since losing proves you’re a heroic martyr standing up for what’s right and righteous. You know everything and what you don’t know is beneath you. You always do what’s right and righteous and when you don’t, so what? It’s for a great heroic cause.
Now people are going to call you a hypocrite. Sure you are, but hell. no, of course you’re not! No way! Why? Because whatever you do is for the greatest cause of all.
What cause is that? It doesn’t matter. It could be just ‘cause you said so. But you’ll have to have names for your cause, props in your absolutist crusade. That’s where the absolutist’s special sauce comes in, the secret ingredient that enables you to pose as the heroic winner no matter what.
Your special sauce is miracle words, miracles in that they can change the laws of nature just by you uttering them. You’ll need just a few of them to ground your absolutism firmly on a bedrock of slippery butter. The good news is you probably use plenty of them already.
These bedrock-butter words are loaded and load-bearing. They’re loaded in that they sound absolutely good, like freedom, god, love, patriotism, kindness, or loyal, or absolutely bad, like oppression, Satan, hate, traitor, unkind, or disloyal. They’re load-bearing in that everything you proclaim rests on them. No matter what, you’re always freedom-loving, patriotic, kind, and loyal and never oppressive, satanic, hateful, traitorous, unkind, or disloyal.
Now sometimes they’re used by people who don’t agree with you. No matter! They’re wrong. Your miracle bedrock butter words belong only to you and your like-minded allies. Everyone else is using them wrong. For instance, freedom means freedom only for you. Anyone who says they deserve freedom from you is using it wrong and should be locked up. Pretty cool, huh?
Besides, there are loaded, load-bearing, brand-name words, exclusive to whatever absolutist lifestyle brand you choose. All the religious, spiritual, and political lifestyle brands have them, for example, MAGA, Woke, Communist, Mindful. If you’re an absolutist, never mind what they mean. Make them as slippery as butter. Just don your winning team’s jersey. Wear your brand name proudly and you’re good to go. You’re an exception. Superhuman. Heroic no matter what.
As long as you rest your case on these vague load-bearing, loaded, bedrock-butter terms, you never have to think at all. You’ll feel right and righteous no matter what. An absolutist is a fundamentalist grounded in slippery bedrock.
As an absolutist, you’ll be able to draw fluid hard lines. You get to draw the hard line between good and evil, which you can redraw wherever you like. No matter where you draw it, you’re the good guy and anyone who disagrees with you is automatically the bad guy, a bad guy because they disagree with you.
It’s that simple! Be a proud absolutist resting on a bedrock of butter words and never again do you have to experience doubt, anxiety, guilt, disappointment, depression, or fear. Your conscience will be coddled no matter what you do. Safe and free forever more! Just keep saying "no compromise! No deed too dirty for a saint like me!"
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