Verified by 
Gaslighting
How to Handle Gaslighting Parents
Four tips for regaining control of your reality and self-esteem.
Posted December 10, 2022 Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster
Key points
- Gaslighting distorts the reality of children, which can create adults who do not know how to trust the world around them.
- While not all gaslighting is done maliciously, it can still create a sense of confusion.
- Practicing being aware of your truth can help combat the distortions experienced with your parents.
When we think of gaslighting, we often think of romantic partners. But our families are often the first experience that many of us have with unhealthy or even toxic behaviors.
If you struggle to trust yourself in relationships and find that you have a history of relationships with people who commonly lie to you or deny your reality–perhaps you were conditioned to think this is normal behavior.
In my practice, I find that people who struggle with working through gaslighting in their romantic relationships struggle because these experiences are all too familiar.
If a child grows up in an environment that is nurturing and emotionally healthy, they will usually develop the self-esteem and self-confidence that arms them throughout their adulthood, making them less susceptible to psychological abuse tactics in adult relationships. (However, this is not always the case, of course- as people with no history of family trauma can fall victim to gaslighting as well.)
Some common signs of gaslighting parents are when they say things such as, “you’re just being sensitive. Dad didn't mean it like that,” “I was just trying to toughen you up. It’s for your own good,” or–my personal favorite, “what are you talking about? Your childhood was fine. You don't know real abuse!”
Not all gaslighting is done maliciously. Some parents might do this in an attempt to protect or shield their children from uncomfortable feelings, such as parents who tell their children, “no, dad didn’t forget to pick you up. He is just busy a lot,” when the other parent fails to pick them up for yet another scheduled visit. I find that this form of gaslighting is frequently done with the best of intentions to shield the children from difficult emotions or experiences, as most parents instinctually want to protect their children.
When working with adult survivors with family of origin trauma, we often have to begin the work by unlearning bad habits. Knowing how to protect yourself against gaslighting parents takes time and skill, but here are some tips that I recommend to get you started:
1. Acknowledge and accept your feelings. This is one of the effects of gaslighting that stays with survivors well into adulthood and is often seen in people who say things such as, "maybe it's just me," or "perhaps I am remembering it wrong." Many parents are unaware of the impact of their behavior and say things such as, “it wasn't that bad. You turned out fine, didn’t you?”
When children have their reality denied by their caregivers, they often grow up feeling insecure and distrustful of their own feelings. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings without needing to justify them to anyone. If something bothers you, it bothers you–you do not need permission. Acknowledge it by speaking its truth to yourself. "That situation bothered me, and I have a right to feel that way."
2. Do not try to convince them. After years of having your experiences denied or minimized, it will understandably feel good to try to argue back with them and prove your case. And while this tactic might work for some people, it is not encouraged. Most people will be defensive and try to justify their actions, causing you to have to elevate yourself emotionally in order to meet their level of denial.
This often comes from a place of denial and self-protection, a common defense mechanism common in all of us because it is not easy to think about our own behavior being potentially harmful. However, meeting them at their level of dysfunction can be all-consuming and can affect your own mental health.
3. Practice implementing boundaries. To survivors of dysfunctional families, boundaries are often unheard of. Many of my clients have to learn what their boundaries are and how to enforce them well into adulthood. Whatever age you are, you can learn what your boundaries are. Start by thinking about what things bother you, such as conversation topics or situations that you do not feel comfortable in.
For some, it might be the expectation that you are always available. For others, it might be political or sensitive conversation topics that they wish to avoid. Knowing that you can choose to walk away or end the conversation if you feel uncomfortable or not answer the phone if you are not available can feel empowering.
4. Seek support. For some, their experiences of gaslighting were part of a larger pattern of emotional abuse and invalidation, leaving them with residual feelings that they need to work through. There is no shame in seeking therapy or mental health support to help with tools to unlearn these negative patterns. There are also online support groups, as well as educational books and journals, that help with things like developing boundaries and improving self-confidence.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
