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Key points
- Research shows people with more satisfying sex lives report more frequent sexual fantasies that reflect the type of sexual experiences they have.
- People who are not satisfied with their sexual and relational lives are more likely to fantasize about alternative partners.
- Following relationship threat, people create fantasies in which they try to mend the threatened relationship and heal their wounded ego.
How do real-life interactions affect your fantasies? Do you just relive them, running some version of them in your mind, or do you try to compensate for frustrating aspects of your sexual experiences? Take a look at a short fantasy to better understand these two possibilities:
“I’m in a private party with three amazing, muscular men, and they are giving me the time of my life.”
One possibility is that this fantasy reflects the fantasizer’s past sexual experience of engaging in an orgy. Another possibility is that the fantasizer had not experienced much success in the sexual arena lately. To feel better about herself, she created a fictitious scenario in which she was sexually adored.
You may ask yourself which of these possibilities is more likely. An answer to this question was offered by Freud who famously wrote that “a happy person never fantasizes, only an unsatisfied one.” If you accept the view that the motivation for sexual fantasies is unsatisfied wishes, you can expect that sexual frustration will generate frequent fantasizing.
However, research shows that contrary to Freud’s assertion, people with more active and satisfying sex lives report more frequent sexual fantasies which reflect the type of sexual experience they have. In contrast, people who suffer from sexual difficulties are those who fantasize less often. The current clinical view indeed considers fantasies as an integral part of healthy sexuality, indicating that minimal fantasizing is one of the key markers of low sexual desire disorder.
We can thus conclude that frequent fantasizing is not experienced in compensation for a lack of enjoyable sexual stimulation. Still, it is the content of fantasies rather than their frequency that may compensate for real-life frustrations. To give an example, it is well documented that as the length of romantic relationships increases, both men and women tend to experience a larger proportion of fantasies that involve someone other than their current partner. Such fantasies may compensate for relationship burnout or sexual boredom.
To be sure, people who are not satisfied with their sexual and relational lives are more likely to fantasize about alternative partners than those who are satisfied. These people may use their fantasies to manage sexual or relational distress by creating an alternative “reality” in which, for example, they are in a powerful position or feel sexually desirable. Using such fantasies may counteract the initial distressing event, thereby boosting their self-esteem.
As an example, let’s think about a fictitious couple named Jim and Skyler who had a bitter fight about household chores. Skyler had a long and stressful day at work. Then, she was stuck in a traffic jam on the way home from daycare pick up while the kids were wailing in the back seat. Skyler got home starving. She decided to sauté vegetables in the pan but realized it was still dirty from the eggs Jim made in the morning. At this point, Skyler lost it, shouting at Jim that he was selfish and inconsiderate. Instead of washing the pan, Jim replied that he had had a rough day and the last thing he needed now was her criticism. He added angrily that if he had known that she would be bitchy like her mom, he would have married Elsa. Skyler was feeling so alone, misunderstood, and worthless that she could not even cry. After having dinner, Skyler took a walk to relieve her anger. While walking, Skyler had the following fantasy:
“I’m with Paul, my ex, on a secluded beach. Paul tells me how much he loves me and cares for me. He is kissing me all over my body, caressing me gently. He knows me really well and I feel as if I have melted in his arms. I hope it will never end.”
In this fantasy, Skyler tries to comfort herself by recalling (or imagining) an episode in which she is held physically and psychologically by another partner with whom she feels loved and understood. Regardless of whether this episode actually happened in real life, while fantasizing, Skyler might relive her desire to feel nurtured in a relationship. This sense of being taken care of may help Skyler regain her self-worth and improve her well-being.
To test the possibility that sexual fantasies compensate for relationship difficulties, you may want to see what happens when people feel that their relationship with a current partner is being threatened by a potential separation. How does this threat affect what they fantasize about? To find out, my colleagues and I conducted a series of experiments in which participants visualized either that their relationship was under threat or other scenes that did not pose a threat to their relationship, such as failure on an examination or a partner going to a grocery store.
To ensure that participants had an actual scene in mind, we asked them to describe in detail the specific event. Let’s take a look at a description written by one of the participants that illustrates what such a visualization means:
“I arrive home from work and hear ‘suspicious’ sounds coming from my bedroom. Not bothering to knock, I open the door and find my girlfriend in bed with a naked strange man. For a minute, they look so happy with each other, but, of course, my presence changes everything. I feel I am getting nuts. I imagine myself strangling the man with my bare hands. I feel that I am shaking out of rage. Finally, I find myself running away to my mom’s house, but the sight of the two lovers keeps haunting me.”
As you can see, this participant reported a very vivid visualization of an episode in which his relationship was threatened by a cheating partner. You can almost feel the shock that gripped him when he witnessed the lovers in action and the maddening pain he was experiencing. To be sure, the threat posed in this scene was compelling enough that the participant could not help but long for the reassuring presence of his mother.
Participants then wrote down the first fantasy that came to their minds. After analyzing these fantasies, we discovered that following relationship threat, people experienced sexual fantasies in which they wished to feel irresistibly desired. They also engaged in nurturing themes in which both they and the objects of their fantasies behaved affectionately and pleasingly.
Conclusions
People use their fantasies to cope with their miseries. A potential separation from a partner threatens one’s self-esteem as well as the fate of the relationship. In their quest to defend themselves against these threats, people create fantasies in which they try to mend the threatened relationship and heal their wounded ego. In this sense, fantasies provide a compensatory route for satiating otherwise unmet psychological needs.
See my TEDx talk on why humans make sex so complicated here.
Facebook image: STEKLO/Shutterstock
References
1. Birnbaum, G. E. (2007). Beyond the borders of reality: Attachment orientations and sexual fantasies. Personal Relationships, 14, 321-342.
2. Birnbaum, G. E., Kanat-Maymon, Y., Mizrahi, M., Recanati, M., & Orr, R. (2019). What fantasies can do to your relationship: The effects of sexual fantasies on couple interactions. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 45(3), 461-476.
3. Birnbaum, G. E., Mikulincer, M., & Gillath, O. (2011). In and out of a daydream: Attachment orientations, daily relationship quality, and sexual fantasies. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37, 1398-1410.
4. Birnbaum, G. E., Simpson, J. A., Weisberg, Y. J., Barnea, E., & Assulin-Simhon, Z. (2012). Is it my overactive imagination? The effects of contextually activated attachment insecurity on sexual fantasies. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29, 1131–1152.
5. Birnbaum, G. E., Svitelman, N., Bar-Shalom, A., & Porat, O. (2008). The thin line between reality and imagination: Attachment orientations and the effects of relationship threats on sexual fantasies. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 34, 1185-1199.
