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Key points
- It's a myth that learning to argue better is the most important way to keep a marriage stable and content.
- Among successful couples, there are different ways to manage conflict.
- Research has shown that good couples' communication is mostly about what not to do.
"The notion that you can save your marriage just by learning to communicate more sensitively is probably the most widely held misconception about happy marriages...." —John Gottman (1999)
Improving communication skills has long been considered a key part of couples’ counseling. The assumption is that better communication and active listening can make all the difference in resolving couples’ conflicts. While there is an advantage to improving communication skills, these skills alone will not make or break a relationship.
Three types of conflict management
Most of us know at least one couple among friends or family who seem to argue frequently and loudly. We may sometimes wonder how, or why, these two individuals stay together.
You might also know a couple who tends to avoid argument at all costs. Each person might vent to someone else, spend money, or withdraw to their own space for a while. In the context of marriage counseling, these couples will usually maintain tremendous self-control and avoid arguing even when the issues are big ones.
Decades of research and observation of couples’ conflict resolution styles have shown that there are three types of successful relationships. These types have been described by John Gottman as “volatile couples” (arguers), “conflict-avoiders,” and “validators.”
Volatile couples: These couples are very expressive of their feelings and thoughts about the conflicts that arise between them. As soon as a complaint is made, or a need is expressed, the arguers will try to persuade each other that they are right. In addition to trying to persuade each other, they are interested in each other’s views and may use humor or affection during the argument.
Conflict-avoiders: As you might expect, these couples avoid trying to convince or persuade each other. They are not trying to compromise, agree, or solve the problem. They are more comfortable with agreeing to disagree. When they are emotionally expressive, their style is low-key and self-controlled.
Validating couples: These couples will try to influence each other, but only to a point, and only when the issues are very important to them. They focus on their companionship and their friendship. To the volatile couple, this couple looks like they lack passion, but that would be a false assumption.
Is there a right way to resolve couples conflicts?
The surprising result of Gottman’s studies of these three types of couples was that all three can be successful, in terms of being content and stable. Other aspects of the relationship are more important in the longer term. If they become parents, all three types are equally effective at parenting well-adjusted kids. You might expect that the children of the volatile couple would be more anxious on average, due to frequent arguing in their homes. Or you might expect the children of conflict-avoiders to lack a model of how to resolve conflict through persuasion.
There’s no evidence that any of these styles affect a couple's children, in general. Of course, a child’s inborn temperament is a factor that can affect their adjustment to the conflict-resolution style of their parents. Likewise, having a neurodiverse child is a factor that warrants special attention to the level of stress or conflict in the home.
What should be avoided when couples communicate?
According to Gottman’s classic research, there are five things couples should avoid if they are trying to maintain a stable and content relationship. Regardless of the style of managing conflict, five types of interaction have been shown to be most critical in terms of the damage they can cause to the relationship.
Harsh Start-Ups: A harsh start-up is when the first statement is critical, sarcastic, or blaming. For example, “If you hadn’t forgotten to…, we wouldn’t be having this problem!” When the discussion begins this way, it’s likely to end on a sour note. It’s difficult to avoid defensiveness when you’re being directly blamed for some problem. A better start-up might be: “How can we remember to get this done in the future? Is there any way I can help?”
Criticism: The discussion might start out calmly, with a complaint or a need expressed. A complaint is about a specific action or inaction and should relate to a circumstance. It becomes a criticism when it turns into a remark about the other person’s character. For example, “You’re so forgetful and inconsiderate. You just don’t care!” Criticism isn’t unusual in couples’ arguments, but it becomes fatal to the relationship when it happens often.
Contempt: Contempt is criticism taken up a notch and it’s much more damaging. Contempt includes sneering, name-calling, cynicism, and hostile humor. Another common form of contempt is sarcasm in the context of a couple's disagreement. For example, a sarcastic reply to the above example might be: “And you’re so perfect; you never forget anything!”
Defensiveness: Although defensiveness is a natural response to criticism, blame, or contempt, it rarely has the effect of calming down the person with the initial complaint. It’s essentially saying: “This isn’t my problem; You’re the problem!” This counter-blaming usually has the effect of escalating the argument. Getting a defensive response to a complaint feels like being told “I haven’t done anything wrong. What’s wrong with you?”
Stonewalling: Stonewalling is when one partner, usually the one who hears the initial complaint, tunes out. They stop responding in any way and instead look away or try to focus on something else. This response usually happens later in an argument, or later in a marriage with a history of nonproductive arguments. Stonewalling might avoid more hurtful comments, but it also leaves both people feeling emotionally disconnected.
Final Thoughts
While careful communication and conflict resolution style are not the main factors in a happy marriage, there are behaviors to avoid when couples do communicate. These have been identified by decades of research as harsh start-ups, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These types of interactions don’t help to resolve conflict and cause more hurt feelings and emotional disconnection.
In a sense, good communication skills for couples means not falling into any of these five bad habits. As long as these critical bad habits are avoided, a couple can be content and stable regardless of their style of managing conflict.
References
Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press: New York, NY.
Gottman, J. (1999). The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy. W.W. Norton & Company: New York and London.
