What's Holding You Back and What to Do About It

The new year brings the opportunity to take an honest look at ourselves and consider what we’re doing that isn’t working out so well for us. Many Americans would probably like to change one or more of their lifestyle habits, such as getting more exercise, eating healthier, saving more money for long-term goals, being more productive at work, or taking more time away from work. I could check several items on that list that need work personally.

As a psychologist and therapist, I’ve always been fascinated by how we change our behavior and maintain new habits. When clients ask me for help with a behavior change, my first questions are: “Do you really want this change?” “Why?” and then, “What’s been stopping you?”

The first two questions are usually quickly answered with comments such as “Of course I do” and “because I know I should change this habit.”

The third question is always the one people get stuck on. Many of us never really think about what stops us from reaching our goals. At least not in an honest, self-reflective way.

The Role of Self-Reflection in Changing Our Habits

The need for honest self-reflection to achieve habit change was driven home to me when I read a recent post by a former mentor and fellow Psychology Today author, George Everly. He wrote about the process of “self-cultivation” as a model for habit change, with the first step being self-reflection. Based upon both my work as a clinician and my personal challenges with behavior change, it became very clear to me that this was a first step that I and so many of my former clients had overlooked.

We need to take a closer look at our own behavior to recognize and accept the reality of our choices now and how those choices are not bringing us closer to who we want to be. Part of this reflective process is being honest with ourselves about why we’re stuck in our self-defeating habits.

What Attitudes Keep Us Stuck in Our Old Habits?

There are various reasons that we get stuck in old habits. Some of the most common include:

• Denial of the facts. This problem is at the core of what maintains the most dangerous behavioral habits, such as chemical addictions, compulsive spending, and compulsive eating. Denial is probably the most difficult problem to overcome. It usually requires professional help or at least a well-executed intervention with loved ones present.
• Wishful thinking. A good example is my temporary hope that I could eat as much as I liked as long as I exercised “a lot.” I found out that exercising more just made me hungrier, so I ate more. This attitude blocked my goal of being more fit. Another more common example of wishful thinking is the classic statement, “Starting tomorrow, I’ll do …” How often does that actually happen?
• You tell yourself that you lack self-discipline or are simply lazy. I’m always skeptical when clients give this as a reason that they’re not reaching their goals. I’ve never met anyone that I believed to be fundamentally lazy. However, most people are unmotivated for at least one type of activity, whether house-cleaning, exercising, or cooking homemade meals. Each person is capable of self-discipline when the outcome is truly important to them.
• Fear of change and what other unintended changes might follow. This is another one of the most difficult attitude challenges. It’s complicated because we’re often not consciously aware of those fears. Speaking with a therapist is one way to uncover these hidden blocks to changing our behaviors.

How to Overcome Your Hurdles

The first step is being completely honest with yourself. Acceptance of what you’re doing now or not can be followed by a desire to make changes for your well-being. Following are some additional tips for overcoming unhelpful attitudes.

• Identify your hurdles to change and make a conscious decision to overcome them.
• Be forgiving and kind to yourself. Part of being human is being imperfect; seeking perfection is self-destructive because it only leads to disappointment and suffering. You might aim to be the best (imperfect) version of yourself.
• Consider using a habit change guide such as James Clear’s Atomic Habits, which describes many habit change tips and concepts.
• Encourage yourself as you work toward the changes you desire. Give yourself a proverbial pat on the back; you’re on the right track now.
• Use practical and immediate reinforcement as needed to get through the first weeks of the new habit.
• Take advantage of the experience of others who have made the changes you’re working on. Talk to friends, peers, or others who have accomplished what you’d like to do. By simply observing the behavior of others who have succeeded, you might gain information as well as confidence.
• Seek help from a therapist if you’re having trouble identifying what’s stopping you or struggling to manage your personal hurdles.

In sum, believing in yourself and your potential is only the beginning of the process of reaching your goals. It’s crucial to know which attitudes or fears prevent you from changing your behavior. We can move past these hurdles and reach our goals when we identify them and accept them as needing our attention.

“We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate; it oppresses.” —Carl Jung

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.