Are You Willing to Pay the Hidden Cost of Success?

Buyer’s remorse—it’s something we’ve all experienced at some point in our lives. It happens when reality doesn’t meet our expectations—when the thing we thought we wanted doesn’t actually bring the satisfaction or happiness we thought it would.

But it doesn’t just happen over a pair of expensive shoes, a fancy car, or the latest high-tech gadget we thought would solve all our problems. Buyer’s remorse can also happen when we achieve success. Because it’s not just the price we pay to achieve success, it’s also the price we pay after achieving success.

While some studies have found achievement to be positively correlated with life satisfaction, this relationship and its nuances are still largely unexplored in psychological literature.

Many people who achieve success feel empty or overwhelmed—because they don’t actually want everything that comes with success. Sometimes becoming a bestselling author, world-renowned entrepreneur, or beloved celebrity isn’t a dream, but a nightmare.

When Success Becomes a Nightmare

One of the most powerful questions I have my coaching clients ask themselves before committing to a new project or opportunity is: Do I want the successful version of this?

I started using this question after realizing I didn’t want to “succeed” as a psychologist.

It took me 12+ years to become a psychologist. But “success” as a psychologist typically means eventually becoming the director of behavioral health for a medical clinic. It would’ve meant drowning in administrative red tape, endless staff meetings, eventually becoming president of my state psychological association and leading presentations so other psychologists could check off a box to get enough continuing education credits to maintain their license, and hitting an income ceiling by age 40—regardless of how great I was at my job.

It would have been my living nightmare. But one person’s nightmare is another person’s dream. My internship supervisor was the director of behavioral health. One time, I caught him in the hallway dancing and grinning ear-to-ear to himself. Guess what he was doing? Making copies of a therapy manual. He legitimately loved all the administrative work, giving conference presentations, and was even the editor of a small psychology journal. He’s now the CEO of a medical company and thriving.

He wanted the successful version of being a psychologist. I didn’t, but I almost realized it too late (more on that in a bit). But this question of “Do I want the successful version of this?” can help us think through whether the path we’re on is leading us to a destination we actually want. Because it’s easy to focus on the prestige of “arriving,” but lose sight of what the day-to-day reality of success looks like.

The Hidden Cost of Success

Most of us only ever think about the price we have to pay to achieve success—not the price we have to pay after we achieve success.

Maybe you want to become a bestselling author…

Being a best-selling author sounds great—your work inspires millions, you’re known around the world, and opportunities most people only ever dream about are your reality.

After spending years crafting a stellar book, you achieve success.

Congratulations!

Now comes the lack of privacy and constant requests to make an appearance that comes with celebrity, the army of trolls in your comments, and the nagging insecurity that your next book won’t be as good because people will expect more out of you.

Tim Ferriss, the world-famous author of The 4-Hour Workweek, has written about the hidden costs of success that came with writing a best-selling book, including having to move out of his house due to stalkers showing up every day after the book came out.

Do you really want the successful version of this?

You might.

Or you might decide this hidden cost is too much.

Maybe you want to become a wealthy entrepreneur…

Entrepreneurship sounds great—you get to control your schedule, make money doing what you love, and have no cap on your income.

After spending years pouring everything you have into building a business, you finally “make it” as an entrepreneur.

Congratulations!

Have you thought about what it looks like to actually run a successful business on a day-to-day basis?

Entrepreneurship means trading one boss for thousands (your customers), never being able to fully “clock out,” and constantly facing uncertainty about how market conditions outside your control could affect your ability to make enough to pay your bills since you don’t have the security of a regular paycheck.

If you build a large business, it could mean managing dozens (or even thousands) of employees, getting mired in logistics and meetings, and being one bad quarter away from bankruptcy.

If you build a “lifestyle” or “solopreneur” business, it could mean doing everything for your business—marketing, copywriting, creating content, developing products, web design—all by yourself, working seven days a week, and feeling obligated to “feed the machine” of social media to grow your personal brand.

Both are viable, and either can lead to incredible satisfaction or misery.

It’s just a matter of if you actually want the "successful version" of being an entrepreneur.

Maybe you want to become a famous actor…

Being a famous actor sounds great—you become a household name around the world, get to schmooze with other celebrities, and build a legacy of films that can inspire people for generations to come.

Until you have a family and realize you’ll have to spend 12 hours a day, five days a week on set and away from your family during filming, then travel for months on end promoting it, then repeat this cycle for the next film or show. Jake Johnson, popularly known as Nick from the show New Girl, discussed how he ran into this exact issue when he started doing feature-length films and decided to back away from them to spend more time with his family—because he wants the successful version of raising a family at this point in his life.

Being famous also means running simple errands will be a thing of the past. Celebrity Dwayne Johnson has talked about how he can’t just go to the store to run a quick errand—he has to call ahead to plan logistics with security companies or else risk getting mobbed and have to call the police to help him get out of a simple grocery store. However, Johnson says he loves being famous and gladly accepts these hidden costs of success because he says, “the greatest benefit to fame is being able to impact people in a positive way around the world.”

These examples show there is no right or wrong way to approach the hidden costs of success—there’s only knowing which price you’re willing to pay, and which price you’re not willing to pay.

Because sometimes, quitting one path can set you up to succeed on another.

When Quitting to Avoid Success Is How You Ultimately Win

When I lost my therapy job in 2020 due to COVID-19 layoffs, it felt awful. But it ended up being one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. Because shortly after getting fired, I realized I didn’t want to “succeed” on the path I’d spent the last 12+ years of my life pursuing. So I quit that path. I still use my training as a psychologist every day. But instead of dealing with psychopathology (mental illness), I use my skills to coach creators and entrepreneurs, build my own business, and create content to help people reach their potential in life and business.

I’m way more fulfilled than I would have ever been on my old path.

Am I willing to pay the hidden costs of succeeding on this path?

Yes.

Because the freedom, creativity, and impact this path allows me to have are worth the self-doubt, public scrutiny, and how all-consuming the work can be.

Knowing I’m willing to pay the hidden cost of success—the cost I’ll pay after achieving success—allows me to fully commit to this path with both eyes open because I know it’s the path I want to pursue.

Final Thoughts

Success isn’t a static, isolated state.

Success is an ever-evolving, multifaceted, complex interconnectedness of deep existential identity issues, interpersonal dynamics, and constantly reconsidering and renegotiating the balance between “enough” and “more.”

Which is why each of us has to decide what success we actually want to achieve.

• It doesn’t matter how long you’ve dedicated to a specific life or career path. You’re under no obligation to stay on it.
• It doesn’t matter how big your paycheck is if it costs your soul.
• It doesn’t matter if everyone around you criticizes your decision, if none of them have a life you’d gladly trade places with.

You—and only you—get to decide what success means to you, what success you actually want to achieve, and what success you want to avoid.

Because success has two costs—the price we pay to achieve it, and the price we pay after achieving it.

So be sure you actually want the successful version of whatever it is you’re pursuing.

Because you just might get it—and you don’t want buyer’s remorse.