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Young children hit, kick, and scream bloody murder, when they do not get something they badly want. When they have a tantrum, they are expressing their anger in a physical way. They do not have the language skills to tell you exactly what they feel or want.
In a recent study by the National Library of Medicine, it was discovered that tantrums occur in 87% of 2-year-olds, 91% of 3-year-olds and 59% of 4-year-olds,- and that it is common for toddlers to have a tantrum at least once per day.
This behavior actually begins at birth. A young baby awakens from a nap and is hungry. He shows his frustrations by crying, thrashing his arms and legs around, and turning red. To a young baby, it's life-and-death to be fed. As children grow, they transfer this urgency to anything they need or desire. In actuality, even older children still have tantrums from time to time. A seven-year-old may kick the couch when you tell him he cannot have a playdate with his best friend, and a teen may slam the door and shout ,”I hate you” when you refuse to let her get a nose ring.
It's only over time, with their parents' help, that children learn to control their impulses, and to express themselves using words. Here are some tips for managing your children when a tantrum erupts.
Intervene quickly. The longer a tantrum goes on, the more overwhelmed and entrenched in the tantrum your child will become. Keep in mind that a crying or screaming child is in trouble and needs your help. Your child is overwhelmed by strong emotions, feels helpless and alone, and can’t calm down. At these moments your children need you to give them support, and teach them coping skills.The old notion of letting your child cry it out, doesn’t really help your child to cope better as he grows.
Acknowledge your child’s wish. When your child begins to tantrum because you said no to a new toy, quickly acknowledge his wish. You might say, “ I can see that you really want that new fire truck.” Once you acknowledge your child’s wish, he feels his desire has been duly noted, you understand him, and he won’t feel as much of a need to protest.
Encourage your child to use words. Say gently to your child, “I can see you’re upset and I really want to help you. If you use words, I'll understand you better than if you scream.” If your young child is lying prostrate on the supermarket floor at this point, you might take his hand and suggest, “Come sit on my lap and we'll talk this over” and help him up.
Give your child an explanation. If you give your child a reasonable reason for your denial of his request, he will be more likely to accept it. For instance, you can say, “It’s time for dinner so you cannot have ice cream now. It will fill up your tummy and you won’t be able to eat your healthy dinner. You can have some ice cream at home for dessert.”
Optimism and control. One clever idea that is really helping parents today, is setting set up a wish list for your child on your phone. When you have to say no to something your child wants, you might tell your child, “Let's put the dollhouse on your wish list. Maybe we'll get you one for your birthday or the next holiday."
Can you prevent a tantrum? Here’s one way. You might avoid a tantrum by not immediately saying no the moment a child requests something. Instead, slow things down and buy some time. Say aloud, “Let’s see. You want to go on the merry-go-round again. Let me think about that.” This gives you an opportunity to think about the request, and about how to deny it, or divert his attention if necessary
It requires a mammoth parental effort to stay cool during a tantrum. A note of optimism: almost always, as your child grows and develops more language and self-control, the tantrums will diminish!
