The Many Faces of Emotional Abuse

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There are many faces of emotional abuse. Below are names for each face, which may help you identify these patterns in people you know, or even in yourself. You won’t recognize every face, but you should recognize at least one. That face may be one of a parent, sibling, extended family member, spouse, friend, or coach. You may come to see one of the faces as one that looks back at you in the mirror.

While recognizing emotional abuse can be difficult, it is an essential step to healing. Let’s look at 10 different faces of emotional abusers and uncover their traits.

1. The Commander-in-Chief

Emotional abuse often takes the form of allowing one person to control another, all the while denying that control is the ultimate objective. With a Commander-in-Chief, however, control is openly understood as the objective.

The Commander-in-Chief does not attempt to hide the need for control. Phrases like these are heard often: “I said it and that settles it.” “There is no room for discussion.” Pronouncements are given, not reasons. When one person uses control to meet their own needs at the expense of another, that is emotionally abusive.

2. The Overbearing Opinion

The Overbearing Opinion has a way of sucking all the discussion out of a room, suffocating the opinions of others. The Overbearing Opinion does not view his or her opinion as an opinion; rather, he or she views that “opinion” as an incontrovertible fact.

The Overbearing Opinion seeks to quash discussion or disagreement in order to gain compliance, which is another word for control. This disregard for the opinions and feelings of others is emotionally abusive.

3. The Ventaholic

The Ventaholic has a pattern of heated, verbal rants. Once started, these rants don’t seem to diminish; they seem to gather steam. Innocuous incidents can set them off because that person is like a volcano, boiling inside with the ongoing pressures of life. When those pressures are triggered, out spews a caustic verbal tirade that's less about what’s just happened on the outside and more about what’s fighting to escape on the inside.

While many of us succumb to this kind of venting on rare occasions, anger becomes a default setting for that person, with the internal filter always pointed toward life as being unfair, unreasonable, or unjust. When enraged, the Ventaholic feels vindicated, powerful, invincible, and in control. Life has robbed them of whatever they feel they lack. They will angrily demand restitution from just about anyone, including those closest to them.

4. The Always Right

The Always Right can seem very similar to the Overbearing Opinion, but there is a distinction. While the Overbearing Opinion makes comments about everything, the Always Right waits and bides their time. They are selective, searching for opportunities to not only prove they are right but also that the other person is wrong.

Living with someone who is Always Right can be extraordinarily frustrating. If there’s a difference of opinion and you’re proven right, then the Always Right will shrug that situation off, as if it’s not really that important. However, if you’re proven wrong, you hear about it early and often.

Because of the difficulty of dealing with someone who is Always Right, you may disregard your own decisions and just go with what the other person wants to do. When that happens, the other person gains control of the relationship and is able to perpetuate their emotional abuse.

5. The Intimidator

An Intimidator asserts control through issuing threats. Sometimes those threats are issued at the top of their lungs and other times they are conveyed through a whisper. Whether upfront or veiled, the threat is understood.

Generally, there are two types of Intimidators. The first type is all wind but no substance. They issue dire proclamations of what they are going to do but never seem to get around to doing it. The other type of Intimidator is one who means every word they say and backs it up with action. These are the type of people that others fear—at home, at school, or in the workplace.

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6. The Silent Treatment

The Silent Treatment comes with variations. Sometimes, the person refuses to speak to the other person. Other times, the person refuses to allow the other person to speak. Conversation is held captive. The person who engages in the silent treatment may physically withdraw from the other person or remain in proximity but hold him- or herself aloof and unapproachable. The message, however, is clear in all these forms—I refuse to interact with you because you are not worthy.

7. The Historian

Historians are a repository of every bad thing they think you’ve ever said or done, real or imagined. The details of your failure are categorized and logged, ready to be brought up as evidence against you. Putting the past behind you is not an option for a Historian. The Historian always keeps your faults front and center to deflect attention away from their own faults.

8. The Guilt Shifter

For Guilt Shifters, the most important person is the one to whom they can shift blame. Without that person, Guilt Shifters would become responsible for their own decisions and failures. Such a burden is viewed as too great, so another, more vulnerable person is chosen to bear the guilt.

As they watch the other person strangle on all that guilt, they can feel a perverted sense of satisfaction. After all, they think, you’re responsible for their pain, so why shouldn’t you feel the pain yourself? If you are responsible for their pain, then they should have the right to tell you what and how much you need to do to make up for it.

9. The Illusionist

Illusionists are usually very good with words. They are good with their own words: defining, defending, excusing, explaining. They are good with the words of others: bending them, shaping them, twisting them around. After going three rounds with an Illusionist, you’re not sure which end is up.

If you are in a relationship with an Illusionist, you start to doubt your judgment, which is the point. Once you doubt your own judgment, the Illusionist is in a better position to force you to adopt his or hers.

10. The Judge and Jury

There is an incongruous instability to a Judge and Jury because often, the person doesn’t just administer the law, they change it. What was perfectly acceptable on a Wednesday might not be on that Friday.

A Judge and Jury abuser is only concerned with the outcome of the decision, which is what they want to happen at any given time. The only consistency is their inconsistency. This inconsistency prevents another person from having the stability and surety of a healthy relationship. A person who lives under this system never knows from day to day what to anticipate, except disappointment.

If you or a loved one is suffering from emotional abuse, there is help for both the abuser and the abused. A professional treatment program can be very effective in changing abusive patterns.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.