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Recently, Jenny McCarthy asked me on her Sirius/XM radio show what her listeners should do about painful sex. She asked the question because my books talk about paths to replacing pain with pleasure to help restore the joy in a relationship.
When you associate pain with intimacy, your connection with your partner is damaged.
One critical solution Jenny and I talked about is products—some in the pantry, some from pharmacists, and some available in stores and online—that deliver pleasurable lubrication. They help you enjoy a healthy connection with your partner by making sure that you don’t wince, bleed, or just feel an annoying chaffing while you are having sex. Any woman who has gone through cancer treatments or has entered menopause needs to pay attention to an increased need for lubrication.
After that radio show, I did a presentation to a small group of women, and the surprise to me was that these savvy, sophisticated women—17 academic degrees among the 12 women present—didn’t have a beneficial understanding of the differences among water-based, silicone-based, and “natural” lubricants. One of my takeaways from this is that the brain contributes mightily to your sexual pleasure—in many ways—so keep it tuned into practical solutions to your sexual challenges. This is the 21st century; women have reliable ways to achieve pleasure and avoid pain.
Here is an overview of options on lubricants, but I am obligated to include a disclaimer: I have written books with doctors, but I am not a physician. If you have painful intercourse, you must be forthcoming with your physician about it.
From the pantry
Trying coconut, olive, or nut oil can be a fun experiment, but if you’re a frequent lube user, just put the oil away and get something water-based, silicone-based, or a manufactured oil-based lube.
If you are prone to yeast infections, then even organic extra virgin coconut oil is an undesirable option for lubrication. Coconut oil has the potential to upset the pH balance in the vaginal space, and the result could be a yeast infection.
If that’s not a problem for you, you still need to be sure the oil is certified organic oil. Residues of pesticides used to ward off pests and weeds have been shown to contaminate the oil produced from the affected plants.
And then there’s the allergy factor when it comes to pantry oils. Oils can be processed from sources that cause an allergic reaction for some people, such as nuts. You may not be allergic to them, but unless the oil is classified as “highly refined,” a partner with a nut allergy could have a bad reaction. (You could wear an FDA warning label, of course.)
Final notes: Oils can clog your pores and lead to infection. Add to that the fact that oils can become rancid, and you have plenty of reasons to avoid the products in your pantry.
From the store, off-the-shelf
Water-based lubes can be great anytime, but make sure you have enough for the entire playdate. Water-based lubes are designed to be compatible with the skin, but because of that, there will be some absorption, so plan on reapplying it.
Some water-based lubes can become sticky, by the way. Read labels to see if the manufacturer makes the claim “never sticky” or “does not leave a sticky residue.”
Silicone-based lubes provide great, long-term comfort. They are also hypoallergenic, so they’re a good bet for someone with known allergies or possible allergies. I recommend them in all cases, except when using silicone toys. Some of these toys are quite expensive because they simulate the feeling of skin, and they will be damaged by these lubes.
Keep in mind that silicone-based lubes would work in the shower, but they can present a safety hazard. This liquid is slippery!
You might try oil-based lubes (not from the pantry) if you find you’re reapplying the water-based lube really often. It’s important to keep in mind, though, that they shouldn’t be used with condoms, because they break down latex, and they do not re-hydrate tissues.
A final note on products from the store: If you don’t want to spend a lot of money, go with water-based products.
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Your heart and mind might find great pleasure in your most intimate relationship. When your body can enjoy the same level of satisfaction, you have a chance to forge an even healthier connection with your partner.
