Are You Dating the Same Person Over and Over Again?

Have you noticed that you tend to attract or be attracted to a certain type of person, and regardless of your efforts to improve your relationships? Do you notice that you end up having the same feelings in relationships, and even friendships, when they end? Well, there is a reason why.

We learn about relationships from the moment we are born. The infant-caretaker bond can set the stage for future attachments with others. Does the infant feel loved, safe, and attended to? These good feelings become internalized as feeling secure. This learning continues as a toddler and through early childhood. If the child feels safe enough, he or she will explore the world and exercise autonomy. If afraid, he or she can return to the caretaker as the safe haven for a dose of love and safety. There are four main factors to healthy security: feeling loved, safe, free to explore, and have a sense of healthy boundaries.

This is the ideal situation, and it assumes the caretaker is also secure. Unfortunately, far too often, caretakers are adults who have their own unmet needs, are preoccupied, stressed, have poor boundaries, and at worse, are abusive. The child must navigate how to meet their own needs. They may learn to attend to their caretaker or disengage and withdraw. Children internalize their experience and believe that what happens to them must be about them. “I must not be good enough” or “I must be to blame for how others treat me.” This could lead to an insecure attachment.

Attachment can also change over time through adulthood in a good or poor way. A traumatic interpersonal event, such as sexual assault, can disrupt a secure attachment or reinforce an insecure attachment. So regardless of childhood, a traumatic event can make someone feel insecure. This may include feeling unsafe, unable to trust others, blaming oneself, and feeling alone. Some may opt to avoid relationships completely, while others seek relationships in the hope of healing.

Take a look at the patterns in your relationships. What traits are you attracted to? What traits do you strongly dislike? How do you feel at the end of your relationships? Do you notice any themes? Then, ask yourself, is this pattern similar to how I felt in childhood? Or is it similar to what I observed in my parent's relationship?

For example, Mary has a pattern of seeking relationships with confident, successful, and athletic men. However, they tend to turn out to be bossy, dominant, and selfish. She tries to please them and make them happy, but ends up feeling used and ignored. Mary has a pattern of emotional neglect in her relationships.

When she looks back at her childhood, she can see that she grew up with inattentive parents. Her parents were young when she was born and preoccupied with their careers. Mary spent a lot of time alone or with babysitters. She admired her parents for being successful but inside she felt lonely.

Understanding your patterns can be a helpful first step in changing the pattern. How you feel in your adult relationships may have origins from your childhood. Even with attempts to improve your relationships, if you are not aware of what is driving your unmet needs, you may be destined to repeat the same dynamics with other people.

So yes, it is true, you are dating the same person in a different body, repeating the same dynamics. On a positive note, this can be an opportunity for self-reflection. What is it that you are seeking in others, what is it that may need healing inside yourself? Are you craving love, safety, trust, forgiveness, or self-compassion?

The good news is that you can change these patterns and improve your relationships.

Action Step: Imagine your ideal relationship. What would that look like? How would you resolve disagreements? How would you be your best self in this relationship? This could be something to explore through journaling.