How to Make Values Your Compass in Life, Not Fear

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Part 4 of the Anxiety Jedi Series.

What would you do if I waved a magic wand and took away your anxiety?

Try to really imagine this experience in your mind and body. A sublime pause where there is nothing to do, fix, escape, or control. Just a feeling of deep calm and spaciousness. Room for inspiration to open up. What actions would you take? How would you engage in your relationships? What course would you set for your future?

When I asked my client Malaika¹ these questions, she stared back at me blankly. At 28, she had spent much of her life struggling to manage social anxiety. She had a demanding job at a financial company but avoided the spotlight. She had a housemate and friends from high school, but she worried they found her “boring” and kept her distance. Life felt arduous and lonely. Understandably, Malaika’s goal for therapy was to get relief from her anxiety. Only then might she dream of something more for her life.

This is why the “magic wand” exercise can be powerful. Imagining what we would do without the strictures of anxiety shifts our natural focus from reducing distress, and toward what we care about. For Malaika, this was eye-opening. Taking meaningful action was possible right now (no actual wand required).

Paradigm Shift: From Threat to Values

Like Malaika, most people come to therapy because they are struggling. They have been working hard to avoid harm and to reduce anxiety and other uncomfortable feelings. The implicit assumption: Get rid of the bad, and the good will flourish.

Here is the first problem: anxiety is not optional. It is an adaptive system designed to signal potential threats, both real and imagined (see Part I and Part II). As long as we care about our relationships and well-being, there will always be possible threats to these on the horizon, setting off our anxiety alarm.

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The second problem is trying to avoid anxiety keeps us stuck (Part III). Safety behaviors interfere with learning from direct experience that we over-predict negative outcomes—and even when things do go awry—that we can handle it.

What is optional is how we respond to anxiety. The Anxiety Jedi Series is about giving you the skills to build a healthy relationship with anxiety and other painful feelings so you can step off the threat-avoidance hamster wheel and reorient toward your values. In that precious pause, you have the space to find your inner compass: the direction you want to head in your life, the qualities you long to bring to life and express in the world.

Research shows that acting from one’s values boosts well-being and a sense of purpose.

A Trip to the Beach Together

For Malaika, the magic wand questions revealed her longing to cultivate close relationships—people she could experience life with. She often went to nearby Ocean Beach with her dog Rocky, but her fantasy was to do this with a friend. What stopped her was the fear that she would get anxious and have nothing to say. As a first step, I suggested we go together (I sometimes do exposures and experiments out in the world with clients.). Malaika turned red, imagining the awkwardness. But with a gentle nudge, she agreed.

On that dusky grey winter afternoon, we walked across the soft sand, both of us feeling a little shy. We plunked down where we could watch the waves roll in. Soon we were marveling at the surfers, their black forms cruising across the blue, then tumbling into the water. I turned to look at Malaika, and she met my gaze, smiling.

Defining Values

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“Values” are defined in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) as the qualities within ourselves that we want to express in our behavior, such as being curious, brave, loving, fair, dedicated, artistic, and playful. They can guide what we do (calling a friend who needs support) and how we do it (with kindness and empathy). Values resonate in the heart and are freely chosen. At any moment we have the capacity to bring openness to a difficult conversation or creativity to making dinner. Values are not about how the other person responds or whether the dinner turns out tasty (that is, outcomes). When we act from our values, we often feel alive, in flow, and aligned internally. Even when difficult feelings are present, acting from our values feels right.

Putting values into action often requires courage and trust because there is always uncertainty about how things will go. When we ask someone out, we may be rejected. When we try a new sport, we will likely stumble. When we build something new, it may fall apart. There is no way to engage in life without having painful experiences; they can help us learn, grow, and build resiliency.

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Malaika’s trip to the beach with me is a good example. She did feel anxious at times, but she didn’t need to get rid of this part of her experience to co-create moments that were also full of connection and beauty. Later, Malaika invited her housemate to go to the beach—taking an even bigger risk in the service of building a friendship.

Clarifying Your Values

What matters most to you? Clarifying what values deeply resonate with us—not as a “should” but as a “yes”—requires some exploration.

Consider the magic wand questions at the start, or write down your answers to these prompts:

1. If you were willing to let your anxiety be present (and not stop you), what would you most love to do?
2. What qualities do you tap into when you feel your best self: engaged, in flow, and deeply connected with others?
3. At the end of your life, looking back, How do you wish you had spent your time?

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Another powerful way to identify your values is to look inside what you fear or find painful. Where there is loneliness, there is a desire for connection. Where there is grief, there is the loss of what is precious. Where there is anger, there is something vital to fight for. Affirm the pearl within the pain, and take steps to express it in your behavior.

Accessing Your Values in Difficult Moments

It’s easy to act from our best self when we feel good and safe. But under threat, our behavior becomes more narrow, rigid, controlling, and self-focused. Acting on your values does not come naturally in these difficult moments!

This is why self-compassion is so important. Our evolutionary wiring and personal history shape our powerful drive for self-protection first. When we find ourselves challenged, it can be incredibly hard to dip below our reflexive response and access our values.

The good news is that humans also have a fundamental drive toward exploring, creating meaning, and nurturing genuine relationships. With kind awareness, we can turn our attention toward our values to mobilize this deeper motivation. This is where our power lies. With practice, this can become second nature. Here’s how to show up, in all your messy glory.

Summary of the Anxiety Jedi Skills

1. Instead of avoiding your anxiety: Welcome the experience in the moment by mindfully allowing the sensations to flow through your body in waves (Part 1)
2. Instead of automatically believing the thoughts that accompany anxiety: Recognize your brain’s bias toward making threat predictions and generating false alarms; broaden your perspective and trust your capacity to cope (Part 2)
3. Instead of acting on your anxiety with unhelpful safety behaviors (Part 3): Pause. Open up a more mindfully aware, compassionate, flexible space so you can...
4. Access and act on your values instead. Mobilize the courage to do what matters most to you, and be willing to have the full spectrum of your experience.