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If I've heard it once, I've heard it 100 times. “My life is so boring,” a thirtysomething lawyer recently told me. “My life is nothing but working all day and watching TV at night,” a mildly depressed, 40-year-old housewife complained. “I've lost that zest for life I used to have,” a fiftysomething middle manager shared with me.
With these three people, as well as with all the others who've voiced similar concerns, I took out my mental microscope and checked for an underlying depression. Sometimes I find it, and sometimes I don't. When there, of course, I do my best to help the person fix it.
But, whether there or not, the time always comes with these people when I feel compelled to ask: “What are you going to do to bring more spice into your life?”
You'd think that would open the door to an eager effort to brainstorm a long list of pleasurable experiences followed by enthusiastic, determined actions to bring these pleasures into one's life. Some do, but you might be surprised how many people resist swinging into action. They harbor any number of negative reasons to block themselves from happiness, to wit:
• It won't make a difference, so why bother?
• I'll have to first feel better emotionally, then we'll see.
• I shouldn't have to work to be happy.
• I just have too much to do.
• What's the point? Life sucks anyway.
These few excuses scratch the surface. Those who voice these attitudes would be wise to realize and embrace the following points which, taken together, provide the best reasons I know for every one of us to build pleasure into our daily lives.
1. This is the one and only life we know for sure we will ever have. To waste it with laziness, lethargy, and lassitude is an unethical act. Why? Because we are bringing ill onto a fellow human being. In this case, it just happens to be our self.
2. Being happy is what life is all about. Aristotle said it. The great American psychologist Albert Ellis said it. His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, said it. Happiness is the purpose of life. To act and to build pleasure into our lives enhances our happiness. To fail to act can easily block our chances for happiness, thereby thwarting that innate purpose of life we all share. How sad.
3. You have a right to experience pleasure and happiness in your life. You are a human being who, despite having faults and having erred, is equal to everybody else in the universe. There is no psychological, philosophical, or spiritual reason whatsoever whereby you should be denied the birthright we all share—pleasure and happiness.
4. It's your responsibility to bring happiness into your own life, as no one is put on this earth to pleasure you. Alcoholics Anonymous says it best: “If it's going to be, it's up to me.” You want to step up to the plate and accept that responsibility and do whatever it takes within the boundaries of ethics, morals, the law, and good old common sense.
5. The bottom line is that the Happiness Fairy will not come knocking on your door to deliver happiness to you. You must act, then act again, and then act some more to populate your life with the daily pleasures you want and deserve.
Live it
You would be unwise to wait passively for happiness to come visit you. The world simply doesn't work that way. So, to be happy, you must seek out, grab hold of, and embrace pleasure each and every day.
What follows is a five-step plan to give pleasure to yourself daily, starting from the inside and moving outward.
1. Eliminate Emotional Contamination. If you are suffering from any debilitating emotional problem—persistent anxiety, depression, guilt, or anger—do something to rid yourself of them. I suggest you consult with a competent cognitive-behavior therapist who can help you rid yourself of this contamination, thereby freeing you to avail yourself of the opportunities for pleasure and happiness in your life.
2. Get The Right Attitude. Reread, digest, and adopt the five points I discussed above. They can serve as the five foundational pillars to use to stimulate you to act to make pleasure and happiness a daily guest in your house.
3. Brainstorm Pleasurable Experiences. Either alone or with a trusted friend, brainstorm as many pleasurable activities you can that will build pleasure into your daily life. I'm not thinking of biggies like a week in the Caribbean or attending your favorite artists next concert, although I encourage you to go for these larger pleasures whenever you can. What I'm thinking about are little pleasures available to you every day. They might include a bubble bath, lunch with your best friend, a phone call to a loved one, going window shopping, enjoying a TV movie, an hour of pleasurable reading, a nap, a walk in the woods, luxuriating in the hot tub, a massage, and so on and so forth. Go ahead right now: think of what has and does pleasure you. Make that list.
4. Get A Support System. Remember, even the Lone Ranger had Tonto. Ask at least one person whom you trust to support you in doing in at least one pleasurable item from your list each day. Ask this person to remind you, encourage you, or even badger you to swing into action. Even better, invite this person to share some of these pleasurable activities with you.
5. Act, Act, Act. You will experience no pleasure unless you act. Imagine your house getting painted simply by you thinking about painting it, planning on painting it, or talking about painting it. The only way to get it painted is to paint it. So, engage in these pleasurable activities; one a day keeps the doctor away.
Going Forward
A cornerstone of happiness in life has to do with experiencing pleasure on a daily basis. The rub is, though, that these experiences of pleasures do not show up unannounced or come in the mail as a gift from someone. You must make them happen for them to be there. I encourage you to do just that.
I want to let you know that it is an honor to serve you with my blog series, Happiness On Purpose. I truly hope these blogs are helpful to you in experiencing the happiness in life you want and deserve. So, dear reader, please strive to live each day with passion and purpose.
Russell Grieger, Ph.D. is the author of several self-help books, all designed to empower people to create a life they love to live. These include: Unrelenting Drive; The Couples Therapy Companion: A Cognitive Behavior Workbook (Routledge, April, 2015); and The Happiness Handbook (in preparation). You may contact Dr. Grieger for questions or for more information at grieger@cstone.net.
