How to Talk So Teenagers Will Actually Listen

Source: ebrahim / Pixabay

“Get. Out. Of. Bed.”

I am standing in the room of my 9-year-old son, who has inexplicably decided he isn’t going to school this morning. It’s enough to make his Type-A mother about to go crazy, but perhaps more importantly, it has forced me to confront the reality that it is almost impossible to make someone do something.

Usually making someone do something involves extreme measures. The boss who tells you that you won’t get that promotion you’ve been working toward unless you do X; the person who tells you they will reveal a secret unless you do something for them.

But consider those examples: You probably had an adverse reaction to reading them, and viewed those situations negatively—and viewed the people who were trying to exert their will negatively. They seem unlikable. Now think about how often we do this as parents.

So how do you get someone to change their behavior? It turns out this is a problem that clinicians face routinely in their clinical work, and there is a scientifically based approach to help people change. It’s called Motivational Interviewing (or MI for short), and it originated in the addiction field.

Individuals who suffer from substance use show a disproportionate motivation toward immediate reward and a detriment to taking into account long-term consequences, very similar to what we see normatively in adolescents and emerging adults. So the good news for parents is that there is an entire field that has already had to find a way to deal with the very challenges you are navigating.

The developers of MI say that if they’d called it anything else they would have called it Motivational Conversations (MC). Motivational Interviewing works better for the clinical context in which it usually is used, researched, and discussed. But I think MC is a better way of framing it in the context of a communication strategy for parents.

The unfortunate reality is that many conversations in which one person is trying to help another change are dysfunctional, even if they are well-meaning. This can be true in the clinical world, and it’s certainly true in the parenting world.

MI is a skill—it’s about how to shape conversations such that the other person talks him or herself into change. Rather than trying to convince someone with the facts (which is good at raising awareness of facts, and poor at actually changing behavior), MI is a collaborative process. For most parents, that’s the relationship they want with their emerging adult children

To get a better idea of why MI works, I want you to imagine something you want to change in your life. Now imagine that a friend tells you all the reasons you should do it, why any other decision is a bad idea, and then walks you through all the steps you need to follow to achieve the desired change.

The very idea of it is annoying and angering. It certainly doesn’t make me more likely to want to do it, and at worst, it might make me less likely to want to do it.

Now imagine that instead of that person telling you what you should do, all the reasons you should do it and how to do it, imagine they instead ask you a series of questions:

• Why do you want to change?
• Why is it important to you?
• How might you go about making this change?

They reflect on the reasons for wanting to make a change and how to go about it, then a final question: “So what do you think you’re going to do?”

This usually makes people feel empowered, heard and understood. Wouldn’t you rather deal with a teenager who feels empowered, supported, and heard than one who is angry and defensive? Better yet, it’s the same child—it’s just the nature of the interaction that can produce “different people.”

Parenting Essential Reads

Why Is It So Hard for Parents to Apologize to Their Kids?

Why Talking To Your Child Matters, and 5 Ways to Do It

Here are key things you need to know about MI and its principles:

1. Ambivalence: MI recognizes that ambivalence, or the wavering between reasons to change and reasons not to change, is at the core of the approach. This ambivalence is often seen in various aspects of life, including important decisions made during emerging adulthood.
2. Change Talk and Sustain Talk: Ambivalent Individuals often engage in "change talk" (reasons for change) and "sustain talk" (reasons against change). These can be intertwined and are part of the natural deliberation process.
3. Counterarguments: When engaging with someone who is ambivalent, attempting to persuade them toward one direction often leads to counterarguments. This is a natural response and not necessarily defiance.
4. Unintended Consequences: Encouraging someone to vocalize the opposing perspective can inadvertently increase the likelihood that they will choose that course of action. It's important to guide them toward expressing the path you hope they will pursue.
5. MI as a Partnership: MI is not a manipulative technique but a partnership between two people seeking to help the individual find their path. Parents should avoid viewing themselves as experts and instead respect their child's autonomy.
6. Respect and Compassion: MI emphasizes accepting the individual for who they are and respecting their uniqueness. Parents should prioritize their child's needs over their own and offer compassion and support.
7. Evocation: The goal of MI is to evoke the answers and motivations that already exist within the individual rather than imposing knowledge or solutions.

MI acknowledges the natural process of ambivalence and seeks to empower individuals to make positive changes in their lives by drawing out their motivations and solutions.

It is not about manipulation but about collaboration and respect for the individual's autonomy. Parents can use MI to help their children figure out how to make good decisions and find their path (without resorting to lecturing).

Here are step-by-step instructions on talking to your adolescent using MI.