Avoid This Common Boundary-Setting Mistake

When it comes to feeling respected and valued in your relationships, do you know when to make requests and when to set boundaries? Or do you spin your wheels making complaints or issuing demands instead? When it's time to set a boundary, do you send others mixed signals instead of clear messages? Are your efforts to communicate what you need packed with awkward moments or kind connections?

“We often confuse setting boundaries with making requests, demands, or complaints,” explained Juliane Taylor Shore, a therapist, teacher, and author of Setting Boundaries That Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered. “Each of the latter focuses on what someone else does, whereas setting a boundary is about what you do.”

For example, Juliane explained that

• Complaints: A complaint allows you to make it clear that you don’t like something that is happening in your relationship, without risking the vulnerability of requesting what you want to have happen instead (e.g., “It’s not fair that you …”).

• Demands: A demand insists on “yes” for an answer. It is grounded in the assumption that you can control another person’s behavior. And, while you can try to manipulate, threaten, or coerce people into complying with your demands, this is not how healthy, respectful relationships are built (e.g., “I will leave if you don’t …”).

• Requests: Before you set a boundary, it can be a good idea to start with a clear request. A request of others is not selfish or mean. It is a respectful way to ask for what you need, whilst giving others the freedom to choose what feels right for them (e.g., “It would help me if you could …”).

• A boundary: A boundary is focused on what you will do to keep yourself protected and connected with others. To honor your boundaries, you aren’t relying on anyone else to act a certain way or respect your limits. It is something you and you alone are in charge of. When you set a boundary for yourself, you’re being clear about what is OK for you and what is not OK for you, and letting yourself and others know what you will do in response to those things that are not OK (e.g., “It is OK for you to disagree with me. It is not OK for you to yell at me about it. When that happens, I’m going to leave the room for 15 minutes and then come back so we can try again because I do want to hear what is important to you.”).

“Making requests and setting boundaries can help you to feel more protected and trust yourself,” explained Juliane. “This supports more integrated brain functioning, which helps you to better connect, bond, and care for yourself and others. This is why doing your boundary work is an act of kindness and love. Setting boundaries is a hard thing for your brain to do; your brain is designed to avoid immediate pain—like someone being upset with you for setting a boundary they don’t like—which means you need really good reasons to risk asking for what you need.”

To help your brain confidently set boundaries that stick, Juliane recommends taking the following six steps:

1. Find your big why: Identify the deepest reasons why you need a boundary and what it will change for the better to make it worth the risk. What are the benefits to be gained by setting your boundary? What are the costs of not asking for what you need? Can you roll the tape forward and see how these options play out?
2. Define your boundary: Boundaries focus on what you will do to help your brain feel safe so you can remain open, curious, and caring with others. What is OK for you in this situation? What is not OK for you in this situation? How will you respond if the not-OK things happen?
3. Anticipate others' responses: Accept that other people may have all sorts of feelings about your boundary and that it is not your job to change or control their responses. Is there a visual mental image that can help you create a safe space to listen with acceptance about how others feel about your boundary (e.g., a Jello wall or a butterfly net)? Can you use this image to help you discern what is true or not true, about you or not about you, about their response?
4. Anticipate your reactions: Consider how you’d like to intentionally align your words and actions if someone finds your boundary hard to hear or accept. Is there a personal integrity word that can remind you who you want to be (e.g., courage)? Is there a relational integrity word that can remind you of how you want to connect with others (e.g., kindness)?
5. Create a self-soothing plan: If setting, communicating, or honoring your boundaries feels overwhelming, help yourself pause and reach for self-compassion. Is there a reassuring movement you can do (e.g., hand on heart) to help you remember that you’re a good person facing a hard situation like all people have to?
6. Say it and follow through: Don’t apologize or overexplain your boundaries to others. When required, just ask for what you need and take responsibility for following through. What’s a short, kind, and clear way to share with others what is OK, what isn’t OK, and what you will do if the not-OK thing happens in the future?

“What’s important to note is that nearly all of this boundary-setting happens behind the scenes,” explained Juliane. “This frees your brain to be fully present and more neurologically integrated when communicating and following through on the boundaries you need.

A version of this post also appears on Substack. For more tips and tools on how to set healthy boundaries, visit The Good Girl Game Changers or take our free mindset survey to see how your beliefs and behaviours are impacting your daily life.