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It’s eventually going to happen. Though we’ve been riding this happiness train in psychology for a long time now, at some point the pendulum is going to swing: Miserable will become the new happy, old-school brooding and angst are going to become all the rage. If you want to get ahead of the curve, the psychological equivalent of being fashion-forward, here are some of the essential areas you'll want to focus on and practice:
1. Have high expectations; be perfectionistic.
I know, this is very American, very patriotic, but trying to be the best you can be all the time will actually make you the worst you can be. This is strong stuff and a great starting point. Forget about sorting out what’s important, what’s not. Just make everything important and expect perfection.
Why this works so well is because . . . you can’t do it. Through no fault of your own — time, the demands of others, etc. — you’ll find that you’re just not wired to do everything perfectly. This will leave you anxious and depressed, setting a good foundation.
2. Be self-critical.
Want to take it to the next level? There’s nothing like self-criticism to help you feel lousy. That scolding voice always wagging its finger at you over the slightest thing (like not being perfect). Your critical mom or dad, or that bully from middle school, get to stay perpetually alive inside your brain. Don’t worry: You’ll never please them. They’re not going anywhere.
3. Try to please everyone.
This one will wear you out, but the outcome is worth it. Pleasing everyone probably was a snap when you were a kid, and your world consisted of your parents, your 3rd-grade teacher, a couple of friends. But as an adult, this gets tough — so many people, so little time. The key here is to absolutely avoid confrontation at any cost. Practice saying yes to everything, smiling a lot, saying, “That’s fine.” Ninja-level stuff.
The payoff here is that, like perfectionism, you’ll fall flat on your face. You’ll also worry all the time about how everyone in the world is feeling about you, which will keep you awake at night for . . . forever. And if you’ve honed that critical voice, you can beat up on yourself and feel guilty all the time. What’s not to like?
4. Hold things in.
Holding in your anger and frustration is, of course, essential if you are going to master the art of pleasing everyone, but like self-criticism, you can take this to the next level. Here you just shut down, don’t let anyone know how you really feel and think. Be mysterious.
What you get from this is a great buildup of emotion. You earn a periodic explosion that will make other folks see you as even more complex and mysterious (and scary). Or you can go the route of self-medication, and become drug or alcohol-addicted to calm the anxiety and depression that is constantly building up.
5. Trust no one.
Holding things in and trusting no one seem to go hand-in-hand. But the next level of an overall untrusting stance brings added rewards: One is that you will be lonely, great for fostering depression and anxiety. The other is that with practice, you will develop an overall paranoid view of the world, where everyone is out to get you, keeping you always hyper-alert and anxious, always an unbeatable, miserable combo.
6. Keep score.
Trusting no one is fine as an overall plan, but for individual relationships, you need to drill down. Here's where keeping score is a powerful tool. To do this right (here your perfectionism is a real asset), you need to keep a clear record of tit-for-tat. Spreadsheets come in handy with this, or a pocket notebook to write down injustices, lack of appreciation, clear "not fair" imbalances in a relationship. When you combine these injustices with holding things in, great miserable things are bound to happen.
7. Live in the past or future.
I know this one is a bit woo-woo and existential, but important nonetheless. This is about training your mind to avoid the present and instead choose past or future. The past can provide tons of opportunities for guilt and regret, especially if you hone a laser-focus on them; the future, with a solid practice of thinking worst-case scenarios, can keep you chronically anxious. Win-win either way. The trick is staying out that happy, horrible middle of the present. Tough, but you can do it.
That’s it. Seven basic tools to give you the miserable life you’re striving for. Like any art-form or athletic challenge, these take dedication and practice, a steady eye on the prize.
Are you ready to step-up and make miserable your new happy?
