8 Three-Word Encouragers for When You Feel Lonely

Learning to be with oneself might begin by cueing different pathways.

Source: Juli Vasylega BO/Deposit Photos

You're feeling stuck in a pattern.

You don't know how to get out of your loneliness. It seems you go straight home, even though you keep promising to get involved. But you're realizing that by the time you're home, when you think about connecting, you just want to withdraw, to hide, even to crawl into bed.

You're contemplating the question, "How can this stop?"

Sometimes, we need a quick and easy phrase to help us to shift out of our patterns.

Behavioral psychologists often use cues to help people move toward a new perspective and adopt a new pattern.

While the phrases aren't going to do all of the heavy lifting, they can help you pivot. (I laid out some of the reasoning behind using these phrases in an earlier post.)

Here are eight more easy encouragers to help you shift out of your loneliness. Pick one, memorize it, and repeat it to yourself whenever you need to interrupt your negative thinking:

1. Just One Minute

Sometimes even taking a small step can feel too big. How can you make it even smaller?

If you limit the time involved, this can reduce it and make it feel more manageable.

For example, pick a one-minute action step that will bring you closer to your goal. Some examples could include: picking out an outfit to wear to a club meeting, finding out what time a social meeting is held, inviting a friend to join you in an activity, or searching for a new club to join.

2. WOOP It In

Consistently reminding yourself to use a visualization tool like the Wish Obstacle Outcome Plan tool, also known as WOOP, can help you learn to cue new behavioral pathways in your brain.

Developed by Gabriele Oettingen of New York University, this well-researched visualization tool helps you identify what you're wishing to create. As you tune in for five minutes, you will examine how it would feel to complete your next step, and an if-then plan to overcome your obstacles.

3. It's Only Temporary

Positive psychology has taught that optimists differ from pessimists because they tune in to the temporary nature of adversity.

Remember that your current challenges are only temporary. As you take helpful steps, you will start to see changes. You’re already taking steps to help yourself by reading this post, for example.

4. I'm Only Human

As members of the animal kingdom, humans have a biological drive toward connection, so much so that there are seven different types of loneliness, according to Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project.

It’s natural to want social belonging and to feel emotional pain when we don’t have as much as we’d like. According to Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion, it’s also helpful in developing self-compassion to acknowledge your shared humanity.

Loneliness is a part of being human.

5. I'm Good Company

Do you like your own company? If not, why not?

Consider that as you enrich your experience of your life, you’re likely to gain newfound self-respect, liking yourself more.

Perhaps this empty space in your calendar can provide opportunities to learn new social skills, develop your interests, and contribute to the lives of others.

6. I Can Serve

You may have heard the saying, “You get what you give.”

Turning your time toward service can help erase loneliness. For example, volunteering might be an easy way to help others, and also help yourself reduce loneliness. As you volunteer, you might meet others who also care passionately about the cause you’ve adopted.

Loneliness Essential Reads

The Particular Loneliness of Losing a Spouse

How to Deal With Loneliness When You're Single

7. Feelings Are Signals

Painful feelings serve as signals that you’re believing something that is probably untrue.

Some examples of ideas that cause painful feelings are:

• Always and never ideas such as “I never have anyone to hang out with,” or “I’m always on my own." Instead, try revising such thoughts: “Today I don’t have anyone to hang out with, but there have been times when I have had friends.”
• I-can’t-stand-it ideas such as, “I can’t stand this loneliness I’m feeling.” Instead, try revising this to say, “It is difficult, but I have tolerated hard feelings and can use this time to improve my lot.”
• Musts and shoulds such as “I must not feel lonely,” or, “I shouldn’t be alone.” Try revising this to say, “I prefer to feel connected and be with others, but that isn’t always possible.”

8. Change Is Constant

Heraclitus said, “Change is the only constant.”

Just like waves in the ocean ebb and tide, your life experience is dynamic. You never know what is around the corner. Whatever is happening now can and will change.

Remember that the most important three words are: Don’t give up. Persistence will help you get through this challenging time with greater wisdom and clarity.

Refer back to a time when your situation changed. It can happen for you again.