Can You Help a Narcissist Become Less Self-Absorbed?

This post is the third part of a three-part series on self-absorption. The previous entries were "Self-Absorption: The Root of All (Psychological) Evil?" and "Too Self-Absorbed? These Tips Can Free You From ...You."

How Treatable Are Narcissists?

The age-old problem with diagnosing mental disorders is that once you pin someone with a label, you tend to “fix” that person in time and space. Labels are typically both reductive and absolutist. And in this curious world of ours, just about everything human is relative—and changeable.

To make matters more complicated still, there are instances where a person’s psychopathology is irremediable—say, in a hard-core sociopath, or one with severe autism or organic brain damage. And to add yet another level of complexity, one problem that, say, almost all discussions on narcissism encounter is that—like virtually all mental and emotional disorders—there are degrees of this disturbance. Many individuals reveal narcissistic traits, while only a few of them embody a full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

In my own professional work with narcissistic individuals, though I experience all of them as challenging, I’ve found some far more treatable than others. Those who are way out on the narcissistic continuum I’ve found to be, well, intransigent—poor candidates for therapeutic change.

Generally, the narcissist—under threat of divorce—is led (or rather, dragged) into my office by their exasperated spouse. Because the so-incensed, or despairing, partner represents for these self-absorbed individuals a quite necessary “narcissistic supply” (i.e., on a daily basis, they’ve subordinated their needs to the narcissist’s ever-dominating ego), they’ll acquiesce to counseling. Then, almost immediately, they’ll proceed to sabotage it by doing everything in their power to convince me that actually it’s their partner who’s the problem and needs to change. And here it might be added that one primary characteristic of the narcissist is that they project onto others whatever they can’t accept in themselves.

For those at the outermost pole of the narcissistic spectrum, the most humane thing I can expect to accomplish is facilitating a reasonably peaceful separation between the two parties. Initially, though, I’ll try to do everything I can to see whether I might somehow help develop the narcissist’s empathy and compassion (vs. their egoistic self-absorption). That way, I can ascertain their potential to refocus their attention on the wants and needs of another—while de-focusing on their own.

Can they, in time, learn to derive satisfaction from being of service to others? Or must anything resembling altruistic, giving behavior remain forever beyond their interest—or capability. Up to this point, their so-frustrated partner has contributed to their life at the expense of their own. So can I somehow help the narcissist “evolve” a better balance between their getting—and giving back?

This post takes a fairly optimistic stance toward helping some (maybe even the majority) of people with narcissistic traits. It’s a matter of approaching them in a way that, by lowering their resistance to change, assists them in learning how to be kinder, more attentive, and considerate of others—and ironically, in the process also become more caring and authentically loving toward themselves.

At the same time, however, the suggestions I’ll be making are unlikely to effect much change in those with a narcissistic personality disorder so pronounced that their thinking and behavior is almost entirely governed by defenses truly Herculean. Governed to the point that their elaborate defense system might be seen as constituting the very core of their personality. So until such time as biotechnology comes up with a way of effecting a personality transplant in such individuals (and we’re probably nowhere close to this!), their extreme character rigidity is such that anyone intimately involved with them would do well to run as fast, and as far away, from them as feasible.

In General—Because Its Origins Can Be So Complex—What Makes an Unhealthy Narcissist?

The problematic self-absorption, or self-centeredness, of narcissists, is mostly a defense against deep fears of intimacy. And sadly, most narcissists have good reason to be wary of such closeness, for typically their experiences in growing up were characterized by parental abuse or neglect. Having suffered so much emotional hurt from those they most depended on, they vowed (however unconsciously) to never subject themselves to such psychological pain again.

So though—secret even to themselves—they still yearn for the secure, intimate, loving connection they never had with their parents, absent any genuine trust in others, they set up their later relationships in ways that seal them off from this closeness. Their likely substitute pursuits involve power, admiration, prestige, and wealth—all so they can show the world that they are lovable, as well as compensate themselves for the love missing in their life.

The typically over-critical parents of most narcissists were seriously deficient in their ability to teach their children how, despite whatever limitations the child may have had, to truly—that is to say, unequivocally—love themselves. So these children, their self-image profoundly damaged, contrived to compensate for this deficit by cultivating an arrogant, grandiose self-absorption. And they diligently fabricated ways of keeping others from knowing who, deep down, they believed they really were (i.e., defective beings not good enough to be loved). After all, obsessed with self-doubt, and never able to trust their parents’ caring or devotion to them, they weren’t about to admit to others their monumentally serious—and never met—dependency needs.

However futile in the long run, most narcissists endeavor to heal their childhood wounds through achievement (or fostering the illusion of same) and self-aggrandizement. That’s how they try to render themselves immune to any relational vulnerability—which, of course, makes their ties to others shallow and ultimately unfulfilling. Their only satisfaction derives from the gratification they get from cultivating a sense of superiority over (rather than intimacy with) others. Any caring or concern for anyone outside themselves is dwarfed by their single-minded preoccupation with reassuring themselves of their “specialness”—particularly in the face of any perceived threat stemming from another’s criticism.

Here’s a pithy summary of why narcissists desperately require their extraordinarily elaborate defenses:

Ironically, narcissists, who seem to be caught in an inextricable web of self-absorption, may at times also struggle immensely with insecurity, anxiety, depression, violence, and self-loathing. (Jenny Dyer, PhD, “The Only Way to Heal a Narcissist,” storylineblog, 06/12/2015)

How You Can Help a Narcissist to Change (If They’re Open to It)

If, for your own relational welfare, you want to reduce the narcissist’s oppressive self-absorption, you need to look for—and adeptly encourage—the attitudes and behaviors directly opposed to it. For the narcissist’s altering such excessive “me-mindedness” (vs. a more “we-minded” orientation) will hinge on their capacity to considerately re-focus their attention on you—that is, interact with you in other than a self-interested, exploitative way.

In Rethinking Narcissism (New York: HarperCollins, 2015), fellow PT blogger Craig Malkin, PhD makes the point—based on his extensive review of the subject—that recent research findings indicate that one thing that can decrease the more offensive qualities of the narcissist is prompting them to be more caring and compassionate in how they regard, and relate to, others. But, admittedly, if such “personality softening” is to succeed, the narcissist will require a lot of support. And because their trust issues are so endemic and far-ranging, that support must be offered with exquisite tact. For anything resembling criticism or sounding patronizing can arouse their anger—even rage. (And here I should add that sometimes merely making a suggestion can be taken as criticism—and cause them to go ballistic.)

If you’re the narcissist’s partner, having suffered from years of emotional (and perhaps even physical) abuse, it can be exceedingly difficult to reach out to your perceived perpetrator with anything like loving concern. Deep inside, you may harbor tremendous hostility toward them and literally be burning with resentment for how they've treated you. Also, you might experience great trepidation and doubt just thinking about how they might react if you make new efforts to approach them supportively. But if, in a last-ditch effort to mend the relationship, you’re willing to risk it, here are some recommendations that Malkin makes. And they’re worth quoting:

[Empathy] prompting involves two components: voicing the importance of your relationship and revealing your own feelings [i.e., you’re going to have to stick your neck out and take the initiative].

Voicing the importance of your relationship generally involves making supportive statements, such as You matter so much to me or You’re important to me or I care about you a great deal. Declarations like these signal how special someone is to us. They’re the kind of reassurance many narcissists don’t even realize they miss. They nudge people toward thinking about the relationship, moving the focus from you and me to we. More importantly, they signal your willingness to offer secure love [exactly, that is, what they missed while growing up].

[And, as regards revealing your own feelings, Malkin advises]: If you can’t quite identify your softer feelings, try grabbing a piece of paper and jotting down some thoughts. . . . Remember, we never get angry or pull away unless we’re in pain. This step is all about describing that pain directly [without, I should add, outright blaming your partner—for here you need to be not aggressive but assertive]. If you’re still feeling angry or emotionally numb, keep digging. The deeper feelings are often ones of loneliness, worthlessness, or inadequacy.

Of course, there’s the all-important matter of whether, at this stage of hurt, anxiety, and anger, you’re able to access any remaining residue of actual caring. Because if you can’t, then despite whatever words you might employ, it won’t come out as sincere. But if you can locate, from deep within, the right feeling tone in what you express—one of charitable, heartfelt empathy—your partner’s response to your self-disclosure will provide you with pretty solid evidence as to whether they can, or are willing to, change.

Finally, it’s all about vulnerability. And, emotionally gun shy as you may have become, you simply may not be prepared to make yourself any more vulnerable than you’ve been in the past. For earlier, such self-disclosure may have been used as ammunition against you. Your narcissistic partner may have called you weak, oversensitive, needy, or downright stupid in misconstruing them. And you, feeling furious, humiliated, or downright hopeless, may have decided that never again would you let your guard down. For not once did they show any sympathy for you, or a willingness to share, in turn, any of their own fears and insecurities.

So if you’re done trying to appeal to whatever potential for caring and compassion might be hidden well beneath your partner’s narcissistic exterior, and if you’ve already tried therapy and they prematurely ended it the moment they were confronted with their own responsibility for the relationship's problems, then it may well be time to head for the nearest exit.

But if your partner can tolerate your intimate sharing of confused feelings and hurt, and show themselves capable of being empathically “moved” by your pain—that is, if they can exhibit some nascent ability to understand your distress, express sorrow, and try to comfort and reassure you—and if they themselves can be prompted to respond in kind and divulge some of their own relationship vulnerabilities, then there may still be some hope for the two of you.

And this is particularly true if they demonstrate a new willingness to engage (this time much more openly and honestly) in couples treatment. Or better, extensive individual therapy in which they can explore the many deep wounds that, till now, their many defenses have successfully kept buried. For if, in essence, they’ve distanced their inner, hurt self from you, it’s because they themselves have so completely detached from their earlier childhood misery.

If your relationship is to have any realistic chance of starting anew, it’s only in the eventual healing of these old wounds, which have so compromised their capacity for authentic (i.e., non-narcissistic) self-love. All the same, given the possible severity of your partner’s maladaptive symptoms, you can expect change to be very gradual—and with any number of setbacks. For your partner’s self-absorption, and their extreme sensitivity toward anything they might experience as a dismissal or put-down, can easily resurface whenever they feel (however inadvertently on your part) ignored, belittled, disrespected, or threatened.

One final caveat: If you can’t feel physically or emotionally safe enough to open yourself up to your narcissistic partner, then don’t. As Malkin puts it: “If you’ve seen evidence of outright manipulation—a pattern of remorseless lies and deceit—you might be dealing with a psychopathic narcissist.” You could also be dealing with someone who’s so good at faking a response they’re not really feeling, that if your inner radar is telling you that you’re just being “strung along”—that your partner’s promises and efforts are bogus, primarily designed to get you off their back—then it makes little sense to take additional emotional risks with them.

But if you think there’s a fair chance that if you model for them the behavior you need from them that, in time, they may overcome their felt vulnerability in making themselves “known” and respond in kind, then—by all means—demonstrate the behavior that you’ve so sorely missed ... and have for so long deserved.

I’ve written many other posts on the subject of narcissism and narcissistic individuals. Here are some of their titles—and links:

• "Are We All Narcissists? 14 Criteria to Explore"
• “What Narcissists Really Want—and Can Never Get”
• “The Vampire's Bite: Victims of Narcissists Speak Out”

© 2016 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.