Are You Assertive Enough? Here's 25 Ways to Tell

It’s essential to know whether your level of assertiveness is optimal. To be assured that the way you stand up for yourself is likely to produce the desired results, you need to feel confident in how you address others. For obviously your goal is to get them to respond favorably to your wants and needs. If you’re too passive and can’t adequately assert yourself, you’ll end up constantly frustrated and disappointed. But if you do assert yourself, yet in a way that others find aggressive, by ticking them off you’ll ultimately damage (or even lose) these relationships.

The reason that assertiveness is such a key concept in psychotherapy is that it involves so many factors critical to well-being. For one thing, being assertive is intimately linked to being confident enough that you have the right to let others know what you need from them. And for another, it relates to your belief that expressing your feelings to others is safe (and we all need to feel comfortable enough if we’re to confide in others). If your self-regard is deficient, however, you simply won’t be “prepared” to assert yourself, for you’ll think you don’t deserve to do so, or that it couldn't possibly work for you.

Such a lack of self-esteem explains why becoming more assertive isn’t just about learning a new skill set. At a much deeper level, it’s about fundamentally altering the way you view yourself in the world. If you’re to speak out for what’s important to you, you’ll first have to possess a sense of self as worthy of others’ consideration, compassion, and respect. After all, how else could you honor your basic needs, be comfortable in setting limits with others, ask for what you want, and even—when someone is constantly taking advantage of you—insist that they treat you more fairly?

Nonetheless, it should be added that the reason you may be reluctant to address something is that you really don’t know how to address it. And this is where it can be invaluable to read a good book on assertiveness (of which there are many—some general and some quite specialized), or to enroll in an Assertiveness Training workshop.

To help you do a self-assessment on whether you’re as assertive as would be most beneficial, I’ve adapted—though with some major modifications—an instrument that’s frequently cited in the academic literature on this subject. It’s called The College Self-Expression Scale (by John P. Galassi & others; see Behavior Therapy [1974], 5, 165-171).

Because of its length (no fewer than 50 items) and it’s being geared toward college students, I’ve reduced its quantity by half, while contriving to make it more appropriate for a general audience. To further simplify it, I’ve reworded questions such that giving a general “Yes” or “No” answer for each item will suffice—rather, that is, than employing the authors’ much more elaborate 5-point Likert scale.

As the test creators describe it: “The scale taps three dimensions of assertiveness (positive assertiveness, negative assertiveness, and self-denial) in a variety of interpersonal contexts.” So the inventory can be seen as broadly representative of a person’s current assertive capacities.

One article that empirically supports the validity of this instrument (see “Dimensions of Assertiveness: Factors Underlying The College Self-Expression Scale” in Perceptual and Motor Skills [1978], 46, 47-52) identifies four factors accurately measured by this scale; and it might be useful to list them here:

(1) the willingness to take risks in interpersonal interactions,

(2) the ability to communicate feelings,

(3) the ability to set rules and seek to rectify injustices, and

(4) the tendency to invoke a self-punitive attitude [or not].

It should be apparent that the positive attributes enumerated here, sufficiently developed and judiciously employed, should offer you the greatest opportunity to experience success and satisfaction in a wide variety of interpersonal situations.

Below is my revised version of this well-respected assertiveness inventory. Answer each question “context-free,” in the sense that under ordinary circumstances this is how you’d be more likely to respond (“Yes”) or not respond (“No”). At its conclusion, I’ll suggest how, personally, you can best profit from taking this inventory:

1. ____ Would you speak up if someone pushed ahead of you in line?

2. ____ Would you exchange a purchase you found to be in some way defective?

3. ____ Do you apologize only if you genuinely see yourself as at fault?

4. ____ If you get [or got] angry with your parents, are [or were] you able, in so many words, to tell them so?

5. ____ If a friend who borrowed ten dollars from you seemed to have forgotten about it, would you remind them?

6. ____ In responding to others, do you take their feelings into consideration—yet without being super-cautious about hurting their feelings?

7. ____ Are you comfortable asking a friend to do you a favor?

8. ____ If the food served to you in a restaurant isn’t to your satisfaction, would you bring it to the waitperson’s attention?

9. ____ If a salesperson goes to considerable trouble to show you some merchandise that, finally, isn’t really suitable for you, can you comfortably say No to them?

10. ____ If a friend (or friends) drop in on you unexpectedly when you really need to be doing something important to you, are you able to request that they return at a more convenient time?

11. ____ Is it comfortable for you to share your opinions with others?

12. ____ If you were taking a seminar and the lecturer made a statement that you considered to be untrue, would you be so bold as to question it?

13. ____ If someone you respected expressed an opinion you strongly disagreed with, would you venture to state your own viewpoint?

14. ____ If after leaving a store you realized you’d been short-changed, would you go back and request that the correct amount be returned to you?

15. ____ If a friend made a request that felt unreasonable to you, would you be able to refuse it?

16. ____ If a close and respected friend or relative were annoying you, would you find a way of communicating your annoyance to them?

17. ____ When someone is clearly being unfair to you, do you typically tell them?

18. ____ If a friend betrays your confidence, can you readily express your disappointment in them?

19. ____ When a store clerk waits on someone who has come in after you, do you almost always call this to their attention?

20. ____ If you needed to, would you be comfortable asking a good friend to lend you a few dollars?

21. ____ If someone teased you to the point that it no longer felt like fun, could you comfortably express your displeasure to them?

22. ____ If you arrived late for a meeting, would you be able to go up to a front seat (vs. standing in back of the room), even though doing so would make you fairly conspicuous?

23. ____ If someone interrupts you in the middle of an important conversation, would you request that they wait till you’re finished?

24. ____ If someone criticizes you unjustifiably, can you—tactfully and in the moment—express your dissatisfaction with them?

25. ____ In general, are you comfortable standing up for your rights?

As I’ve worded each of these items, the more of them you could confidently answer “Yes,” the better your assertive capabilities.

As regards your “No” answers, however, what would be most useful would be for you to explore each one and ask yourself whether it might make sense to reconsider—and revise—old programming that’s made it difficult for you to appropriately stand up for yourself. And if trying out self-help measures (such as reading articles or books on the subject) isn't sufficient in helping you to improve yourself in this respect, it would be wise to consider some professional counseling.

Doing so could help you better understand the origins of the anxieties and fears blocking your ability—and willingness—to assert basic wants and needs. That is, getting such outside assistance could be invaluable in helping you resolve the issues still standing in the way of your having more of a “voice” in your life.

For in the end, if you’re going to be happy with yourself, and with existence generally, you may need to learn how to become a much better “friend”—and "ally"—to yourself.

NOTE 1: An earlier Psychology Today post of mine that closely complements this one is entitled “How—And How Not—to Stand Up for Yourself.”

NOTE 2: If you could relate to this post and think others you know might also, kindly consider “liking” it and forwarding them its link.

NOTE 3: To check out other posts I’ve done for Psychology Today online—on a broad variety of psychological topics—click here.

© 2016 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.

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