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from lifeandworkinbalance.com
Because we live in a competitive, work-driven society, adult play gets a lot more lip service than actual practice. Yet research has repeatedly shown that couples that play together tend to stay together. In fact, some of the strongest bonding experiences you can have with your partner involve fun and games; fantasy, play, and laughter. But saddled with the manifold responsibilities of being a grown-up, kicking back and getting crazy—or “crazy romantic”—with each other may rarely make it to your “to do” list. And if your impish imagination has been hijacked by a work-oriented mindset and can no longer roam free, liberating yourself from this overly conscientious mentality can be quite challenging.
Sure, our culture may demand that, first and foremost, we act like adults. But—admit it—doing so isn’t all that entertaining. Completing tasks and chores may have its own “mature” gratifications, but it hardly excels as a form of fun. Plus, not only is periodically engaging in fanciful modes of play more pleasurable than fulfilling commitments, it also yields all sorts of practical mental, emotional, and physical (i.e., stress-reducing) benefits. And giving yourself permission to be more frolicsome, or frisky, with your partner isn’t to be viewed simply as a counterbalance (or respite) from work. For, too, it can be a means of personal—at times, even spiritual—fulfillment.
In this post I’ll provide just a few suggestions on how you can let your conjugal hair down. For it may be high time for you and your spouse to make a habit of taking daily (or almost daily) “mini-vacations” from all the responsibilities that have prevented you from nurturing your mirthful, fun-loving, child self. Finally, very few things can strengthen a relationship more than addressing this too often neglected aspect of being. Or be as powerful in revitalizing the deepest feelings of love and affection that, lying latent beneath the surface, the two of you still experience for each another.
But first some ground rules. In letting yourselves go and getting “abandoningly” playful with one another:
- No judging the other’s performance—except, that is, in the form of tongue-in-cheek banter. Criticism can be lethal to intimate relationships: Obviously, it has no place in play.
- Physically, playful pinching, tickling, roughhousing, etc. is acceptable—but only if both of you agree to it. Otherwise, anything that makes either of you uncomfortable must be excluded.
- Verbally, the same thing applies: Good-natured teasing, ribbing, etc. is fine—but only in areas where your partner hasn’t already demonstrated negative sensitivity to it.
from lifeandworkbalance.com
Okay, here are five ways to deliberately “surrender" to your child self and “take a recess” from your more dutiful, adult self. These are but highly selective examples of the emotional pleasures your union can offer you once you jointly create the space to purposefully regress to a more innocent, lighthearted state of being:
1. Sing Together. Any “oldies” that both of you share an affection for? Perhaps “Rock Around the Clock,” “Yesterday,” “MacArthur Park,” “Rocket Man,” “Piano Man,” etc. If (as is likely) neither of you remembers all the lyrics, go to YouTube, put in the name of the song, plus “lyrics,” and you should get (a) a selection of the vocalists who’ve recorded the song, and (b) the words that go with the music. Choose whichever rendition you prefer, and then—ardently joining in, with orchestral accompaniment—sing your hearts out together. (It’s almost guaranteed that whether in tune or not, your impromptu duet will bring you closer together.)
2. Sing, Rather Than Say, Your Thoughts to Each Other. Here’s a variant on #1. Find a time when you needn’t worry about being overheard and—instead of talking to one another—anything you want to say, however mundane, convert into song. Here, too, no special musical gift is required, just a willingness to extemporaneously set your words to (a capella) music. Anticipate that, at least at first, you’ll find this mode of playfulness rather inane. But if you give yourself permission to truly get into it (and with as much vocal gusto as you can muster!), the two of you are likely to find such calculated silliness unusually absorbing, and even affecting..
3.Create Your Own Private Nudist Colony. This one is tricky. For if you’ve got kids at home most of the time, it’s hardly practical to go au natuale. Nor would it be if wearing nothing but your birthday suit makes you shiver, and it would be too expensive to turn up the heat. Moreover, if one or both of you is self-conscious about your body, such extreme “dressing down” could make you emotionally uncomfortable. All the same, if circumstances permit, what a wonderful time to finally get over your hang-ups about your pot belly, saggy or wrinkly post-baby skin—or whatever else has made you reluctant to fully “show” yourself to your partner. For such voluntary disrobing—whether or not it leads to full-out sexual expression, can indeed be liberating and, ideally, increase your sense of trust in each other. Inasmuch as this “full disclosure” is something that the two of you (hopefully!) wouldn’t do for anyone else, it can also increase feelings of marital intimacy. And such a demonstration of physical openness might well lead to #4.
4. Play "Doctor"!—But This Time as an Adult. On their own, kids reveal curiosity about the differences between male and female anatomy—especially the other’s (somewhat mystifying) private parts. And their innocent “show and tell” demonstrations can be seen as altogether natural—certainly nothing to be ashamed about. But to play "doctor” as an adult, the motive of such examination, or discovery, must be quite different. For here you want to be able to talk candidly (i.e., unashamedly) about all the things that turn you on. To move beyond any awkwardness, or anxiety, that may in the past have prevented you from divulging your most secret sexual desires. And actually make use of your hands, lips, tongue, and genitals to expand, and enhance, your sexual repertoire.
Sex is just one of many ways that adults (vs. children) have fun together. So here, in particular, is where you really want to let yourself go, to “get crazy” with each other—with few or no “holds barred.” And if anything between the two of you needs to be “de-shamed,” consider that most of what people refer to as perversions can be understood as altogether normal once the effort is made to sympathetically understand the individual’s environmental and sexual history. (If, for instance, you were reared on a farm full of animals and lived far from your nearest neighbors, and—moreover—had just reached puberty. . . . )
from thewanderingorange.com
5. “It’s a Treat to Beat Your Feet in the Mississippi Mud.” And more: “Lordy, how they play it/Goodness, how they sway it/. . . How they pound that mire with vigor and vim/Joy, it nearly kill me.” This clap-your-hands song says it all. As a child, do you remember how much fun it was doing something just because it felt good—without the slightest regard for its staining your clothes, smudging your arms and legs, or bespattering your face with some sort of dye, guck, or goo? And might you also recall the critical lecture(s) you later received from your caretakers about the virtue of cleanliness (and maybe, too, the “vice” of sludge!)? And how, over time, such parental rebukes succeeded in dissuading you from continuing your “uncivilized” behavior?
Now, how about searching for ways of actually generating such mirthful messiness?—for the pure, sensuous joy of it? I’ll give but one example here. But if you’ll just let yourself regress to your child (i.e., pre-socialized) self, you’ll surely be able to think of others.
This example is adapted from Ellen Kreidman, whose popular books for couples emphasize practical ways of bringing romance back into committed relationships. And (here again) such an “unlawful” adventure will only be tenable when the two of you have your dwelling all to yourselves.
Here goes: Prepare a lavish spaghetti dinner, with ample tomato sauce (though minced claim sauce should work about as well). And dress (down, up, or not at all!) as you please. Feel free to add a salad chock full of different ingredients and a dressing of your choice. If you’ve got a carpet in the room, you might wish to remove it, or cover it with a drop cloth, old sheet—or even tarp. And to top it all off, you might want to consume your meal cross-legged on the floor. Why? Because in eating this tasty fare the one thing that’s absolutely forbidden is to use any utensils (and that includes chop sticks!).
While such culinary savagery might feel a bit embarrassing at first, once you get into it, it should emit nothing but chuckles. Somewhere in the midst of wrestling with your elusively slippery salad and pasta, you can pretty much count on breaking into a broad smile—if not giggles and downright laughter—particularly if the two of you have chosen not to feed yourselves but to have your partner do so. And not only will the defiant child residing deep within you applaud this intemperate, "illicit" lark, but the sensory immediacy of the experience should also delight you, as well as your "partner-in-crime."
from articles.mercola.com
Hopefully, after reviewing the above examples you can grasp how participating in such unfeigned—or unrestrained—behavior can assist the two of you in feeling closer. And making your relationship more special, prized, and intimate. For such childlike play can help remind you of why you decided to commit to each other in the first place. If during courtship you determined that the other person was fit to be your life partner, it was probably because you believed they’d make you happier and more content. And finally, is not relational well-being best “embodied” by sharing pleasurable experiences together?
So why not engage in such "get-crazy" activities regularly? Why not plan routinely to take together breaks from your many “messy” obligations and responsibilities? For allowing yourselves to indulge in various forms of play will not only help you feel good, but feel all the better about your— periodically silly—relationship.
Note 1: I’ve written for Psychology Today a complementary 4-part post called “The Purpose of Purposelessness” (click here, here, here, and here) that might also be of some interest to you.
Note 2: If you can relate to this piece and know of others who might as well, please consider sending them its link. Additionally, if you’d like to check out other articles I’ve done for PT, on a broad variety of topics, click here.
© 2014 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.
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