Why You Shouldn’t Have Sex on Valentine’s Day

Source: Amy Shamblen/Unsplash

This Valentine’s Day, take sex off your to-do list.

Many holidays and situations come preloaded with sexual pressure, and at the top of that list is Valentine’s Day. But sex should never feel like work or an obligation—and that includes holidays centered on love.

Research suggests that although regular sex contributes to relationship satisfaction and well-being, more isn’t always better. Studies, where couples have kept daily diaries of their sexual activity and relationship satisfaction, have shown that the magic sexual frequency that keeps couples connected is a mere once a week.

Couples who have sex more than once a week aren’t any happier or more satisfied than couples who have sex once a week. And sometimes, they’re less.

The reason is sexual pressure.

In a culture that values bigger, better, and more, it’s easy to understand why many people might mistakenly assume that the more you have sex, the happier you’ll be.

Regular sex is certainly an important contributor to satisfaction in most romantic relationships. However, when couples are motivated by external reasons—which happens when Hallmark holidays and a more equals better mindset dictate your sex life—the effect can backfire. What should be an experience filled with pleasure, freedom, and spontaneity becomes ensconced in a framework of anxiety and performance. Sex becomes less about connection and more about proving a point.

All this isn’t to say that planning sex can’t ever be helpful. In the right context, it can be an extraordinarily useful strategy, especially for couples who are having relatively little sex and are looking for ways to get back on track. The best part of a sexual experience is sometimes anticipation; the excitement that comes when looking forward to an event you’ll savor, like a great vacation, or sex.

However, when it comes to creating your own erotic space, assuming Valentine’s Day is the time when you and your partner must get it on robs the experience of authenticity and as a result, pleasure. Sex becomes an appointment to keep rather than a chance for emotional intimacy and connection. All of which, paradoxically, leads to less of a craving for sex and even feelings of disconnection, both from one’s partner and oneself. Sex devoid of psychological freedom is usually bad sex.

It's important to recognize that sexual desire is often responsive rather than spontaneous, meaning that for many, feeling subjectively “turned on” happens only after sex is underway and your body is responding. Planning can be a great way to create the erotic space needed for responsive desire to bloom, within the right atmosphere.

However, there’s a difference between creating an erotic space where sex is invited to occur versus where it must occur. Sex and desire don’t need to be spontaneous to be wonderful. But they do need to be autonomously driven.

Planning time with your partner where you both can connect, and relishing the anticipation of that special time, can enhance your sexual and romantic life. But when we define intimacy and connection in our relationships as simply equivalent to sex, we lose out on the types of experiences that make us feel closer and more whole.

All of this is to say that if you happen to find your Valentine’s Day leading to sex, then absolutely enjoy it. But don’t create unnecessary stress. There are many wonderfully romantic ways to connect with a partner that doesn’t involve sex, whether they include a gourmet meal, giving each other a massage, or exchanging words or notes of gratitude.

Be the curator of your own romantic and sexual life. Take steps to cultivate the atmosphere that is most likely to invite pleasure and connection into your life. But don’t let Valentine’s Day provide your blueprint. Great sex begins with imagination.