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Key points
- Couples with “sexual growth beliefs” are better able to cope with sexual challenges than couples with “sexual destiny beliefs.”
- Couples with "sexual growth beliefs" enjoy higher relationship satisfaction than couples with "sexual destiny beliefs."
- Changing your sexual beliefs happens by changing your behavior and adjusting your expectations.
Most couples experience some type of sexual challenge at some point during their relationship. For some, the struggle manifests simply as a decline in sexual frequency which may come from boredom. Other couples cope with sexual desire discrepancies, different sexual preferences, unmet sexual expectations, or sexual dysfunction, where one partner struggles with issues like low female sexual desire (LFSD) or erectile dysfunction (ED).
The impact of sexual challenges on the health of a relationship varies. For some couples, sexual problems corrode the relationship and lead to resentment. But not always! Many couples thrive, experience no decline in relationship satisfaction and navigate their sexual challenges together successfully.
Why is it that some relationships thrive in the face of sexual challenges whereas others falter? An interesting body of research suggests that the answer boils down to people’s “lay beliefs” about sex and relationships.
“Lay beliefs” describe how people differ in their basic assumptions about how sex and relationships ‘work.’ Some people, for example, foster “sexual destiny beliefs,” meaning they believe that the quality of sex and relationships is fixed. People with sexual destiny beliefs assume that the amount of chemistry or sexual compatibility experienced early on in a relationship defines it forever. Satisfying sex is about finding the “right” person who is either your “soulmate” or isn’t. Sexual chemistry either exists or does not.
Other people, in contrast, hold less rigid and more optimistic beliefs about sex and relationships by harboring “sexual growth beliefs.” This group believes that, like many things, the quality of your sex life is a direct function of how much work you put into it. Those with sexual growth mindsets believe that sexual chemistry can be cultivated and recognize that, when left unattended, it will die out.
In the contest between sexual growth beliefs and sexual destiny beliefs, sexual growth is the clear winner. Research shows that those with these sexual growth beliefs enjoy higher relationship satisfaction, higher sexual satisfaction, more sexual desire, and more positive overall wellbeing, particularly when sexual problems arise in their relationship.
Is having better sex as simple as just changing your mind? In some ways, yes! However, like with anything, changing our mind about something requires self-awareness and effort. It also helps to begin by simply changing your behavior. Sometimes doing really does lead to believing.
Below are seven ways to begin fostering sexual growth beliefs.
1. Aim to be responsive, not perfect.
A recent study in the Journal of Sex Research shows that people with sexual growth beliefs thrive in the presence of sexual problems because they are responsive and actively try to meet their partner’s needs. In other words, they express curiosity, and they listen. They understand that the goal isn’t perfection, it’s learning and responding.
2. Try new things while knowing they might flop.
People with sexual growth mindsets aren’t afraid to experiment. They recognize that trying new things, whether it be a new position, a new location or incorporating a toy might lead to the discovery of something fun and pleasurable OR it might be awkward and not work. They celebrate the “wins” and laugh at and forget the failures.
3. Trust your partner’s willingness and ability to learn.
Sometimes a partner does something that leaves us feeling unsatisfied. They miss a sexual cue or make a false assumption about what we want. This is natural and nothing to worry about so long as you give them a chance to hear and incorporate your feedback. Shutting down and turning away just turns a promising learning opportunity into a dejecting experience.
4. Give chemistry time to develop.
Couples with sexual growth beliefs understand that sex can improve with time. In fact, many couples report that sex improves over the course of a relationship as partners come to have a better understanding of each other’s bodies and sexual preferences. Sexual satisfaction, especially for women, also largely depends on emotional intimacy which requires time and trust.
5. Learn how to sexually communicate.
People with sexual growth mindsets give feedback during sex visually, verbally, and behaviorally. They communicate their sexual wants and are open about their kinks and fantasies. Note that not all this information has to be divulged at once, especially if that makes you feel too vulnerable. It’s perfectly fine to slowly share your desires as trust in your relationship develops.
6. Have vulnerable conversations.
People with sexual growth mindsets aren’t afraid to be vulnerable because they embrace feedback and change. They can express their frustrations, insecurities, and disappointments in a kind but direct way because they trust these issues can be worked through and addressed.
7. Seek help if you need it.
People with sexual growth are willing to seek help when they need as they understand that few problems are permanent and that effective treatments do exist. People with sexual destiny beliefs, in contrast, are more likely to disengage and deny issues. (What’s the point in trying, after all, if you believe nothing can change.) The point is that you shouldn’t hesitate to seek out medical treatment or sex therapy or couples counseling if you need it. Solutions do exist for those who are motivated and brave enough to find them.
