5 Things to Know About Toxic Shame

Shame is an emotion designed to inhibit our impulses and the expression of our authentic Self. This powerful emotion ensures we conform to fit in with our family, peers, community, religion, and any other group to which we wish to belong.

Groups offer survival benefits like collaboration, protection, support, and safety. Healthy shame ensures that we aren't too greedy, covetous, aggressive, abusive, or neglectful. Healthy shame motivates us to be good people. When we act in accordance with the values of our groups, we feel good. When we don’t, we feel fear of retribution or banishment, and the excruciating pain of shame.

Alternatively, toxic shame is a symptom of a toxic environment in which we develop entrenched negative beliefs like I am bad, I am not good enough, I am unlovable.

Toxic shame is not necessary for the survival of our species. In fact, we’d all be better off without it. Yet sadly, it exists in abundance. It is the root cause of much of our individual and collective suffering, destructive impulses and actions, and relationship conflicts. Toxic shame leads to depression, addictions, eating disorders, personality disorders, and aggression. Shame underlies perfectionism, contempt, arrogance, and grandiosity—all defenses we use against the insecurity caused by toxic shame.

When we are in a state of shame, we are not open to sharing our authentic Self. Our shame tells us we have something to hide, and that we are broken, defective, or different. Furthermore, shame tells us that if anyone finds out who we really are, we will be rejected.

Toxic shame needs to be understood and then healed to improve our individual and collective emotional health. Following are 5 important things to know about this insidious and destructive emotion:

1. We all have it.

Not one of us has been spared the feeling of shame. At one time or another, we were rebuffed, rejected, ignored, or punished at a time of true need. If we were abused or neglected, we carry the shame of our abuser inside us along with our own. Shame can be deeply buried by defenses like arrogance, hubris, aggression, and righteousness. That doesn’t mean it’s not still deeply affecting self-esteem and other aspects of a healthy Self.

2. No one wants to talk about shame.

Talking about shame isn’t easy. It can actually trigger further shame—we may begin to sense our body reacting as soon as we hear the word. However, talking about shame can be made much more comfortable by creating a judgment-free zone in a home or classroom. Once we start sharing why we feel unlovable or unworthy, the burdens of toxic shame release.

When we courageously share something about ourselves that we believe is the most terrible thing, and hear responses like I am that way too, or That's no big deal, or That's okay, we are transformed by that experience.

3. We are not born feeling bad about ourselves. It’s a symptom of our environment.

As adults, we will likely not remember how our shame developed. However, if our bids for love, physical/emotional care, and acceptance were consistently met with indifference, disdain, neglect, humiliation, or retaliation, we develop toxic shame. Additionally, when we feel criticized or rejected for who we are as an individual, and what we need, and what we feel, we develop toxic shame.

4. Shame is excruciatingly painful.

Evolution is clever. It designed the emotion of shame to be so awful that we will do almost anything to avoid it. What else could make us deny our primal gratifications and selfish needs to conform to the needs of others?

What happens when shame is triggered? You might relate to the experience of wanting to hide, run away, or cover yourself. You might relate to feeling unworthy, bad, inadequate, embarrassed, or not fitting in. You might relate to feeling alone, isolated, or disconnected. You might relate to the experience of disappearing or feeling annihilated. These are all various manifestations of shame.

When we are about to say or do something in the present that in the past was met with disdain or disapproval, shame sends a signal to our nervous system to shut us down. We either withdraw or get aggressive. Other chronic defenses like arrogance, workaholism, eating issues, addictions and obsessions may distract us (and plague us) to prevent the unbearable feeling of shame.

5. Relief from shame is possible.

When we are impaired by shame, we must name it, and then work to loosen its grip. We have to separate from it in order to heal. We must not believe what our shame tells us about ourselves. We have to see our shamed parts as if they were separate from us. Once some separation is achieved, we can begin to relate to our shame with curiosity and compassion.

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The Change Triangle is the tool I use and teach to heal from toxic shame. It can help us discover the core emotions that underlie our shame. When we loosen shame's grip to re-connect with our authentic self, we feel better and can more easily prevent being wholly overtaken by shame.

Final Thoughts

If we don’t talk about shame, we cannot learn about it. If we don’t learn about it, we won’t understand that it’s a reaction to inadequate parenting, societal injustices, abuse, neglect, bullying, and more. If we don’t engage with the parts of us that hold shame, we cannot heal them. If we cannot heal, parts of us remain in hiding, suffering in silence.

As modern humans, we have the ability and opportunity to grow, evolve, and advance our mental health in significant ways. Identifying and healing shame is an important part of that journey.

Try this gentle exercise to help you begin to safely connect and work with a part of you that holds shame: https://youtu.be/4pADLAXIyT4