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Key points
- Vulnerability—uncertainty and limits to control—is a fact of life that stirs unrest, an uncomfortable jolt of nervous system activation.
- Rather than obey the knee-jerk reflex to avoid or argue with our vulnerability, we can approach what we feel and bring kindness to ourselves.
- As you choose to create a kindness zone for yourself, you exercise agency, a form of power in the face of vulnerability.
Uncertainty. The world is full of it. Always has been, I guess. But doesn’t it seem uncertainty has become inescapable? So many looming unknowns about how the world is going and what to do about it… our roller coaster economy, tiny viruses that stop the world in its tracks, wildfires and floods and melting glaciers, and the loss of human rights all over the world. And impacts on our daily lives like empty drugstore shelves when we want flu medication, playing luggage roulette on airline trips, $10 heads of cauliflower, and gas stations running out of gas. And then (Isn’t that enough? But no, there’s more...) there is the essential vulnerability, which is how all this makes us feel.
Having no ultimate control over things we care about stirs unrest. Then we want to do just about anything to get away from that jumpy-braced feeling. We want to get into an argument with reality. And you know who always wins that one.
I want to remind you that you matter and are worth loving in your human limits. Instead of convincing yourself you can get control if you just worry more or push yourself harder or (when the limits are undeniable) telling yourself, “Who cares anyway?”—I want to offer you another path. Something you can do when you’re faced with what you cannot do. You can create a kindness zone.
Creating a Kindness Zone
Step 1: Notice the gap between what you want and what you can ultimately make happen. Believe it or not, noticing that gap is hard. We are very used to ignoring ourselves, especially when we don’t feel good or when things are not going as we want. Or when we do notice our vulnerability, we tend to worry, get impatient with ourselves, and try to get control. This is an important moment to pause, tune in, and matter. We can make the choice to stop telling ourselves the lie that we do have certainty and control or we should have certainty and control. Make it a priority to recognize when you are in a place of “I can’t."
Step 2: Feel the gap. Unrest feels like a threat, like something isn’t right. Unrest is physical. It is muscle tension and a fidgety, agitated feeling. Say “hello” to that feeling like it’s a friend. This is not intuitive—you are going against the grain here—but approach this feeling you’d normally avoid. When you do this you are telling yourself at a deep, unconscious level that you matter. No matter what. For more instruction and support on how to soothe your nervous system when you are triggered by a moment of vulnerability, please see my new book Embracing Unrest: Harness Vulnerability to Tame Anxiety and Spark Growth.
Step 3: Visualize the kindness zone. Let yourself be aware of the unrest you feel in the fact that you are a vulnerable human. Now imagine a bubble around you that is 3 feet in every direction—front, back, above, and below. At the very center is your heart beating in your chest. Visualize your heart like a drum sending out a powerful but gentle vibration with each beat. Hear the message: “You are enough—now” with each heartbeat. Feel the vibration activating every cell in your body. Sense the vibration filling the space of the bubble so that you are breathing “you are enough—now” with each breath in and out. Right now, when things are not the way you want, you are enough. Here in the kindness zone, you are enough. Your worth is not based on things working out. Your worth is not in what you have or do or how you make things happen or how others see you.
Step 4: Soak up the kindness. Be as greedy as you can. The more you soak it in, the more kindness is there for you, each beat of your heart, each breath you take. Feel how the kindness helps your body settle, how your shoulders drop, how the space inside you feels warmer, safer. And feel, as you inhabit and experience that kindness zone for yourself, how there is a bit more space for holding kindness with others.
A Profound Form of Personal Power
Though nothing will give you 100% control, there’s always something you can do to feel better. This is powerful. When you’re faced with the reality that COVID is going to get you at some point and you don’t know when, or you have to wait for the biopsy results, or you can’t make your partner remember to turn on their phone, or the tinnitus comes and goes on its own schedule, or (even when you do your very best) you can’t guarantee your boss will appreciate your efforts—in those and a million more daily examples of what you can’t do, choose to create a kindness zone. That choice is a profound form of personal power. Creating your kindness zone and hanging out there, soaking up every bit of kind energy you can, you can change your nervous system and enhance your quality of life. That is for certain.
References
Brach, Tara. (2019). Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN. New York: Viking.
Parker, Sandra. (2022). Embracing Unrest: Harness Vulnerability to Tame Anxiety and Spark Growth. Vancouver: Page Two Books.
Salzberg. Sharon. (2018). Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness. Boulder: Shambhala.
