Fall in Love with You This Valentine's Day

Type the words “self-love” into any index of psychology journals and you will pull up nearly 300 articles on narcissism. But is self-love really the same as narcissism? Arylo (2012, p.47) defines self-love as: “the unconditional love and respect you have for yourself that is so deep, so solid, so unwavering that you choose only situations and relationships – including the one you have with yourself – that reflect that same unconditional love and respect.” Holley (2006) argues that self-love is an integral part of one’s identity. He further posits that self-love can morph into narcissism in the absence of moral development.

According to the American Psychiatric Association (2013), Narcissistic Personality Disorder is associated with an array of maladaptive outcomes including arrogance, lack of empathy, a willingness to exploit others, and emotional instability. None of those behaviors appear on the surface to be loving. When asked, “What is love?” answers typically include attributes such as affection, intimacy, friendship, effective communication, trust, honesty, caring, consideration, sharing, support, appreciation and respect. Most agree that love should be unconditional, and involves ‘being there whenever or whatever happens’ (Watts, & Stenner, 2014, p. 556). Yet, when the word ‘self’ is put in front of the word ‘love’, the definition seems to change into something that involves narcissism. That definition, however, is beginning to change. Kealy and Ogrodniczuk (2014) suggest that narcissism is actually an impaired ability to love.

So, if self-love isn’t narcissism, what is it? Arylo (2012) states that “Self-love is the unconditional love and respect you have for yourself that is so deep, so solid, so unwavering that you choose only situations and relationships – including the one you have with yourself – that reflect that same unconditional love and respect.”

So the question is: Do you love, honor, and respect yourself? Unconditionally?

If you’re like I was a few years ago, I’m guessing the answer is no. So how do you start?

Take out a pen and your journal (or piece of scrap paper) and write down your responses to the following questions. There are no right or wrong answers. Don’t overthink this. Let it free flow…

• Who is ______ [insert your name]?
• What is s/he like?
• What does s/he like to do?
• What does s/he dream of?
• If s/he could be or do anything what would it be?
• What does s/he need right now in this moment?

Now go get that need met!

I know, I know. You don’t have time to get your needs met. You’re too busy. And making sure your needs are met – isn’t that selfish? In short: no.

As a society, I think most of us grew up with the belief that doing things for ourselves is selfish, that if we were busy enough, we wouldn't have time to engage in frivolous activities like getting a massage. Yet: 1) no one else will take care of you, and 2) if you don't take care of yourselves, you’ll have nothing left to give.

Wynonna Judd once said: "You have to fill your cup. You then give away the overflowing, but you keep a cupful for yourself." Choosing to make sure that you get what you need on all levels - physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally - every day." –that’s keeping your cup full. And getting a massage every once in a blue moon - isn't cutting it.

It’s time to focus on you – on putting yourself first - so you have enough left to serve others. So that your cup is not only full, but overflowing. And in doing so, you’ll be able to serve from a place of gratitude, love and abundance, rather than from a resentful or obligatory state. And that’s something we can all benefit from.

I challenge you to do this: spend some time each day taking care of you, showing yourself love and appreciation for all you do. That is, do something that makes your soul sing – something just for you. Don’t take the kids with you. Don’t invite your significant other. This is YOU time. If that seems daunting, start with 5 minutes a day. Then 10, then 20, then 30. You get the idea.

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Need some ideas? Here are my favorite ways to get my needs met:

• Start your day with your favorite mantra or guided meditation.
• Create an environment that honors you
• Make time to do the things you love each day and don’t let your endless to do list get in the way.
• Not overbooking yourself and learn to say no.
• Eating regularly. I'm shooting for 5 well-balanced meals a day.
• Listen to your body.
• Engage in positive self-talk – sticky note
• Unplug at least an hour before bed every day and preferably, don’t plug in until you’ve been up for at least an hour every morning - No checking email first thing in the morning while still lying in bed
• End your day in gratitude
• Take at least one complete day off every week.

Remember: only you can make sure your needs get met. You are so worth this!!!!