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Relationships
How to Overcome Underappreciation
Managing our need for appreciation.
Updated October 6, 2023 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- We need appreciation to connect with people, but it can often feel like we’re not receiving enough.
- To gain appreciation, we can enlarge our cohort and broaden our idea of how appreciation is expressed.
- We elevate daily satisfaction by appreciating ourselves and by giving direct, specific recognition to others.
As social beings, we need appreciation—to acknowledge our contributions to other people and to feel connected to these people. However, as individuals striving to connect and contribute, many of us feel we don’t receive enough appreciation in our daily lives.
A perceived deficit of appreciation can cause considerable distress because it gets at the core of our lives as social and loving beings, especially with people we know well—friends, colleagues, romantic partners, and family.
How should we manage feeling underappreciated and what can we do to feel more appreciated?
Managing Our Need for Appreciation
Valuing Appreciation From More People. Many of us look to particular people for appreciation, while not attending to the supportive responses of others. It helps to become aware of all the people who genuinely value us and who make their appreciation known.
Expanding Our Concept of Appreciation. Appreciation can be directly spoken or indirectly implied, or it may be expressed in the form of behaviors. Emails asking how we are, invitations for coffee, offers of help with a particular task, and requests for advice are all forms of showing appreciation that don’t involve direct praise.
Giving Appreciation. We should give genuine appreciation to others—not to exact a quid pro quo, but to actively participate in a more encouraging social environment. Appreciation can be mutual without seeming like an exchange.
The next time we feel appreciative about someone, let that someone know. And we should be aware that bosses and managers also need recognition.
Telling others what we appreciate about them helps everybody. It models the giving of appreciation and it acts as a reminder to recognize others, even when we’re busy with our own work.
Appreciating Ourselves. Taking time to appreciate ourselves provides encouragement, while also disclosing personal characteristics and social behaviors we want others to acknowledge. It’s likely that other people are aware of what we do well and feel grateful for the support we give, but they simply don’t express this gratitude.
Directly Acknowledging Our Value. As an exercise, we can write down the characteristics that we value about ourselves and express these characteristics in a comfortable small-group setting. This gives everyone permission to voice their own perceived strengths and to recognize the strengths and contributions of others.
Being Specific. In relationships that are working well, people say what they appreciate about each other, and they show their attentiveness with specificity. “You really are creative with your cooking.” “You keep things light with your quirky sense of humor.” “I admire your focus.”
Being specific also allows us to to tell others about our laudable efforts, without appearing as if we’re fishing for general praise. “I worked really hard on this recipe to make it come out right.” “I spent a week thinking about what gift to get you.” We may discover that other people are happy to show more appreciation when they understand how important it is to us. We may think we shouldn’t have to prompt, but sometimes we do.
Scheduling Appreciation. When we’re growing up, we have a variety of structured opportunities for receiving recognition: grades, academic awards, concerts, and lettering in sports. After we leave school, however, there are typically fewer and fewer such opportunities for recognition.
We can correct this by taking a cue from organizations with regularly scheduled rituals of recognition (employee of the month, service awards). With family or friends or with our partner, we can set aside 15 minutes every so often to say what we appreciate about each other.
Pulling Back Once in a While. Saying no to something we normally do or setting limits on our contributions can lead to appreciation. The adage that we appreciate things only when we don’t have them anymore applies. People will notice what wasn’t done and will realize who usually does it.
This act of pulling back should not be done primarily to receive appreciation. The reason for pulling back should feel genuine—to regain energy, to provide needed downtime for ourselves, and to engage in different activities.
Generating Internal Motivation. Ultimately, we can engage in more activities that are intrinsically enjoyable, independent of the assessment of others. Usually, these are activities we are good at, but they can simply be activities that motivate us.
Reconsidering Appreciation. Our natural need for appreciation is not childish, self-absorbed, or insecure. No matter what our level of achievement, as we continue to strive, we continue to connect with people and to be sustained by their recognition. Even people we consider successful need appreciation.
Final Words
To appreciate has two meanings, both of which apply: recognition of one’s contributions and an increase in value. When colleagues and friends express appreciation, we see important self-concepts reflected back to us, which then elevates our sense of self-worth. When we receive appreciation, we feel more fully integrated into our interconnected social world.
