How to Create New Year's Resolutions That Actually Stick

It’s often the butt of jokes. We have all sorts of grand plans and highfalutin, idealistic promises that we make on New Year’s Day—only to find that old habits rush back in and sabotage the best of intentions.

What to do?

As we understand from the Deconstructing Anxiety model, the reason for the sabotage is that our defenses are backfiring.

What does that mean?

Any defense can be understood as an attempt to keep fear at bay. We use defenses in the hope that they will protect our fulfillment—so we may keep the “good stuff” we already have and get more of it.

When we set a New Year’s resolution, we might use a defense that sounds something like: “This year, I’m really determined to lose the weight."

The problem: A faulty strategy

The problem is not in the ideals we choose. It’s simply that we are using a strategy of intense self-discipline, trying to motivate ourselves with fear. Behind our good intentions, there is a hidden thought that says “If I don’t exert intense self-discipline, I'm afraid I’ll never be fulfilled.“

This is when the defense seems to come to our rescue, with a strategy to resolve this fear by saying, “I’ll push myself so hard to stick to my goals that I will be sure not to fail." This approach actually fills our minds with fear of failing, though we are not usually aware of it. The stress of the fear mounts until we think “I need some relief; just one piece of chocolate cake won’t hurt."

The solution: Doing the opposite

So what is the solution? As always in the Deconstructing Anxiety program, we do the opposite of what the defense would have us do. Instead of using self-discipline to avoid the fear, we face the fear and discover it wasn’t real. When we face a fear, really look at it, we discover it’s not at all the scary thing we thought.

We call this “exposing the lie of fear." Once exposed, we see that our goal of losing weight doesn’t require a defense, and all the self-reproach that would come with it. Our attention is now freed up from the fear of failing, and naturally goes to the fulfillment we’ll experience when we succeed. We pursue our goal out of pure joy.

In summary

To sum it up: Too much self-discipline leads to self-reproach, which is just plain no fun. We can’t sustain that kind of effort. But a gentle discipline, combined with an appreciation of how good the reward will feel, is our skillful way of navigating through fear and defense. We get better and better at this (and don’t forget to have compassion for yourself if you slip up), until our New Year’s resolutions and all our life goals become a flowing, peaceful experience of what just feels right.

Here’s an invitation: Let’s set our New Year’s resolutions (or perhaps you already have yours) and work through the month of January to reach them together. In the next three weekly posts, I’ll send more tips and techniques for helping to ensure you keep “doing the opposite," so that by the end of the month, we’re well on our way to reaching those goals. Care to join me?

Here’s to your successful New Year’s resolutions in 2024!