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Breakups are hard. The pain they bring can penetrate us to our core. And this deep pain can last well beyond what we think is a reasonable amount of time.
Some breakups are harder than others; some people are more sensitive to loss and grief. Regardless, anyone experiencing the pain of the loss of love and connection may feel emotions he or she has never felt before. This can be scary—even terrifying.
The good news is that time eventually eases intense emotions. The bad news is that, while you're in the grief, being stretched emotionally can be excruciating.
Am I Going Crazy?
A common comment I hear from clients is, "I feel like I'm going crazy!"
In all of the cases I've seen, the person saying this is not only not going crazy, but their reactions are actually quite healthy. These people are simply being stretched emotionally beyond what they have ever known.
If you think about it, any emotion felt to an extreme (too angry, too sad, too fearful, or even too happy) falls into a realm of what we think of as "crazy." Big emotions make us feel out of control. Indeed, sometimes they make us lose control.
Picture, if you will, a circle. At the center of the circle is where balanced emotions live. As you go out from the center, the descriptors become more negative.
Centered
Tidy
Neat Freak
Obsessive/Compulsive
Anal Retentive
-- OR --
Centered
Upset
Angry
Furious
Enraged
Nuclear
Taming Big Emotions
In a divorce, death, or loss/trauma, people often have extreme emotions, because these are extreme events. Bigger than normal emotions are appropriate given the circumstances.
Having the emotions isn't necessarily the problem; it's what follows next. What the person does with those emotions can diminish or compound their pain (and sometimes the pain of others).
Becoming inwardly or outwardly destructive as a way to cope, for example, will only add to the pain and problems. Yet, people do this at times, because it gives the illusion of being more in control of their feelings.
There are steps that people can take to process their emotions. Some may be counterintuitive, and some may be slow-acting, but all of these methods are effective.
Here are 10 things to do to help move through your divorce as centered and healthy as possible.
1. Ask for help, and let help in.
2. Talk about your grief with others (this one can seem counter-intuitive, especially for introverts).
3. Get as much information as you can about the divorce process.
4. Face each obstacle as it arises.
5. Let others know when you're not feeling well.
6. Allow your feelings to come to the surface.
7. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel.
8. Accept your new reality and move on when it's appropriate to move on (this doesn't mean you have to like it!).
9. Have trust or faith that things will work out.
10. Be willing to make mistakes (mistakes are going to happen no matter how well prepared you are—it's just part of the process).
(And, if you're interested, you can read about what NOT to do in your divorce recovery here.)
Conclusion
You're not going crazy just because you start feeling more extreme emotions during a divorce. You're not going crazy just because you feel two opposite big emotions at the same time (anger and excitement, for example). You're not going crazy because your emotional recovery is taking much longer than you thought it would or should. And you're not going crazy because your coping mechanisms are a bit extreme.
You're grieving. You're emotional. And you're in pain. But there is another side.
Don't quit before the miracle, as they say. I've seen many of those who come in to see me distraught and depressed go on to have amazing, happy lives (especially those who follow the above tips).
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