Letting Go of “Let It Go”

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. –Thich Nhat Hanh

After 39 years in the mental health profession, I have grown leery of psychological catchphrases. At times, they make good headings on posters and coffee mugs, and as personal mantras can even have a stabilizing and healing effect. However, much of the time these Neo-Freudian one-liners have all the sincerity of political sound bites and the illuminating power of an itty-bitty book light. One of the reasons for their continued use is that quipping “It is what it is” is far easier than trying to untangle someone else’s life when your own feels like a ball of yarn at a kitten festival.

One tried-and-true piece of sagely advice that does seem to have stood the test of time is, “You just need to let it go.” I know this to be the case because, up until very recently, I, too, would find this phrase slipping past my therapeutically pursed lips. When I was not uttering this incantation, I would hear my clients say it with more than just a hint of self-deprecation, as in, “I know I should let this go, but I can’t.”

Recently, I had a professional epiphany because of my personal experience as a cancer survivor. Early in recovery, I found that I was still trying to figure out how to let go of the notion of being a cancer patient. This experience was being led by the four horsemen of psychological suffering—grief, stress, trauma, and anxiety—and I could tell they were still in the driver’s seat.

Then, one day, it happened. I noticed a space where once there was only a crowd of fears. I didn’t remember dropping anything, and there was no emotional exorcism of the cancer-induced demons; there was just a gap, a silence, and a peace. Further reflection led to the realization that there were multiple baby steps taken from the moment of diagnosis. These were not in service of some future psychological state but to simply survive the moment.

With this new perspective, it occurred to me that the reason we can’t make ourselves let go is that it is not a process in and of itself; it is the result of earlier actions. As a matter of fact, the attempt to let go creates what is known in psychological circles as ironic rebound—the return of the very thing we were trying to be rid of.

In the same way that the garden grows from our having tilled, fertilized, and watered, letting go is the fruit of awareness, acknowledgment, and acceptance.

It is within the nature of all things to move on; however, there is clinginess to the human condition that often seeks to delay this inevitability. Imagine the ripened apple trying to resist the pull of gravity. It would be sheer apple madness to try and hang on. As far as we know, apples don’t have that choice. The human dilemma is that we do and, as a result, end up cycling through the seasons withering rather than risking renewal.

The act of not clinging is what the Zen Buddhist master Thich Nhat Hanh referred to as a state of Letgo. This state arises when we mindfully attend to the present moment and stop demanding that life move in accordance with our desires.

I often hear from people who have gone through great personal challenges, both mental and physical, that they have no idea how they did it. They will often look back with amazement on their certainty at the start that they would never make it. This has been my personal experience as a cancer survivor, and the wisdom I share with my clients who are struggling with letting go. My new catchphrase is, “Let go of your need to let go, pay attention to what is happening now, and life will move on, you cannot stop it.” Not as pithy as “Hang in there, baby,” but much more useful.

Practice

We’re more like Teflon than we think...

1. Take a moment to reflect on all the things in your life you have already let go of. Feel free to start with no longer sleeping in a crib.
2. Appreciate that the mind has built-in filters that can screen out unwanted thoughts.
3. Accept small things first. The traffic jam, the rained-out picnic, and the countless things that frustrate and annoy are all opportunities to practice acceptance.
4. Be mindful of the times you pick an old burden back up. This includes thoughts that rent unnecessary space in your head.
5. If you find that you have become flypaper and everything seems to stick, it might be time for professional help. If you really want to flex your acceptance muscle, accept that you might need the help of a trusted other.