What Is Forgiveness?

Source: Shireen Anne Jeejeebhoy

The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as "pardon of a fault, remission of debt. To give up, cease to harbour resentment, wrath.” But how to overcome trauma and wrath, how to pardon the offenders, after a catastrophe like brain injury when friends and family abandon and judge?

One recent attitude toward forgiveness is: If you hurt, that’s on you. Another is: Don’t hold grudges. The newest is: Forgive because it’s good for you. Let go to feel better.

This advice feels superficial after brain injury. It centers on you, the survivor. Some admit that letting go is hard; some present it as a simple act of unclenching your fist and blowing the ash of the person now dead to you off your palm. None talk about forgiveness's effect on the offender nor about holding them to account. Forget, tolerate, don’t have anything more to do with them are the options. Ancient texts teach a more human idea of forgiveness.

A parable about forgiveness

N.T. Wright, in The Lord and His Prayer suggests "The Parable of the Prodigal Son" in Luke 15:11 could be called "The Parable of the Running Father." What is this father like?

Wright focuses on the running part. But the father first waits for the insolent son. He doesn’t go to him and pretend the son isn’t a jerk or ride him for being one. He doesn’t consign him to hell nor turn his back on him forever. He doesn’t give up on how natural consequences will measure out accountability to the son.

This father healed the wound and waited for the son to return.

When he sees the son beginning to return, that’s when he runs to meet him.

He embraces him before the son acknowledges to himself what a jerk he’d been to his father. The embrace leads the son to see himself, his words, and actions for what they truly were: abhorrent. At that point, the son repents, i.e., changes his mind about himself, what kind of person his father is, and their relationship. He changes his attitude from entitled, disregarding of any other human, especially his father, to reveling in his father and their relationship; he recognizes how much he’d wronged his father.

He weeps with gratitude for finally seeing what he’d done, for his father’s forgiveness, and for enjoying their relationship in a way he’d never done before. He doesn’t seek forgiveness, because he’s already received it. And now reconciliation begins.

The weird part of “do it for yourself” is who espouses it — preachers and pastors, not just talk show hosts. The central message of God is relationship: We’re meant to model our healed relationship with God in our relationships with each other. How, then, can there be hope of a restored relationship if the only reason you forgive is so you’ll feel better?

I think they offer this reason because, as I’ve written before, people confuse forgiveness with reconciliation, and because forgiveness traditionally includes forgetting while not requiring any accountability, full apology, and request for forgiveness from the offender. Bury the wound; pretend an offender had good intentions; obviate any need for an apology because of the intentions. You’re wrong for not forgiving their thoughts, words, and actions. Since that’s an intolerable way of being, it's now morphed into “Do it for yourself.”

But that’s not forgiveness, either. The parable teaches about forgiveness, and in Matthew 18:21-22, a Q&A adds another aspect.

1. Heal the wound.

2. Wait for the person to return to you.

Or

A. When they apologize honestly, forgive.

B. Heal the wound further.

Healing the wound in a healthy way is necessary for forgiveness.

1 and 2 is one way toward forgiveness. You process the trauma, heal the wound, and become open to the offender returning with apology and remorse. A and B is rare. It's not often that the offender will come to you and apologize immediately.

Healing in scenario A and B: When the despicable person spontaneously acknowledges to you what they did, expresses true remorse, repents, and asks for forgiveness, that can powerfully heal the wound and finish the process of forgiveness in one go when openness remains a possibility. Their apology can lead to healing that breaks through the barriers the trauma had caused. We are social beings. We catch each other’s emotions. We know when the remorse is genuine. Wound healing has begun; you can further heal it as in B.

Healing in scenario 1 and 2: Forgiveness begins with wound healing and is completed when being open and waiting for the offender to return and apologize. Not waiting, rushing the forgiving process, i.e., skipping 1 and/or 2, tells the offender their cruelty was no biggie; it gives them an out from doing any repair work—you’ve papered it over. It retains the status quo and buries pain. Even without the next step—reconciliation—both parties must be honest about the harmful event because peace between people is necessary. Peace cannot happen without openness.

Forgiveness Essential Reads

Toxic Forgiveness: Why 'Forgive and Forget' Doesn't Really Work

Mistaking Forgiveness for Reconciliation Can Be Dangerous

I highly recommend Don’t Forgive Too Soon and How to Hold a Grudge for healing hurts in either scenario.

The absence of peace and buried pain undergirds so much of what’s wrong with society.

Forgiving only for yourself turns your back on who you really are: a social being who thrives when connected to others.

Sometimes the relational traumatizing after brain injury is so great that forgiveness—healing the wound and being open while waiting—plus the abuser asking for forgiveness cannot result in reconciliation. But I think the parable demonstrates that reconciliation is always possible. So perhaps the keyword is “now.” It is enough, for now, to forgive plus hear the remorse then go your separate ways. Let reconciliation remain tucked away, forgotten even as a possibility, until that day decades away when hope glimmers unexpectedly.

Copyright ©2021 Shireen Anne Jeejeebhoy.